Some cream & sugar in your coffee?


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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  June 5,2010, 7:31pm
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I've read in several places (both online and offline) as well as hearing The Millionaire Matchmaker say that coffee for the first date/meet is a big no-no.

The reasoning being it creates no romantic connection. Going to a coffee shop is is for catching up with a buddy or meeting a friend, but not a potential mate.

A nice romantic restaurant is preferred. I've even read that amusement parks or bars and clubs that have dancing, so you can get physically close to your date.

What do you all think? No to coffee?
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #2  June 5,2010, 7:34pm
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I actually kind of agree with her on this one. I did a couple of coffee meets. The guy didn't like the atmosphere and neither did I really. The dinner dates seemed to go much better.
 
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chemgal is offline chemgal Post #3  June 5,2010, 7:49pm
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I think it depends a bit on the coffee shop. I had my first date with the guy I'm currently seeing at a cozy little bakery/coffee shop right around the corner from where I used to live. So, it had a much better atmosphere than a Starbucks or equivalent. Maybe that's the real issue? No impersonal chains? Or maybe we would have had a great first date wherever we went and it had nothing to do with the place.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #4  June 5,2010, 7:55pm
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Personally, I dont think of meeting for coffee as a date.
More to see if you would like to actually date.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #5  June 5,2010, 7:55pm
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But what do you do when, 10 minutes into that "romantic dinner" or other long date, you can tell that there is no chemistry whatsoever? This will happen often enough that I never commit to long first meets.

First meets are not about being romantic. They are about establishing that the other person is really who he/she claims to be, and a basic introduction.

I have written many times about how I prefer activity-based dates. A short run or bike ride or walk around the park, etc. Which can be followed by something sit-down if it's going well.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #6  June 5,2010, 7:55pm
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Only once did I have a first meet/date at a coffee shop or lunch place turn into anything beyond that. I much prefer meeting over a drink and appetizer in the evening.

I love to go dancing, but I don't know if I'd want the first meet/date to be at a bar and dancing. I prefer to be able to talk on the first date to get to know him better, and it's hard to do that in a loud bar with music. I think that's better saved for a later date.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #7  June 5,2010, 8:44pm
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The problem with meeting for coffee is that it gives either one an easy out of the meeting where either one can suddenly decide to end it after 5 minutes.

If you are on an actual date then cutting out on it is usually more difficult and isnt so much based on initial first impressions.
 
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melman is offline melman Post #8  June 5,2010, 8:58pm
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ami1uwant wrote :
The problem with meeting for coffee is that it gives either one an easy out of the meeting where either one can suddenly decide to end it after 5 minutes.
That's not a problem. It's a huge benefit.

First meets are one step below blind dates. You don't have grandma's recommendation or a friend who set you up. It's a total stranger, with whom you've only interacted electronically and may not be anything like who he/she has represented himself/herself to be. No way am I going to lock into a long "date" (and pay for it, but that's another issue...) with a stranger.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #9  June 5,2010, 9:25pm
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I tend to think that a "Romantic setting" doesn't do me much good on a first date unless i've known the other person long and well enough to be romantic with, candles and roses and a background violinist sets expectations which, if not met in the general ebb and flow, make the whole thing strained and uncomfortable because the romantic date isn't romantic. Trying to push it can make you come off the wrong way, maybe a little desperate in the worst case.

For "Getting to know you" meetings i prefer a clean slate so that i can actually get to know the person, test the waters without having to dive in head first and brain myself on the bottom of the pool.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #10  June 6,2010, 6:22am
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melman wrote :
But what do you do when, 10 minutes into that "romantic dinner" or other long date, you can tell that there is no chemistry whatsoever? This will happen often enough that I never commit to long first meets.

First meets are not about being romantic. They are about establishing that the other person is really who he/she claims to be, and a basic introduction.

I have written many times about how I prefer activity-based dates. A short run or bike ride or walk around the park, etc. Which can be followed by something sit-down if it's going well.
In the cases this happened, we just finished our meals, split the check and split. It was a nice evening regardless for both parties and I'm still friends with some of them and we occasionally get together for dinner still. /shrug

But to each his own. If the guy preferred a coffee meeting I would do that. I would just figure our chances of hitting it off are likely nil, bc if he isn't struck by a lightning bolt of chemistry in the first minute he's going to want to go in 5.

I think to me, there's a certain amount of respect for the other person if you're willing to sit down for a longer time than 5 minutes to decide if you want to date them.

I would add, though, I don't expect the guy to pay for my dinner, either.
 
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