trying to start a long distance relationship


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starbuck23 is offline starbuck23 Post #1  June 9,2010, 4:25pm
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I've been on eharmony a while but never posted on these forums. I'm currently facing a dilemma and would love some advice. I was matched with a guy that lives about six hours away. We both live in small towns where the dating pool seems slim at times. We originally exchanged a few emails on eharmony, I thought he seemed cool, but my account was about to expire. Well, I discovered he knew a friend of mine that lives in his town, and this friend vouched for the guy. I was pretty excited!

So, eventually we met halfway and had a great first date. About a month later, he visited me. And it was fun, though I found myself wary about the intensity of the weekend--I felt like we were trying to fit five dates into 1.5 days. Since then, he has been wanting to talk quite frequently and the messages he leaves if I miss a call make me uncomfortable, but it's hard for me to explain why exactly. Perhaps something in the tone of voice that suggests I should drop what I'm doing to answer the phone? In a couple of weeks we are planning on getting together in a city where I also will be visiting family and other friends.

My concerns: Only seeing each other once a month is making it hard for me to figure out whether we are headed for a relationship. On the one hand, I'm very independent and don't need to see my partner every day, or talk every day, but on the other, I lead a fairly active life and I know it's going to be hard for me to make time to visit him very much, if we were to get more serious. I have volunteer activities and friends in my town I want to keep in touch with. I also am not a huge fan of talking on the phone; although I feel as if I were really into this guy that would be a non-issue.

He seems like a great guy and we do have things in common and generally have fun. I sometimes wonder though if he is agreeing with me just to please me. I feel like I would have a better idea about this if we saw each other more frequently.
I guess I'm trying to figure out if the problem is the long distance aspect of it, or if it is that I'm just not as into this guy as I initially thought. If the former, there might be way to work it out if we talked openly about it; if the latter, obviously I need to end it now. I do wonder though if a long distance relationship is really for me.
Any advice appreciated!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  June 9,2010, 4:40pm
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starbuck23 wrote :
Since then, he has been wanting to talk quite frequently and the messages he leaves if I miss a call make me uncomfortable, but it's hard for me to explain why exactly. Perhaps something in the tone of voice that suggests I should drop what I'm doing to answer the phone?

I see this as a matter of negotiation to check if you can come to an agreement on how much, how often, and how important calling is.


starbuck23 wrote :
My concerns: Only seeing each other once a month is making it hard for me to figure out whether we are headed for a relationship. On the one hand, I'm very independent and don't need to see my partner every day, or talk every day, but on the other, I lead a fairly active life and I know it's going to be hard for me to make time to visit him very much, if we were to get more serious.

This is a question which comes up a lot, so I copied my comments.

I suggest asking specifically useful questions - for both of you to answer - such as:

- How much time / how often do you need to be together to attain / sustain a relationship?

- Are you content with this, and will not continue to look for something local (large element of trust in this answer)?

- Can you afford this?

- Do you have any views on the appropriate distribution of costs / time invested in travel?

- Do you have any constraints that would make relocation difficult?

- Do you have any experience with a long distance relationship?

This is a very serious decision, and these are serious questions which you should be thinking about, and discussing in an honest and mature manner. I would be.


starbuck23 wrote :
I do wonder though if a long distance relationship is really for me.

Being someone who has many other things going on, and not needing to speak all the time actually seems ideal.

However, you have to have a compatible partner, the money to afford the travel - and some way to ultimately be closer - to make it work.
 
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