Martini11 is offline Martini11 Post #1  June 3,2010, 5:35am
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I’ve been talking to a guy online for the past few weeks, maybe even a month. We have been emailing almost everyday. He called me last night for the first time and the conversation went really well. We were discussing where to meet. He lives about 25 min from me. He said he isn’t driving at the moment so he would take a cab or a train to meet me. I don’t know why but the “not driving at the moment” bothered me. I asked him what he meant by that and he said he didn’t have a car. He has a good job as a language teacher and is getting tenure at the end of the month. He takes the train 2 hours to and from work each day.

I don’t want to come off as shallow but the no car thing kinda bothers me and I don’t know if this should be a red flag. In my last relationship, my boyfriend didn’t have a car and I would do all the driving. It got to me after awhile and my ex turned out to be a liar and actually had a DUI and his license suspended. There are days where I would like to be driven somewhere. The guy I am speaking too doesn’t know yet but I have Multiple Sclerosis and there are days when I am too tried to drive, especially in the summer. Summer is the worst time of the year for me I have no physical signs of the disease so a person wouldn’t know I had MS unless I told them.

Here are my 3 questions:

Should I meet this guy or is this a red flag?
Should I talk to him about the car thing?
When should I tell him about the MS if I decide to keep talking to him?

Thanks for the feedback!
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #2  June 3,2010, 6:03am

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Meet him.

There are polite ways you can raise the car issue when you first meet. You have valid concerns and deserve answers. Let him know that you cannot assume responsibility for all of the driving.

MS You don't know him well enough to discuss personal and/or medical issues and he has no reason or right to know at this juncture. If your relationship reaches the point where you both want to make it exclusive then you can begin to engage in more personal discussions that have bearing on a long term relationship.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #3  June 3,2010, 6:05am

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Martini11 wrote :
I’ve been talking to a guy online for the past few weeks, maybe even a month. We have been emailing almost everyday. He called me last night for the first time and the conversation went really well. We were discussing where to meet. He lives about 25 min from me. He said he isn’t driving at the moment so he would take a cab or a train to meet me. I don’t know why but the “not driving at the moment” bothered me. I asked him what he meant by that and he said he didn’t have a car. He has a good job as a language teacher and is getting tenure at the end of the month. He takes the train 2 hours to and from work each day.

I don’t want to come off as shallow but the no car thing kinda bothers me and I don’t know if this should be a red flag. In my last relationship, my boyfriend didn’t have a car and I would do all the driving. It got to me after awhile and my ex turned out to be a liar and actually had a DUI and his license suspended. There are days where I would like to be driven somewhere. The guy I am speaking too doesn’t know yet but I have Multiple Sclerosis and there are days when I am too tried to drive, especially in the summer. Summer is the worst time of the year for me I have no physical signs of the disease so a person wouldn’t know I had MS unless I told them.

Here are my 3 questions:

Should I meet this guy or is this a red flag?
Should I talk to him about the car thing?
When should I tell him about the MS if I decide to keep talking to him?

Thanks for the feedback!
There are so many truly good guys - even if you don't actually recognize them - that I don't really understand why you're even giving it a second thought. Just dump the guy and move on - the most charming guys are usually just the best liars.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #4  June 3,2010, 6:09am
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hankscorpio wrote :
There are so many truly good guys - even if you don't actually recognize them - that I don't really understand why you're even giving it a second thought. Just dump the guy and move on - the most charming guys are usually just the best liars.
Yes, I agree that there are so many truly good guys... this guy may be one of them! Why dump him so early? Do you have something better to do? Someone better lined up?

If you really liked the guy, why not just meet him and see if the sparks are really there. I have found that email and even phone exchanges are completely different that meeting in person, so it might not even be a question after you meet.

Keep your eyes open and voice your concern about him not having a car. I would even smile a little out of it and make it a joke, telling him the story of your last bf who had a DUI. Heck... I've even asked to see a guy's ID without blinking, so, just go with it an have a good time. You don't have to marry the guy tomorrow... just meet him and see how you really feel.

About the MS... obviously, you are not yet comfortable. this is very personal, so only you can decide when you are comfortable enough with him, and your relationship with him to let him into such a personal side of your life.
 
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hankscorpio is offline hankscorpio Post #5  June 3,2010, 6:23am

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jussmile wrote :
Yes, I agree that there are so many truly good guys... this guy may be one of them! Why dump him so early? Do you have something better to do? Someone better lined up?
I suggest it because she says that his not driving is a big deal to her. If it is then just dump him now - even more so if he's actually a good guy - so that he can move on to someone right for him.

As for the better lined up thing, does every woman have to hop straight from one guy's bed to the next? What's wrong with just being between relationships and truly single?
 
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cricket99 is offline cricket99 Post #6  June 3,2010, 6:35am
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if it matters, ask him why he's not driving right now. you want someone truthful and if he hedges, or seems to be lying, then you will know he's not the right one for you.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  June 3,2010, 6:38am
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I have no idea where you live but since your guy takes the train to and from work every day I have to think that is somewhere that has an excellent public transit system. Therefore he may not have a car "at the moment" because he feels that he has no need to have one because he can get everywhere he needs to using public transportation.

I am going to go out on a limb here but I suspect that if he is going to get tenure soon that his not driving is not because of a DUI.

I have a policy of going out with almost anyone at least once and usually I will go out a second time. So unless you see true red flags that indicate that a match is dangerous then I would say go out with him. You can then ask about his not driving in person.

As for your MS, I think that this should be disclosed very early on. Possibly in your profile.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #8  June 3,2010, 6:41am
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I would go ahead and meet him. Things have been going well so far, and you don't know what's up with him at this point. That's a really long commute ... taking a train to work sounds like a good idea for him. Maybe he rides bikes otherwise ... and would be willing to rent a car to take you out sometimes. Who knows?

Don't assume anything about him based on a previous bf ... he's a whole new separate person.

Ask about the driving. Don't talk about the ex, no one wants to hear about someone's exes on a first date!

No need to get into personal (medical) stuff early on.

Don't assume the worst going in! Just clarify whatever you need to know. Good luck!
 
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Tranquil is offline Tranquil Post #9  June 3,2010, 7:32am

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My boyfriend lives in NYC and doesn't have a car. He has a great job and a great apartment, and he utilizes the public transportation. He flies up often to see me, and I have no problem picking him up at the airport and driving around, and when I visit him, I am more than happy to take the public transportation around the city. I drove in a cab a couple of years ago in NYC and swore never again. LOL However, he did hire a car service this past weekend to take us back and forth to the airport, and that was enough driving in a car in the NYC area for me. Give me the subway any day.

He is the first guy I have ever met who does not have a car, and if I lived in NYC, I wouldn't bother either. Too much hassle with parking, etc. If I needed a car for any reason, I would simply rent one.

Just my 2 cents.
Last edited by Tranquil; June 3,2010 at 7:36am.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  June 3,2010, 8:07am
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I think you simply need to reserve judgment and meet. If you don't like each other, then that's that. If you do like each other and want to see each other again, then you can address the issue. The reality is that for some people a car is a necessity while for others it's a waste of money. A lot depends on where you live.

As for MS - not something you need to disclose or discuss until you actually know that you want to date each other. So I would not wait months, but at least get past the first couple of dates.
 
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