Dating Multiple People at Once


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Monual is offline Monual Post #1  June 11,2010, 8:31am
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Trying to figure out if I'm too old-fashioned or just naive.

A few months ago I first tried online dating. I got through "guided communication" with two women, and it came to a point where first meetings were appropriate. I chose one, and ended the online relationship with the other.

The one I chose went out on three dates with me, and while we seemed to enjoying ourselves, I got a "Dear John" email from her.

(Note to people sending out "Dear John" emails, please don't start with "Thank you for your recent email." Likewise, ending with "She is out there for you" is a fairly horrible thing to say.)

So there I was, having started with two possible dates and ending with none. That scarred me a bit and I backed off online dating.

After losing over thirty pounds in the past few months, my self-confidence recovered and I decided to try online dating again. I've already had a "first date" with one woman I like very much. However, another "guided communication" came to a point where a face-to-face meeting is the next step.

Which brings me to my dilemma. I don't think it's emotionally honest to date two or more people at once. Yet, dating exclusively leaves me vulnerable to ending up with no one at all. It takes a lot of time to cull through the online profiles, find people you might be attracted to, then go through the steps of finding out if they are interested in you as well. If I have to take a month off every time to try a few dates with one woman only to find we're not compatible, I have to begin that process all over again.

The rational, logical side of my mind says that it's simply more efficient to date multiple women at once, only becoming exclusive once it's clear both parties are interested in a continued relationship.

The emotional, empathetic part of my mind says it's a terrible thing to do, possibly stringing a woman along then dumping her when I determine someone else is "the one". That seems cruel and it's not something I want to be a part of. Plus it just seems morally wrong to be dating two people at once.

As you can see, I'm deeply conflicted. What are the prevailing views on how to handle multiple online contacts that develop into dating scenarios?

Thanks for whatever thoughts you wish to share.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  June 11,2010, 8:39am
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This has been brought up a number of times before and we couldn't decide, so we all agreed to stop dating altogether.

Seriously, this is the way to go unless you want to make a career out of being on eHarmony.
Monual wrote :
The rational, logical side of my mind says that it's simply more efficient to date multiple women at once, only becoming exclusive once it's clear both parties are interested in a continued relationship.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #3  June 11,2010, 8:40am

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Multiple dating as in going out for dinner, coffee and getting to know each other is fine...normally if you started out with a number (say 3-4) by date number 4 you would think that the potential dates would've dwindled by the top two candidates...then you have to make your call at that time.

I personally think once there's some kind of kissing involved, then at the very least there's an implied exclusivity there....(so ladies, watch out if I kissed any of you, that means we're stuck together forever!)
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  June 11,2010, 8:43am
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You seem to be assuming that if you date a woman, you're somehow promising her exclusivity or a future or something along those lines. I think in early dates with someone, all you're promising is to show up and try to get to know one another. You're not guaranteeing anything.

So you're not "stringing someone along" just by going out with her. "Stringing along" I think is where you know it isn't going to go anywhere but you continue to pursue it anyway.

If I went out with you for 2 months, and we had never promised exclusivity, and then you said "I'm sorry, there's another woman I've been dating and we're getting serious so I have to end this" I might feel disappointed and sad, but I wouldn't feel misused.

As long as you don't mislead anyone into thinking you're being exclusive, I think it's emotionally honest and fine to date more than one woman at a time.

However. Some people can't multi-date. They just can't deal with more than one budding relationship at a time. Perhaps you're that type? That's fine. But I think you're right, it is more efficient to multi-date.

With online, one thing you could do is not get into GC with more than 1 woman at a time. That way you don't have to close out someone you might have gotten along well with. (This is a reason why it's a good idea to leave non-responding matches open. They may come back a few weeks later and respond.)
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  June 11,2010, 9:05am
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Sounds like you are confusing dating with a relationship and that you are approaching dating as if a promise of marriage.

So here is my take on things....

First of all, if you are just exchanging e-mails with someone, you don't have a relationship and you are not dating them. Until you've met in person you have nothing at all going on for you.

Secondly, you are not dating until you've met in person and gone past 3-4 dates where questions of do I want to invest more in this person or I don't really see much here come up.....and.....the mutual decision is to continue seeing each other.

Finally, dating is a road that leads to a relationship, but is not by itself a relationship. The whole idea of dating is to hang out, get to know each other, have fun together and develop a friendship and see if a relationship will develop out of that or not. Sometimes it does and most of the time it does not.

What I'm trying to say is that whether you go on a few dates with three women one at a time (meaning dumping #1 before proceeding with #2, etc.) or three women at once (meaning meeting #1 on wed and #2 on friday, etc), the outcome is the same - you'll only end up liking one of them and hoping that she will like you back just as much. The other factor is that people are pretty quick to know when it's not right for them - 1-4 dates is usually more than enough to know that. (Typically, meeting once is enough) So, it does not make sense to cut off all communications with everyone and act like you are in a committed relationship when you don't yet have a relationship.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #6  June 11,2010, 9:07am

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tweet37 wrote :
This has been brought up a number of times before and we couldn't decide, so we all agreed to stop dating altogether.
lol.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #7  June 11,2010, 9:28am
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I don't think I can see the initial emails and first two or three meetings as any more than hello, you seem interesting, I'm interested in getting to know you better.

With online dating, it is too soon to know if I want a relationship or anything more than friendship just on the basis of a few emails and a single meeting or two.

I don't think it's necessary to mislead anyone on this point. I'm very upfront and honest about where my feelings are and won't make promises I don't yet know I can keep.

This has taken me some getting used to as well. If it were someone I'd met in real life and was dating, I would likely not be interested at all in dating someone else, otherwise I would not be dating the person at all. But I think in the more usual real life situation, you know a bit more about the person and I think you are actually further along in the process in that you already know you are interested in them and have some chemistry with them ... it's just a matter of figuring out if the compatibility and the right fit are there.

With these online dates, things are kind of reversed and I don't personally feel I can even know if they've lied in the profile or telling the truth in their emails, much less whether I'm actually interested enough to date them. I can't seem to figure that out until at least 3 or 4 dates.

I agree that it seems once kissing is involved there's more of an implication of exclusivity. So don't kiss me unless you meant it!
Last edited by nightling; June 11,2010 at 9:34am.
 
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slaw is offline slaw Post #8  June 11,2010, 12:26pm
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In my view, it's okay as long you follow two rules. One, never set up expectations for her that you can't or won't meet (e.g. buy her expensive stuff, plan stuff months ahead). These actions give her certain expectations about the future that you may not be around for and cause disappointment.

Two, never mislead her about your feelings and intentions (e.g. telling her you love her when you don't, of course I want to only be with you, etc.).

Also, seeing someone a couple of times is not dating them. You really shouldn't worry about this issue unless you find yourself a few weeks in with a couple of women and you might then have to choose.
 
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Monual is offline Monual Post #9  June 11,2010, 12:31pm
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Thanks guys, useful tips.

I guess the best advice is not to think of it as "dating" but rather "getting to know you". The "dating" part doesn't happen until lips meet. Or something like that.

Thanks again for all the comments. =)
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #10  June 11,2010, 1:45pm
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there are all kinds of "vocabulary words" that no one ever agrees on...

what's the difference between:
just communicating
dating
exclusive
committed
relationship
long-term
exploring

could go on and on... you get the drift... you just have to do what you feel comfortable doing.
 
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