should I accept this situation with a guy?


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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #1  June 10,2010, 6:11am
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met a cool guy my own age, 42, also with young kids, on another dating website a few weeks ago. dated him for a couple of weeks, ended up sleeping together, obviously too soon in the realm of things but he was the first guy I'd been interested in since my divorce so, hey, things happened. thought it was okay, but then I realized he didn't want to be exclusive and he didn't ask me out for a week and I only heard from him every couple of days. so I figured it was completely over and I set three dates in three days with new guys that appealed.Then he came back.

We've only been dating 2-1/2 weeks. Is it within the realm of normalcy to date someone while seeing others, and hope that they will eventually choose to just be with you? Or does this really just mean that I'm clearly missing some essential quality that he must have in a woman and I'm kidding myself?

Thoughts? I am rather stumped on this one. Just when I wrote him off, back he came...
Last edited by scully98; July 1,2010 at 12:11pm.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  June 10,2010, 6:15am
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wrote :
e said he feels like I might just be the perfect woman for him, but that he's not in a place personally or emotionally where he can make a commitment to seriously date one person right now,
Hes full of a word that I would get modded for. When a guy spouts carp like this I instantaneously lose respect for him and think he's a monumental waste of my time.

I can't even wrap my brain around exactly why someone would find a situation like this acceptable. I wouldn't. It would be over. I don't need to hang on to a guy for the sake of being in a relaionship, esp. on that would attempt to string me along with a load of carp. Ugh.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #3  June 10,2010, 6:21am
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deleted double post
Last edited by scully98; June 10,2010 at 6:48am. Reason: double post - whups!
 
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melman is offline melman Post #4  June 10,2010, 6:22am
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Never again will I doubt myself when people question why I am adamant about not getting involved with divorced women. Or about getting involved in the dating complications of my divorced friends in general. It's just too weird.
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #5  June 10,2010, 6:25am
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I can tell you the exact reason I'm considering it. Because he has captured my interest in a way that only three other men in my entire life have managed to do. At age 42, I realize that it is rare to find someone that appeals to me as much as this guy does. I spent years as a single woman before marrying at age 35, and I kissed many, many toads, and was always quick to break up with guys when they weren't right for me.

I don't feel like I must be in a relationship. It's just that this guy, if he were ready to be serious, is exactly the guy that I have always been looking for. The chemistry, intelligence, cleverness, appearance, similar interests...they're all a perfect match to my dream guy. Not that I would ever, ever, ever tell him that.

The reason I am giving him a minute of the benefit of the doubt is because he just got out of a 15-year marriage eight months ago and I am only the fourth woman he's dated since his split. He just gave up an executive level job to move back to be closer to his kids, so he's currently only working part time, this guy who was previously a star exec at his company, so I do understand why he's going through so many stresses in life at the moment.

Based on all of that, and my own life experiences at age 42, I don't feel ready, just yet, to throw him aside. I want to consider everything and see if, perhaps, a bit of time might help him figure things out. I don't plan on making this my summer project by any means. But a few more weeks, perhaps, just to see what comes of it doesn't sound unreasonable. Just not sure if there is any point, if guys like this ever do come around.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  June 10,2010, 6:30am
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Scully for this to work I think you really have to let go of any expectation of a future together. It could happen, but if you're counting on that or trying to move towards it, you are going to be constantly disappointed and hurt and wondering and suspicious and angry.

Really he sounds much more like FWB than relationship material. You have to take people at their word. He says "I do not want a committed/exclusive relationship." His behavior supports that. I think he really doesn't want a relationship.

When he says things like "maybe down the road ..." that sounds like a player. Keeping you on the hook.

If you can let go of any future hope or desire, maybe this can be a nice experience. Can you?
 
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scully98 is offline scully98 Post #7  June 10,2010, 6:36am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Scully for this to work I think you really have to let go of any expectation of a future together. It could happen, but if you're counting on that or trying to move towards it, you are going to be constantly disappointed and hurt and wondering and suspicious and angry.

Really he sounds much more like FWB than relationship material. You have to take people at their word. He says "I do not want a committed/exclusive relationship." His behavior supports that. I think he really doesn't want a relationship.

When he says things like "maybe down the road ..." that sounds like a player. Keeping you on the hook.

If you can let go of any future hope or desire, maybe this can be a nice experience. Can you?
Sassafras, I think I can let go of any expectations for a while. Not sure if that means a day, a week or a month, but that will simply be something I have to play by ear.

I'd totally written him out of my life as of Sunday afternoon. Had already been on another coffee date by that point. So given that I'd already eliminated any possibility of a future with him, and haven't let myself go back there yet, so I think that is something I can do, at least for now.

Again, 99.9% of the men in this world would NOT be getting this option with me. I have never had a problem telling guys it's over, see you later, etc. But if there is a chance this guy might be legit, then I at least want to wait a few weeks to see what pans out. He is definitely more special than most people - not just men - that I've met in my life.

But he is NOT worth me getting hurt over. The whole point of dating is to feel good, and if he stops making me feel good, I am backing out. That point might come in a few days, or a few weeks. I have to play that one as it comes.
 
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Alli824 is offline Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #8  June 10,2010, 6:41am
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6 days of no dates is not a long time, especially given you two are just getting to know each other. I know exactly what you mean about finding someone appealing on a number of levels, it gets more challenging as we mature. My instincts are to go for it, as it is a rare and beautiful thing when two people connect. He has been honest with you. A man 8 months out of a divorce, and having some serious life changes will not want to rush into anything. I'd be willing to explore with him, it's not as if he disappeared for months, and then reappeared trying to pick up where he left off. (The usual modus operandi.) He may have needed the time to process how he feels about you. I am more wary of the guys who come on strong immediately (calling every day, texting like its going out of style, asking you out 3 times a week,) than those checking in with me once a week and seeing me every couple. I'd continue to date him and others, and see where this goes. Good luck!
 
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dmi is online now dmi Post #9  June 10,2010, 6:45am
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Think you need to get your emotions under control and be realistic about the situation. Not saying that you can't explore this relationship. More that you sound out of control and headed for a crash.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  June 10,2010, 6:52am
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Put this in proper perspective - you've only known each other 2.5 weeks. In other words you don't know each other at all. If you haven't slept with him, there would be no relationship talk and no date in 6 days would not be an issue. Since you did sleep with him, you have developed some expectations and got all emotional about the situation. If someone asked me after 2.5 weeks to be exclusive with them, I'd also decline and probably run too.

So, my advice is for you to chill out and get to know each other and have fun and let the chips fall where they may. If a month or two down the road you are still getting the song dance about how crazy his life is, then kick him out. Right now it's just too much too fast.
 
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