Is he just not that into me?


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confusedgal is offline confusedgal Post #1  June 1,2010, 6:12pm
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I met someone on the other dating website and we met for drinks and I liked all the things we had in common and thought we hit it off fantastically. I didn't hear from him so 3 days later I shot him an email to see if he wanted to meet up for a drink. He rearranged his plans right away to hang out with me for a few hours and I was amazed at how well we clicked even more. A week later I figured I'd ask him out again and we went to dinner and drinks and during the course of it all he said he is bad at the dating thing, but better at the relationship thing. I asked if I wanted to hang out with him and his friends the next night, but I already had plans so declined. Again, another 3 days goes by and again he doesn't contact me so I emailed him. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's a bad dater, he rearranges his schedule often to meet up with me, quick to respond to my emails/texts, but with me always making the first followup, I think I need to suck it up to he's just not that into me. That's the case, isn't it?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  June 1,2010, 6:19pm
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He sounds minimally invested.

There is a very easy way to find out: stop emailing him. You'll get your answer by doing that than by asking here. I find it difficult to believe that he id "better" at relationships.
 
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derek74 is offline derek74 Post #3  June 1,2010, 6:32pm
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Yeah see I just don't understand guys when I hear stories like this. I wish I were so completely on my game that I could afford to ignore dating prospects for three days at a time. Case in point - I recently sent 1st questions to no less than 40 matches and have received ONE reply. Sounds like this guy has a much better success ratio. Anyway...enough hijacking...back to the question at hand:

I agree with Nanette. Stop making the initial effort...don't email/call/text him next time. If a guy doesn't make some effort to contact you after 3-4 days, he's not interested and you should move on to greener pastures. This just sounds to me like he's the "player" type who has nothing better to do than to string women along. But...I could be wrong. As much as it might pain you to do so, just stop contacting him for a few days and see if he makes the next move.
 
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lindseyk is offline lindseyk Post #4  June 1,2010, 6:32pm

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You could just ask him outright. It would be hard and potentially embarrassing, but it would give you the answer to your question, unless he opts to beat around the bush, which would probably give you your answer anyway.
 
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Engineer is offline Engineer Post #5  June 1,2010, 6:36pm
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Some guys are like that, they expect the girls to chase them. If you are ok with that sort of thing, it may pretty well work out. If you want to know if he is into you or not, there are other factors :

* see how he treats you when are you together
* how much attention does he pay to you
* how does he introduce you to his friends/family
* does he care about your needs, etc

People have their strengths and weaknesses, get to know him better before playing the guessing game - "he loves me, he loves me not". Keep your eyes open for other signs.

Good luck.
Last edited by Engineer; June 1,2010 at 6:39pm.
 
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penpen2 is offline penpen2 Post #6  June 1,2010, 7:08pm
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If it bothers you now, it'll bother you later on. I guess the relationships this guy has been in have been with women who do all the work for him. ... Smart guy, I need to follow this trick. :P
 
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dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #7  June 1,2010, 7:16pm
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I've been thinking about this... "He's just not into you" carp.. it really sucks that men have all the power. When a woman is being assertive and/or just going after what she wants, in this case a guy, half the time they end up calling the woman desperate, psycho, clingy, etc... But when a man does the chasing, he's interested in you. Double standard much?

Confusedgal, I'm with you. Confused. lol
Nanette has a good point. I have to agree with her.
Good luck.
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #8  June 1,2010, 7:32pm
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dazedconfuzed wrote :
I've been thinking about this... "He's just not into you" carp.. it really sucks that men have all the power. When a woman is being assertive and/or just going after what she wants, in this case a guy, half the time they end up calling the woman desperate, psycho, clingy, etc... But when a man does the chasing, he's interested in you. Double standard much?

Confusedgal, I'm with you. Confused. lol
Nanette has a good point. I have to agree with her.
Good luck.
The person who is less invested in the relationship is the one with the power. It isn't gender specific.

It always amazes me that women come in and ask questions about whether or not a man is interested in them. I would think that women, who do more of the rejecting in their life than men do, are able to see the signs when on the receiving end of a rejection.

Then again, this also illustrates the point of why men wait 2-3 days to call. I bet you anything if he was a next day caller, he would be considered clingy.
 
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dazedconfuzed is offline dazedconfuzed Post #9  June 2,2010, 3:45am
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Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
The person who is less invested in the relationship is the one with the power. It isn't gender specific.

It always amazes me that women come in and ask questions about whether or not a man is interested in them. I would think that women, who do more of the rejecting in their life than men do, are able to see the signs when on the receiving end of a rejection.

Then again, this also illustrates the point of why men wait 2-3 days to call. I bet you anything if he was a next day caller, he would be considered clingy.

And yet the book AND movie are called... "HE'S just not that into you."

And sorry, don't agree with the women doing more of the rejecting. Women are way more tolerant of things than men, especially when it comes to appearance. And the waiting to call... in my opinion, games. If you like someone, do something about it. That 3 day rule goes back to ridiculous "dating rules". Someone show me where these rules are written down and agreed upon by a committee or association or a board of directors.

The last guy I was truly interested in texted me the same night and called me the next day. I never once thought he was clingy.


As for women coming in here and asking certain questions, I think it's 50/50 regarding who does the asking. Men and women equally.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #10  June 2,2010, 7:32am
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Hi confusedgal and welcome to EHA!

I'm not sure what that means: "I'm bad at dating but good at relationships." ?? Dating is the start of a relationship, not some completely separate activity!

I agree, if you don't want to be the initiator all the time, you have to back off and make space for him to initiate. If he doesn't, then either he's not into you, or he wants you to do all the initiating.
 
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