Where do I stand with her?


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someguyoneh is offline someguyoneh Post #1  June 9,2010, 7:09pm
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I've been seeing someone I really like, but its hard to know for sure where I stand with her. Granted its still early on, we've been on four dates with the fifth coming up this Saturday, and its been about three weeks since we started dating. By the second date she invited me into her place and we kissed and hugged, which is the usual progression. It seems to be progressing very slowly, but we maintain physical closeness, so I'm not sure if she wants to take things really slow, or if she is continuing to meet new guys while vetting me. I'm not saying she needs to sleep with me, but I'm sort of stuck on what to do next. This is why dating is maddening-all the doubt and uncertainty make me unsure of how to progress things forward.

I don't want to overstep my bounds, but also don't want to come across as uninterested. I guess what I'm wondering is what other peoples experiences were or are when starting to see someone new. Should I keep seeing other people even though for now I want to see where this goes? At what point would you all decide another person is dragging their feet too much? I feel like this could go somewhere long term, but then that tiny grain of "what if" doubt keeps itching.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  June 9,2010, 7:13pm
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As long as things are progressing, I would not be too concerned at the pace.

As long as she is showing the level of return interest / investment you think is fair, I would not worry over that.

You can't force someone to forego others, so I find it best to ignore that entirely, and focus on the above.

***

You could try asking or progressing for some greater intimacy, and see how she reacts (especially if you are prepared to walk), or asking for exclusivity?
Last edited by D_Lion; June 9,2010 at 7:15pm.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  June 9,2010, 7:30pm
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just throw her on the bed and tell her whats what. its not a relationship without sex!
Last edited by Nanette; June 9,2010 at 7:30pm. Reason: can you tell i'm tired... no, exhausted?
 
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suzyque is online now suzyque Post #4  June 9,2010, 7:33pm
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Hmmm...is she wishing to speak with you in between dates? Texting? Calling at night? I would think at this point she would want a little more contact than a once a week date. Everybody is different as far as pacing and when to go exclusive. Perhaps you could say something like..."I would like to take my profile down, but I certainly don't want to pressure you to do the same." Something along those lines.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  June 10,2010, 2:37pm
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suzyque wrote :
Perhaps you could say something like..."I would like to take my profile down, but I certainly don't want to pressure you to do the same." Something along those lines.

Well stated. This is a good idea.


Nanette wrote :
just throw her on the bed and tell her whats what. its not a relationship without sex!

This is also a good idea !!!
 
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chemgal is offline chemgal Post #6  June 10,2010, 3:19pm
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someguyoneh wrote :
I'm not sure if she wants to take things really slow, or if she is continuing to meet new guys while vetting me. I'm not saying she needs to sleep with me, but I'm sort of stuck on what to do next.
It seems to me that, if you want to know if she's seeing other people (and if you'd maybe prefer the two of you just see each other), you should ask her.
 
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someguyoneh is offline someguyoneh Post #7  June 10,2010, 5:16pm
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Ok, the consensus is to ask her and see what happens, which is my gut feeling at this point. As far as the rate of contact between us all I can say is we're both busy with our jobs and her response time to meet was the same as it was when we were communicating only online, so I don't know how much I can assume about that. I have to be at the top of her list or at least near it if she's willing to invite me in her place to make out, and spend time with me on the weekends, right?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  June 10,2010, 5:30pm
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someguyoneh wrote :
I have to be at the top of her list or at least near it if she's willing to invite me in her place to make out, and spend time with me on the weekends, right?

Not really a safe assumption.

Even if a partner is not "multi-dating," and even if you are currently "at the top," does not mean your partner is satisfied with you, and not seeking a better replacement.

This is why return interest is a better guide.

***

Again, though, I do not see any cause for concern, here.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #9  June 11,2010, 1:50am
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Ask yourself a few questions about her actions to get a better picture of her level of interest.

Does she seem to make an effort to spend time with you, or does she seems passive about it? For example, when you ask her out for another date, if she's busy that evening, does she right away discuss alternative nights with you?

Are your dates all daytime, or are they primetime dating nights like Friday night and Saturday night? Most people who are multidating will go out with #1 on those evenings when possible and use the others are backup or see them other nights or during days.

Does she ever initiate physical closeness with you? Touching, kissing, holding your hand? Even if she's shy, if she's attracted she'll naturally move closer to you without realizing it.

What I'm basically talking about is reading her body language and her interactions with you to get a sense of where you stand with her.
 
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someguyoneh is offline someguyoneh Post #10  June 11,2010, 6:44am
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It was obvious from the beginning. On our second date she walked extremely close to me, and she initiated a kiss. Our dates are generally on a weekend evening. Right now it seems she's either taking it really slow, or she's still unsure about me? It hasn't progressed to more than a once a week date-although we've been to each others homes, which usually doesn't happen unless they're interested.
 
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