u2cando is offline u2cando Post #1  June 7,2010, 12:13am
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I am dazed and confused.

I have been talking with a girl in a long distance relationship. We have been talking for a couple of months. We talk every night and text all of the time she sends pictures and makes me feel a part of her day. We share a lot in common with each other. She is a high maintance type of person. We met in the middle of May. When we met we had a little bit of an argument. It was over another guy. She still cares about an Ex boy friend and honestly it bothers me. He helps her with some legal matters and he is still close to her. They were texting about some legal matters (which I knew about...I just didnt know they were Exs') and then he started asking about personal things. I snapped when I found out about the past they shared. I went 500 plus miles and it angered me. She says they are no good for each other but, they still know eachother and they went throughso much together and so, they still have feelings for eachother but, no good for eachother???? I know they still talk but, it bothers me. It comes down to a trust issue and I want to trust her. She talks to me all of the tiime and is still very interested in me. She says I am moving way to fast for her. I am feeling like I can slow down but, there is obstacles in the way. He goes to the same Church and Sunday School Class. I honestly feel a little concerned. I don't feel like wasting my time but, yet their something that is telling me to slow down and take the time. I know she is very interested in me. I just need to know if I am dazed about this because, I really enjoy her. I can honestly say I am falling for the girl but, I don't want to get hurt.
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #2  June 7,2010, 12:42am
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u2cando wrote :
I am dazed and confused.

-snip-. When we met we had a little bit of an argument. It was over another guy. She still cares about an Ex boy friend and honestly it bothers me. He helps her with some legal matters and he is still close to her. They were texting about some legal matters (which I knew about...I just didnt know they were Exs') and then he started asking about personal things. I snapped when I found out about the past they shared. I went 500 plus miles and it angered me. She says they are no good for each other but, they still know eachother and they went throughso much together and so, they still have feelings for eachother but, no good for eachother???? I know they still talk but, it bothers me. -snip-
Arguments and an ex she is still having feelings for, and who she sees more often that you. You won't like this advice but the best thing you can do is forget her and move on! You are only going to get hurt. Date other women!
 
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ask_johnny is offline ask_johnny Post #3  June 7,2010, 7:55am
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Dude your being a chump. NEVER bother with long distance relationships. Your not in a relationship with this girl, your a long distance pen pall. Being in a relationship means you guys have a mental AND physical attatchment. I'm not seeing a physical attatchment so I wouldnt bother. Beyond that, this girl is immature and still has feelings for her ex so it wouldn't work out between you two anyway.
Last edited by ask_johnny; June 7,2010 at 8:06am.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  June 7,2010, 8:04am
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As you know now, it's not worth driving 8 hours for someone still involved with their ex-boyfriend...

Lesson learned.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #5  June 7,2010, 8:46am
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I think people very often have feelings for an ex, but that does not mean they aren't capable of seeing a particular relationship won't work for them and that they need something else. If the two people are fairly mature, they can set and keep a just friends boundary, and I think that's actually a sign of emotional maturity and good self-control.

However, if there is ANY secretive behavior about the relationship, and you are not invited and welcome if there is a planned activity ... it's most likely not a just friends situation and it's not worth investing more of your time and effort.

As you describe it, it seems like she was pretty open about the communication with the ex and didn't try to hide the relationship. That's a good sign to me that she is not really interested in pursuing a relationship with the ex even if they can still be friends.

Maybe make a list of good signs versus bad signs and see what sort of pattern emerges so you can get beyond the sort of emotional jungle you are in?

Distance relationships are very difficult. I would only recommend one if you are the type of person who is very secure in your attachments and not prone to worrying about what the other person is doing or not doing in your absence.

At the end of the day all relationships are a choice. She will choose you as first and primary or she will not. If you can accept that the outcome is the outcome and the right one (you wouldn't really want a relationship with someone who isn't into you would you?) and relax a little bit and just see what happens, then perhaps you will do all right exploring a long distance relationship ... but I think being able to avoid attachment to outcome is unusual and difficult for most people.

I also think you need to set a timeframe for important decisions ... like making it a permanent relationship and deciding that one of you will move to be near the other. That way you won't be spinning your wheels waiting indefinitely for things to move in the right direction.

Good luck, and hang in there.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  June 7,2010, 9:00am
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Hi u2cando and welcome to EHA.

There's a recent thread about being friends with an ex that you might want to read through:

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...-their-ex.html (Dating someone still "Friends" with their Ex?)

It can be problematic for some people, not for others. It sounds like it might be something that's a problem for you. And, like many other issues, it's much more intense, with a long-distance relationship.

Hope this helps!
 
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u2cando is offline u2cando Post #7  June 7,2010, 12:00pm
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Thanks guys!
She has now decided to come and see me? We talked about it before but, she still wants to see me in my state. We are not going to meet anybody but, just take it slow. She couldnt sleep last night when we were taling about all ofthis but, yet she doesn't know if she has deep feelings or not. I am thinking she really is in to me but, just not yet "sold". I am willing to take the time or am I just being stupid. I am not in for games
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  June 7,2010, 12:11pm
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u2cando wrote :
Thanks guys!
She has now decided to come and see me? We talked about it before but, she still wants to see me in my state. We are not going to meet anybody but, just take it slow. She couldnt sleep last night when we were taling about all ofthis but, yet she doesn't know if she has deep feelings or not. I am thinking she really is in to me but, just not yet "sold". I am willing to take the time or am I just being stupid. I am not in for games
You are kidding right? What feelings can she have when she has only seen you once in her life? You don't yet have a relationship, you are only working on creating one. Long distance relationships are different and certainly though. Two months long distance is not the same as two months locally seeing each other once or twice per week. Even then, you'd be putting the cart way in front of the horse talking about deep feelings. Relax and slow down.

As for the ex thing, it varies from person to person. Everyone has an ex. Some people love a dramatic burn the bridges break up, other remain civil, others still, will maintain a business or a friendly relationship with their ex to varying degrees. In some cases the relationship can be problematic. Right now you have no clue where she falls in that spectrum and all you can do is chill out and see where things go.
 
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