Proceeding to the next step: first meet


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gmart8 is offline gmart8 Post #1  June 8,2010, 8:34pm
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Hello,

I did some research and looked through the boards to see if I could find similar topics to what I have to say, but I couldn't find any. However, if anyone could redirect me to similar topics, or perhaps the same subject that I'm going to discuss now, please let me know! Thanks!

I have been communicating with a guy I met online and we have talked back and forth for about a week and a half now. He asked me to meet for coffee sometime a few days into communicating with him- but it turns out we had busy schedules and stuff, and are still just talking online for now. Ummm, the thing I am SO frightened about is this: When we do meet for the first time, what i'm so terrified is this: What if it ruins what we've built up online in terms of getting to know each other?

I think that's what I'm afraid about, what if when we meet, everything falls apart, and it was just a waste of emotions and worrying "what if.." like I am doing right now? I really don't want that to happen. But I have this really bad habit of imagining the best outcome, having high expectations. It's all in the head, and the more I think about it, the more I think it's never what you imagine it to be.

So should I just lower my expectations really really low, and assume the worst when I first meet him, THAT WAY I won't be disappointed on our first meeting??

Perhaps if worse case scenario, we could just be friends, right??

thanks!
 
 
Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  June 8,2010, 9:34pm
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Well, there is a middle ground you could try! Rather than fantasizing he's Perfect and The One, or that he's completely awful, you could instead focus on the reality:

You've had some online contact.
It's gone well.
You both want to meet each other.
There's a good chance that pretty soon you will meet each other.
The meeting might go well, or it might not, or it might be inconclusive.

That's really about it, right now. Try to make the meeting happen asap. The more time you spend online before meeting, the more apt you are to get lost in fantasies.

Good luck with it! and welcome to EHA!
 
 
RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #3  June 8,2010, 9:57pm

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Like any new thing, first times can be uncomfortable. So I try to meet at a place where I feel the most comfortable and safe. Starbucks works for me.

I arrive there 15 minutes early so I can order my own coffee and settle into a chair, open a paper and get comfortable without wandering in late and having to juggle a purse and handshake and awkwardness right off the bat.

I always buy my own coffee. I feel like I am in control that way.

Just take a big deep breath and remember to try and have a good time. Chances are you'll never see him again..I can't begin to tell you how many first meets I;ve had that went no place else.

Don't sweat it if you can avoid it..he is probably just as anxious.

It's just coffee! Thats whats nice about Starbucks-familiar to everyone, on almost every corner and you can sit and talk for a couple of hours without getting glared at by waitstaff.

Remember to have fun!
 
 
Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #4  June 9,2010, 5:35am
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Stop getting ahead of yourself! Less stressful that way........
Go meet this person.... have coffee with the only goal being a nice in person chat, and deciding if you want to have another one........

Babysteps.......

Building something online? And worrying about it being ruined? OK, you might want to rethink this a bit - maybe if you looked at it from the viewpoint of it's not real until we meet the experience might just be a tad easier on you.......

Take a step back, breathe deep, and go meet the guy for coffee......... quit overanalyzing this stuff, you will drive yourself crazy doing it........

JMHO

Please let us know what happens after you meet him! and remember no matter what happens it is a learning experience.....

Lilycat
 
 
gmart8 is offline gmart8 Post #5  June 9,2010, 3:28pm
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Ummmm yeah, I think things have turned out for the worst now, now that i've kind of dwelled on imagination for the past few days. Now I feel reluctant and wanting to back out of even going on the first date. I am questioning everything. Everything.


I have too many doubts in my mind.
Crappp

I don't know what to do anymore....
 
 
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  June 9,2010, 3:55pm
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This is one reason not to delay meeting.

You have no business hoping "to be friends if nothing else."

With experience, it gets a lot easier. So, the worst that can happen is practice.
 
 
elmenope is offline elmenope Post #7  June 9,2010, 3:56pm
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Just relax and go meet him. You'll never know if you're going to click unless you meet in person. Also, you can't keep your relationship with this person only by emails and phone calls. You'll either like him or you don't but go and met him and find out for sure.
 
 
Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  June 9,2010, 9:57pm
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That's the downside of imagining too much about someone you haven't met: "oh it's pointless, oh he's awful, oh he won't like me" ... where the upside was "oh this guy is great, it's going to work really well ..."

Both of those are just imaginings ... your current distress and your earlier distress.

Perhaps online dating is not for you? If you only meet men IRL you won't have to go through this.

But I'd say ... just go. Make the leap. See what happens. It might be fabulous, it might be terrible, most likely it will be somewhere in between.
 
 
Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #9  June 9,2010, 11:35pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
Well, there is a middle ground you could try! Rather than fantasizing he's Perfect and The One, or that he's completely awful, you could instead focus on the reality:

You've had some online contact.
It's gone well.
You both want to meet each other.
There's a good chance that pretty soon you will meet each other.
The meeting might go well, or it might not, or it might be inconclusive.

That's really about it, right now. Try to make the meeting happen asap. The more time you spend online before meeting, the more apt you are to get lost in fantasies.

Good luck with it! and welcome to EHA!
Good advice!!

My rule of thumb is, if the online chat has gone on for a week or more and is going very well then meet ASAP, preferably for coffee or a daytime drink.
 
 
gmart8 is offline gmart8 Post #10  June 17,2010, 8:00pm
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Lilycat wrote :
Stop getting ahead of yourself! Less stressful that way........
Go meet this person.... have coffee with the only goal being a nice in person chat, and deciding if you want to have another one........

Babysteps.......

Building something online? And worrying about it being ruined? OK, you might want to rethink this a bit - maybe if you looked at it from the viewpoint of it's not real until we meet the experience might just be a tad easier on you.......

Take a step back, breathe deep, and go meet the guy for coffee......... quit overanalyzing this stuff, you will drive yourself crazy doing it........

JMHO

Please let us know what happens after you meet him! and remember no matter what happens it is a learning experience.....

Lilycat
__________________________________________________ ___

Well, I'm here to report back on my experiences of my first date (and second). It was, let's say completely not at all what I expected. It was my first date, first first date, like ever. It went pretty well, up until the end of the night when we walked he walked me to my car and proceeded to kiss me. Lol, It happened all too fast, I was overwhelmed, and I freaked out and said "i've never kissed a guy before" And it was the truth. But then he understood and that night he texted me and said that he had a good time. A couple of days later we went for a second date. However, it wasn't as thrilling as the first. We went for a walk after dinner, and I felt like there was nothing there. We held hands the entire time, but one thing I noticed was that there was SO MUCH silence. So much. I just didn't have anything to say. One of the reasons why is because I was still in awe; I still couldn't believe it was all happening to me. This is all COMPLETELY new to me. Those dates were my first ever. I was overwhelmed that I couldn't believe it was for real.. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I didn't speak much. But I also feel that one of the reasons is because of me. Because i'm really shy and afraid to speak up in fear of judgment.

Because of the outcomes of these couple of dates with this one guy, I can't help but blame the lack of success because of my personality, because I was shy and couldn't say much. I can't help but put myself down. When things don't go as planed, are you supposed to blame yourself because that's what I feel. I'm thinking back on those dates last week, and picking out the things that I did wrong.

At least I can finally cross these things off of my life list: First date and first kiss. That's the only ups I can think of unfortunately I'm trying to look forward now, and not dwell on the past, because it just makes me feel like I failed in all ways.
 
 
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