AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  June 9,2010, 12:50pm
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I've always wondered about a few things in regards to race. I've dated men who are of mixed races, so I've always considered myself open to just about anyone. Though, being a “white girl” I have been accused of being selective, for lack of a better word, but I think you all understand what I really mean. I have turned down offers for dates from men of other races for reasons other than the color of their skin or their ethnic background. It is usually a red flag that would make me say no to any man. (personality traits, stage of life, expectations expressed about the date)


So, I get a bit peeved when someone calls me “selective” and that I'm only turning them down because of their race. But, when someone of another race (other than being white) proclaims that they will only date those of their own race, no one bats an eye. Eddie Murphy is one who comes to mind. Before his Scary Spice marriage, he told the whole world he would only date someone of his own race.

So, why is it OK for “them”, but not for me (the white girl)?
 
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SeeShore is offline SeeShore Post #2  June 9,2010, 1:03pm
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Hmm. I was not aware there was a double standard...

I grew up in a racist town (still 99.8% white) with non-racist parents. I now live in a city with several universities that attract people from around the globe.

I don't personally have a problem with people being selective in that way- to each his own.

I have dated people from a variety of races including a man who spoke almost no english when we started dating. Shrug not a factor for me.

My daughter is dating a black man. I didn't like him at first for a number of reasons, not one of which was his color.

HOWEVER, my sister and her family are VERY VERY prejudiced. She lives in a community in which I am pretty confident that if we went to visit he would get lynched (and no, I am not joking).

This has been an issue for my daughter and I am sure will only get worse. She is going to have to make decisions in the coming months as to whether to bite the bullet and bring him along to family events or skip them or go alone. So far, she has come alone, but they are living together now and I can only imagine this is going to create tension.

There are legitimate reasons, I think, for choosing to date only within your own culture and I would not fault anyone for making that choice.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #3  June 9,2010, 1:11pm

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AndieIsMe wrote :
I've always wondered about a few things in regards to race. I've dated men who are of mixed races, so I've always considered myself open to just about anyone. Though, being a “white girl” I have been accused of being selective, for lack of a better word, but I think you all understand what I really mean. I have turned down offers for dates from men of other races for reasons other than the color of their skin or their ethnic background. It is usually a red flag that would make me say no to any man. (personality traits, stage of life, expectations expressed about the date)


So, I get a bit peeved when someone calls me “selective” and that I'm only turning them down because of their race. But, when someone of another race (other than being white) proclaims that they will only date those of their own race, no one bats an eye. Eddie Murphy is one who comes to mind. Before his Scary Spice marriage, he told the whole world he would only date someone of his own race.

So, why is it OK for “them”, but not for me (the white girl)?
Andie, Yoko Ono said it best in 1969.
 
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Andie0264 is offline Andie0264 Post #4  June 9,2010, 1:25pm
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My family, while stridently professing otherwise, is decidedly racist. They are fond of pointing out whenever they have a friend of another race or religion, like saying things like "You know John, my black friend? Well he said..." , or "you know his wife is Jewish, not that it matters..." Although my father once told me that he didn't care what color guy I dated because they'd all be better than this guy Michael I lived with for a time.

In any event, race is just packaging to me. Religion could be an issue but only if the person is an evangelical christian (I am not christian) and is intent on converting me, or if he belongs to a religion that subjugates women. Otherwise, I really don't care. He's either a good guy or he isn't. I like some non-white people, and I don't like some non-white people. I like some white people, and don't like some white people. I fail to see why color matters, but by the same token, I know many people who are extremely uncomfortable even thinking of dating outside their races. We're all different. Just be true to yourself.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #5  June 9,2010, 1:33pm
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I'm not sure that there is a double standard when it comes to people choosing to only date within their race... I think what happens, is with people who will only date a certain race (that is not their own).

Now, if you only dated black guys, someone might have an issue with that, or if Eddie Murphy only dated latino girls... same might hold true.

People who hold issue with these kind of things do so because they feel like they, personally, are being excluded. No one likes to be excluded. It's like a guy saying he will never date a red head... I know many red heads that would be offended by that. But, why?

I never fault any person who only wants to date within their race (or any race) as it is a personal choice. Sometimes, it simply boils down to common attraction. Although I would find it difficult to proclaim the "beauty" of one entire race, I know many people have proclaimed the "unnattractiveness" of an entire race.

To each his/her own. Do what feels right for you.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  June 9,2010, 2:24pm
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hankscorpio wrote :
Andie, Yoko Ono said it best in 1969.
Why don't you refresh my memory. I wasn't even born in 1969. Yoko is also an artist I don't care for much, so don't know much about her.
 
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brixjnz is offline brixjnz Post #7  June 9,2010, 2:45pm
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I was once accused of being racist by a black guy because I wasn't interested in dating him (on POF). Of course it couldn't possibly be because his profile picture was of him (he was unattractive), his son (who was my age) and his grandchildren. His accusation only made him even less attractive than he already was (if that's possible). So I ended up blocking him for several reasons. But not because he was black.

I think some people are quick to accuse others of racism in the "dating" world because they cannot fathom that there may be actual legitimate things about them that are not attractive to you. In my opinion that's a copout and just shows their delusion and my good judgment.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #8  June 9,2010, 2:45pm

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AndieIsMe wrote :
Why don't you refresh my memory. I wasn't even born in 1969. Yoko is also an artist I don't care for much, so don't know much about her.
If you look up her quotes you'll probably recognize it when you see it. It was also the title of one of her songs if I remember correctly.
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #9  June 9,2010, 2:53pm

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Dang I thought this was about watching Nascar during a date!
 
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Uncarved_Block is offline Uncarved_Block Post #10  June 9,2010, 3:06pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
I've always wondered about a few things in regards to race. I've dated men who are of mixed races, so I've always considered myself open to just about anyone. Though, being a “white girl” I have been accused of being selective, for lack of a better word, but I think you all understand what I really mean. I have turned down offers for dates from men of other races for reasons other than the color of their skin or their ethnic background. It is usually a red flag that would make me say no to any man. (personality traits, stage of life, expectations expressed about the date)


So, I get a bit peeved when someone calls me “selective” and that I'm only turning them down because of their race. But, when someone of another race (other than being white) proclaims that they will only date those of their own race, no one bats an eye. Eddie Murphy is one who comes to mind. Before his Scary Spice marriage, he told the whole world he would only date someone of his own race.

So, why is it OK for “them”, but not for me (the white girl)?
I'm a white guy. Swore off white girls after my first divorce from one. 25 or so years later, I've finally met a white girl I like. We'll just have to see how that works out. But I had a bias that is something I'm not afraid to say.

I can ask girls of other cultures what their values are and get pretty decent answers. Maybe it was all those years living in SoCal with the valley girls, but I often would get vacuous looks or stammering explanations from white girls. They had no idea what I was asking, and I'm pretty sure I used our native language.

And whatever you wanna decide isn't up for others to influence. I think you should date whoever the heck you want. And your selection criteria is none of their business, especially if they react that way. That's an attempt at manipulating the dialog. Nancy R. says Just Say No.

Anyway that's my $.02. Minus taxes and fees.
Last edited by Uncarved_Block; June 9,2010 at 3:13pm. Reason: add the answer
 
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