Balmung6 is offline Balmung6 Post #1  June 12,2010, 2:25am
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How exactly would a guy meet women casually? I suppose most might try clubs or bars and whatnot but my interests are rather narrow - the only ones that actually requires leaving the house is movies. I could go to a bar or something but that would be incredibly awkward since i dont drink (tried it at my friend's going away party - the horribly bitter, wheat-like aftertaste ruined the taste of every alcohol i tried, so i only had about half a glass despite trying - and not liking - 5-6 types from heavy to light) and even looking at an attractive girl makes me feel nervous, the 'what if she sees me looking?' nervous. Sitting at a bar killing time is one thing, glancing around without ordering a single drink is another.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #2  June 12,2010, 3:07am
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Balmung,

The answer is.... you meet them all the time, because they are all over the place when you leave your house and go about your day. It's just a matter of intiating with those woemen to let them know you want to meet them.

Couple of examples: I was at a grocery store near Halloween during a lunch break buying candy. Another lady was doing the same (kinda cute one to boot). WE both lingered and kept crossing back and forth with each other looking at different candies. i finally looked at her and smiled, "it's so hard to decide isn't it?". She smiled and laughed and that started a convo and talking about how we used to remember Halloween growing up, etc. Now, I never got her # or asked her out (back then I hadn't learned that every moment is an opportunity to meet women), but if that were to happen today I would.

Today: I went apt shopping and met the landlord and at first i could tell she was giving signals "i don't want to rent to you". But we got to talking and I asked her about her and now... she is making concessions from her original stance to try and get me to rent and even if i dont' end up renting from her, she wants to keep in touch and perhaps hire me to help her record a cd.

That's not a dating example but goes to show any time your'e out and anybody you cross paths with ~ whether it's intended to be to meet to date or not - can turn into anything with just a little initiation and talking.

For other ideas that might help: what are your interests? Any hobbies? Are there any hobbies or interests that you've always wanted to try but haven't gotten around to trying yet? In this area you can always think about taking a class, or an extension class, or a free class to meet people with similar interests, or join a hobby club that goes on outtings and meet people with similar interests that way.

Another idea is to just put yourself out there (as they wsay) and perhaps once a week, go and enjoy a brunch somehwere out in public or perhaps go and relax at a coffee shop and indulge in yoru favorite coffe once in a while and "linger" there so you can people watch. (Read a book, bring a newspaper, bring a laptop, whatever) just so you are seen and you can see other people. Again, at that point, it's just a matter of initiating with people.

As far as "what if she sees me looking?' The answer is.. good! you want her to see you looking! Why? Because then she knows she's caught your eye. And her reaction back will tell you if she wants you to approach her, is open to you approaching her or not. (Again, it all comes down to just initiating).

let's look at it the opposite way ~ if you don't show interest or dont' let a girl know she's caught your eye (by not letting her see you looking at her, by not initiating with them in public), how will you ever know if somebody has noticed you back?

Lastly.. on the confidence thing. I totally understand that. For most of my life I struggled with this too. I have this system now that I use where I come up with one saying that I keep telling myself that reminds me why I'm doing what I'm doing. The one I came up for with dating is this:

What have I got to lose?

The worst thing that anybody can ever say when you go after what you want.. is "no". As terrifying as that may seem, it's really nothing. Because a 'no' leaves you off no worse than if you never tried to begin with. So really, it is a no-risk situation to just initiate, or let the girl see that you've noticed her and like what yer seeing.

Good luck.
Richey
 
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Balmung6 is offline Balmung6 Post #3  June 12,2010, 3:35am
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Couple things:

One, truthfully any hobbies im interested enough in to go out and take classes for are very few and not the type id meet girls at - anime club and that's about it, really.

Two, putting myself out there doesnt sound like the best plan, since id mostly likely get bored or too nervous rather swiftly to stay for very long. Understand that even looking at someone else in the eye is rare - walking up and chatting? maybe at gunpoint.

Three, the looking thing - letting her know you're interested is one thing, it's another to be caught staring be thought of as a creep or pervert - and 'what have a got to lose?' - alot of self-esteem points, actually - while getting a no doesnt change things compared to how i started out, it does leave me depressed and wondering if a night home alone might have been safer.

Sorry if this sounds so negative, not in the best of moods right now, reading eHarmony confidence articles makes me depressed/nervous.
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #4  June 12,2010, 4:01am
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Friends of mine tell me that there are plenty of women at anime/science fiction conventions. (Er... they tell me there is plenty of hooking up going on, too...)

However, it sounds like you might need to expand your horizons, at least a little bit, you know, expand your interests or take some aspects of your current interest off into new directions--but first make some attempts to overcome that shyness. It's not easy, I know. I'm very shy, myself, but have made myself to put myself out there more, simply because I had to to function in the world. And once you get used to it, it's really not so bad. It's the in-between period that's the most awkward.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #5  June 12,2010, 4:04am
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Balmung6 wrote :
One, truthfully any hobbies im interested enough in to go out and take classes for are very few and not the type id meet girls at - anime club and that's about it, really.
Really? I've come across quite a few very cute girls who are TOTALLY into anime. Infact, I've met a lot more females that are into anime then males. Anywya, the point is you NEVER KNOW. And remember, the other part of my recommendation there was to ask you if there is anything else you have considered or been curious to get into that you haven't tried?

You see.. dating is not only about what you are today. Dating is also about what you want to become. Dating is about always working on yourself to improve your life. If you aren't happy with the way things are righ tnow, then you figure out what the things that are lacking and go and fulfill them.

For me... it was to be a better conversationalist.

Balmung6 wrote :
Two, putting myself out there doesnt sound like the best plan, since id mostly likely get bored or too nervous rather swiftly to stay for very long. Understand that even looking at someone else in the eye is rare - walking up and chatting? maybe at gunpoint.
No. what is a bad idea is to not WORK on those things so you improve in those areas. putting yourself out there is the BEST PLAN to help you overcome your boredom, nervousness, and inablity to have conversation.

Believe me... what's goin on here is this. You are not happy with the way things are right now ~ but you are unwilling to do anything to change it. You are a bit gunshy and afraid of being hurt, that you stay in your comfort zone and shell.

Well, take it from me... the best and most healthy thing one can do is to force themselves out of their comfort zone regularly to overcome these fears. You will be surprised at how things change (especially in your social life) when you overcome fears and get tothe point where you aren't afraid of fears. To the point where risk and failure don't stop you from doing things.

Balmung6 wrote :
Three, the looking thing - letting her know you're interested is one thing, it's another to be caught staring be thought of as a creep or pervert - and 'what have a got to lose?' - alot of self-esteem points,
Still, think about it. If she sees you and considers you a creep.. what did you really lose? Self-esteem points? Why is it that a complete stranger holds our self-esteem points? Your'e never going to see them again and they're never going to affect your life again... why do they hold so much power over you? This is crazy. You need to take control back of your own self-esteem and confidence. And as the saying goes... nobody can do anything to you unless you LET THEM do it. So in other words, nobody can take your self-esteem away (even the girl who sees you looking at her and assumes you're a creep) unless YOU LET THEM TAKE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM points away.

Balmung6 wrote :
Sorry if this sounds so negative, not in the best of moods right now, reading eHarmony confidence articles makes me depressed/nervous.

Obviously you are going through a confidence issue right now. i completely understand that. I understood that and saw that from your very first post... which is why I posted such a long reply with a ton of very specific thign to try. Because I know for me, having been a person that thought just like you most my life, going through the same exact frustrations and worried about being seen as a creep, always not wanting a girl to see me looking at her... ALL OF IT.. what I always wanted in those times was "WHY CAN'T SOMEBODY JUST TEACH ME? WHY CAN' ANYBODY GIVE ME STEP-BY-STEP INSTRUCTIONS to help me figure this out?"

So I will leave you with this....

Obviously what you are doing today is not working. So why would you keep defending the way you are doing it today?

The real fools are the ones that keep doing it the same way over and over.... yet expect a different result.

it's time to change it up. it's time to do somethign completely different. if for no other reason ~ it's the only way to get a different result. then you just keep doing something different, and different again, til you find something that DOES get the result you want.

Anyway.. for most my life I went through what you're gong through righ tnow. All these things I"m saying and sharing with you.. are the things that helped me change those things and am no longer like that or think that way anymore...

I wish you the best of luck. hang in there. And don't get too down b/c things arren't going well and things are getting you down. it will change and turn arond. You just have to be willing to change with it by being willing to be different and not just keep doing the same things over and over.

Richey
 
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richey is offline richey Post #6  June 12,2010, 4:11am
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Ohhh... let me add one last fact about "every moment and every person is an opportunity"....

The method of meeting somebody that has produced the most reliably a relationship, is when two people are introduced/matched by friends. You know, the, "yo know... i know this gal and she's really cool... i think you guys would be good together.. i'll introduce you" type of thing.

Sooo.. in addendum to my first post about "every moment/thing is an opportunity".. realize this. Just because you initiate and meet or talk to a woman and she is doesn't work out as a relationship ~ that DOESN'T MEAN IT WAS A WASTE OF TIME. and it DOESN'T MEAN TO THROW HER AWAY because you aren't going to get anywhere with her. They say never burn bridges and this is especially true in dating (my opinion).

Maybe a girl you meet isn't the right match for you or wants to be with you. but chances are she has a lot of female friends and one of them MIGHT be a good match and want to be with you! Maybe the one that doesn't want but you foster a great friendship with invites you to an event or party she is throwing or attending and you meet somebody there. You just NEVER KNOW where or how or when that person appears.

See? Putting yourself out there. All it does is increasse your chances of bumping into more people, in more situations, which by just the numbers and logic.. INCREASE yoru chance of meeting somebody that it can work out with (as compared to staying at home and never bumping into anybody?).

If you dont' belive in the concept... atleast believe in the numbers and statistical probability differences.

Richey
Last edited by richey; June 12,2010 at 4:14am.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #7  June 12,2010, 5:45am
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Richey's given you a lot of good advice.

A very simple thing to do maybe is pick a public venue you're going to frequent and just start very simple. Smile at everyone you meet regardless of their gender. Next time you go, smile and say hi, nice weather. Keep doing this until it's second nature to you.

The skills you learn from doing this will over time will make you seem warm, friendly and open.

This will also get you used to initiating conversation with anyone, and should make it easier to initiate with someone you like and are interested in.

Good luck.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #8  June 12,2010, 7:03am
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richey wrote :
You see.. dating is not only about what you are today. Dating is also about what you want to become. Dating is about always working on yourself to improve your life. If you aren't happy with the way things are righ tnow, then you figure out what the things that are lacking and go and fulfill them.

For me... it was to be a better conversationalist.
Richey, this is EXCELLENT advice. You just gave me new inspiration. Thank you.
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #9  June 12,2010, 7:08am
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annother wrote :
Richey, this is EXCELLENT advice. You just gave me new inspiration. Thank you.
Excellent enough, in fact, to deserve its own thread!
 
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ThePriestess is offline ThePriestess Post #10  June 12,2010, 7:50am
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The nudey bar.
 
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