Dating & Kids... two separate lives okay?


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  June 7,2010, 9:33am
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I've read several opinions on here about people who date, and when is the appropriate time to introduce your kids to the guy(s) you are dating. I know there is no perfect time, but what has people's experiences been? Right now, I pretty much feel like I've been living two separate lives... my dating life, and then my "mommy" life.

I guess I figured that I would have to be in a serious relationship (I'm talking leaning towards marriage) before I would ever think about introducing a guy to my kids... I have been on dates, where the guy immediately wanted to introduce me to his kid, and this was while I was still multi-dating. Although, I have been on dates with guys where I have met their older (basically grown 17-22yo) children. Any younger than that, and I don't think I would personally feel comfortable with it.

I get it... some people think you introduce early on because you have to gauge how the person does around your child(ren), and that is part of determining whether they are someone whom you'd even be open to starting a relationship. So, you do this early on in the dating stage... then, there are people like me, who have always thought that meeting my children is such a HUGE thing, that I would not even consider casually introducing them to a guy that I was just dating, until we were ready to be in a serious relationship.

Hmmm... there is something to be said about how a guy acts around your children, especially since I have dated a lot of men who have never been married and have never had any children. Would that make a difference? Should that make a difference?
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #2  June 7,2010, 9:46am

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When my children were younger I tried to approach it from their perspective and more importantly, what was best for them. After watching their parents go through a divorce, the last thing I wanted was to have my children exposed to another person, begin to develope a relationship with them and then have it end.

Single adults with children do have adult time and adult activities that children need not be privy to or a part of. Only when I believed that I am at a stage where I am thinking long term with respect to the one I am dating, was the issue of bringing that person into family activities addressed.
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #3  June 7,2010, 9:48am
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High five to the idea of two seperate lives. I am one who takes a very conservative view on when to introduce a child into the relationship. I want to build a foundation with someone first and then, when that foundation is solid and commitment to forever is solid, he can become a regular part of my dd's life. It doesn't mean I lock him out of my mommy world--it just means that I don't make him his own set of keys for that world until much later.

Before the commitment stage hey, if he has kids, we can do a playdate here or there. Or take her out to dinner a few times. But nothing major in terms of time spent until much much later. Nothing that she will "miss" if it were to go away.

I would not let her see me being intimate (spend the night), extremely affectionate etc. with someone unless we were engaged. That is just what works for me. It is a very conservative approach. She is 4.5 and her dad died. I consider it my job to bring stability into her life and cope with the personal sacrifices that entails. I trust that the right guy will understand.

Luckily, my mom is nearby and always willing to have her over when I need adult time.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #4  June 7,2010, 10:26am
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Perhaps a good compromise between wanting to see your date interact with your child, and wanting to protect the child from the experience of getting attached to someone you end up breaking up with, is to have group situations where your date and child can interact? BBQ with various friends with kids. Kids' birthday parties. Where your date is just one more adult there?
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #5  June 7,2010, 11:10am
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It would be better for you to at least have some meeting with that no children ever person you are dating to see how they are with your kids.

Then they will know what "baggage" you bring and if they arent up to it they will run.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #6  June 7,2010, 11:29am
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ami1uwant wrote :
It would be better for you to at least have some meeting with that no children ever person you are dating to see how they are with your kids.

Then they will know what "baggage" you bring and if they arent up to it they will run.

... are you calling kids baggage?
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #7  June 7,2010, 12:04pm
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at ami1... I was just kidding by the way...

I think baggage can be defined as anything someone brings into a relationship that may be seen as an added burden to the relationship or new partner. Something that was not necessarily a choice beforehand, but came with the situation, and you have to decide to accept or not accept it.

In that sense... kids could be considered "baggage" to some. Although, as I do not consider my kids or someone else's kids baggage, those who do think of kids in this light, should probably think really closely before dating someone with kids.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #8  June 7,2010, 12:37pm
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jussmile wrote :
at ami1... I was just kidding by the way...

I think baggage can be defined as anything someone brings into a relationship that may be seen as an added burden to the relationship or new partner. Something that was not necessarily a choice beforehand, but came with the situation, and you have to decide to accept or not accept it.

In that sense... kids could be considered "baggage" to some. Although, as I do not consider my kids or someone else's kids baggage, those who do think of kids in this light, should probably think really closely before dating someone with kids.

Baggage is anything someone carries with them from prior relationships and in life. Children are included.

Kids wouldnt bother me if I was dating someone with children....but with others it would bother them big time especially taking into accout the ages of your children. Some dont mind teenagers (because you dont have to do much and the kids have their own lives so more free time for you) but dont want to deal with having the burden of younger children which drains on the attention given in the relationship.

Say you find a guy around your age...mid 30s or so...who appears to be great in every way...except he never had children and in talking with him you arent to sure on how he feels about kids.

So the kids become the make or break in the relationship because if he cant handle the children which are part of your life then this relationship has no long term future. This is why introducing kids early is really important...not so much with the kids but to screen your mate because otherwise your courtship is a waste of time. Even if he was great with kids...your parental philosphy is also an issue that will divide the relationship and cause problems.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #9  June 7,2010, 12:45pm
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ami1, you don't have children, correct? So, as your suggestion to introduce children to your date early on "sounds" good, in practice, it isn't always the case.

each situation carries it's own issues. Sometimes the kids are all for mom or dad finding someone new. Sometimes the kids are holding onto the fantasy that their mom and dad will reconcile.

I'm saying that it is purely up to the parents (I think both should be on the same page in regards to this) and the children and the person they are dating.

I've seen where one parent or the other will introduce their child to every first date they have, usually with bad results, in the long term. I've also seen where the parents wait too long before introductions are made.

Also, you have to consider the other parent of your children. Maybe they don't want their children meeting every Tom, Dick or Harry you are dating. Maybe they don't care. Maybe they are the hurt party and will foster hatred towards you and your new date in the children.

So many things to consider.
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #10  June 7,2010, 7:17pm
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I'm of the belief that kids shouldn't spend time with a date until I feel that there's a strong potential for long-term. While my kids may be introduced at the door to a date, they don't spend any significant, "quality" time with them for several months. I made this decision for two reasons:
  • I made the mistake early in letting my kids get close to a boyfriend when I was first beginning to date again. When the relationship ended, it was hard on me and hard on them. I can handle it, but it was made doubly difficult when I had to keep explaining why they weren't seeing him anymore.
  • My ex-husband not only introduced my kids early, he had sleepovers with his SO while my kids were there. That left me having to explain to a 5 year old why Daddy was doing that. Plus, her dad was asking/encouraging her to lie to me about it. It was a bad situation all around.
As far as keeping "two separate lives"? I don't have a problem with that in the least. I think often children are told way too much about things that they can't understand and don't need to know. You know, most of us don't involve our kids in our work lives. We don't include them in financial decisions. There are lots of things that we leave our kids out of and I think that's fine.
Last edited by singinggirl; June 7,2010 at 7:20pm.
 
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