mixed messages from a guy - help?


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datinggirl01 is offline datinggirl01 Post #1  June 1,2010, 12:01pm
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I’m 41. I met a guy my age online. We're both just seven months out of marriages. We’ve shared a lot and we’ve been on six dates over the past two weeks. We progressed to the intimacy point after a few dates. We just spent 48 hours straight together over the holiday weekend and left on very good, romantic terms this morning.

He does all the right things - he contacts me regularly when we're not together, he is affectionate, warm and tender when we are together, he talks about future plans and has invited me to meet his best friend and asked if he could be my date for my high school reunion in two months - but yet he still has his profile available on a dating website and he doesn’t say that we’re exclusive.

I didn't ask him about being exclusive before we slept together the first time, because he told me in an early email that he wasn't a person who dated multiple women at once

However, while I can handle if he’s dating others, or wants to date others, and I’m doing the same, it doesn’t feel like that’s really what he wants, and I’ve already told him I’m not dating others, so it would feel like I was being dishonest if I started seeing other guys. But, if he is, then I think I should be to protect my own heart from getting in too deep. Not sure if I should put my own profile back up online. I had removed it, and he really liked that I did that.

Please help me decipher what he says/does and what it means.

[COLOR=black]I am getting two different messages from him. On our first date, he asked me if I was open to date him and whether I was involved with anyone else. I was no, and he said he was available, too. Then after we had sex the second time, he asked me if he had any competition because he wanted to date me for a long time. I said no. I asked him the same. He said no, not really, that there was a woman emailing him that he'd dated a month ago, but that he wasn't into her. And that if somehow he did find someone he was interested in, he'd let me know before dating them. But the “not really” got to me. It was NOT a definitive no. I know the difference!
Last edited by datinggirl01; June 1,2010 at 3:57pm.
 
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Lookingandlooking is offline Lookingandlooking Post #2  June 1,2010, 12:12pm
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Why hold off for a month? If this is bothering you - bring it up now.

Or, you can let it nag at you for a month.

He's pretty much asking if you are being exclusive- you have the right to know if he's being exclusive. If he's not - then you have to decide if you want to keep dating.

But, you can't just "wait" and "hope" that he'll do what you want - you need to talk to him.
 
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reenz is offline reenz Post #3  June 1,2010, 12:24pm
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Based on what you've written here, I'm not getting a good vibe. It seems like he gets to be the one asking you about your exclusivity to him, but by telling you his story of the past women, he is indirectly telling you not to ask him about his exclusivity to you. It seems like double-standards here, and he is getting the power and upper-hand here while you wait to see what he decides for the both of you. I don't like these dynamics at all. I'd definitely pull back from him, stop having sex, though still be nice and polite. I would also stop telling him that you are only seeing him, and keep your options open as well. Something seems off here.

Maybe it might just be best to tell him that you noticed his profile, and wanted to ask him if he thinks it would be better for both of you to step back from what you have and both be open to seeing other people. Although you can't stop him from seeing other people (as it's perfectly his choice), at least you can stop giving up your power to him by limiting yourself when he isn't limiting himself. This way both of you have the option to date others if you wish. I wouldn't recreate a profile without talking to him about it, as that may be seen as passive-aggressive, but rather I would first let him know before you create the profile.
Last edited by reenz; June 1,2010 at 12:30pm. Reason: added a suggestion
 
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Engineer is offline Engineer Post #4  June 1,2010, 12:34pm
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I cannot offer direct advice to your situation, but during difficult times in the relationship, I believe that communication is the key. This situation sounds like the time you have to bring the issue out in the open and talk it over. You are both adults, you are both mature so I am sure you can sit down together and discuss it. It is an important issue to you, therefore it needs to be discussed. It may also set a standard for dealing with any other problems that arise in the future.

Good luck, and hope it helps.
 
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dhoffman1421 is offline dhoffman1421 Post #5  June 1,2010, 12:35pm
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Agree with the posters above. Seems like odd behavior to me too. I would not wait to bring it up, it bothers you obviously and I think rightly so.

Good luck!
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  June 1,2010, 12:51pm
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I agree with reenz. He seems to want it all from you without giving anything of himself. Well, in the exclusivity department.

I might bring it up to him the next time he asks you anything along those lines. Maybe ask him why he is so insistent that you be exclusive to him but everything he is telling you says he doesn't plan on being exclusive to you any time soon.
 
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nophotos is offline nophotos Post #7  June 1,2010, 1:07pm
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I've always figured if I'm ok to engage in sex with someone, I'm more than ok to have a conversation with them.

We discussed it. It all depends on what I do with the information I receive.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #8  June 1,2010, 1:44pm
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Just because his profile is still online doesn't mean anything. My resume is probably still online from years ago, but I'm not looking for a job.

I'm surprised that no one brought up the fact that it's only been 2 weeks and you expect him to act like it's been 6 months.
 
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reenz is offline reenz Post #9  June 1,2010, 2:00pm
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mrflyer wrote :
I'm surprised that no one brought up the fact that it's only been 2 weeks and you expect him to act like it's been 6 months.
That's actually a good point that I missed previously... I didn't realize it was only 2 weeks that they knew each other. But in that case, I think that is all the more reason why she shouldn't take down her online profiles, and she should be too quick to decide this is the guy for her. In that case, I think it would be fine for both of them to leave up their profiles until they MUTUALLY decide that pursuing a relationship is right for them. But that still doesn't take away from my earlier point that it is wrong for him to impose a standard on her that he isn't willing to live up to himself (in terms of wanting exclusivity from her, but not offering her the same).
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  June 1,2010, 2:28pm
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One possibility is that he finds some shortcoming in you, and wishes to get a better partner at some point.

In fact, that is one of the problems of "exclusivity" - that someone can truthfully say that they are, even when they don't wish it to be with their current partner.

I think most online dating profiles are abandoned, rather than deleted, so I would not obsess over that.

This is a tough matter to resolve: if he is going to let things progress with you, it doesn't matter that there's still a profile; if he is intent on finding another partner, or multiple partners, it still doen't matter the minor technical issues of how.

Another way to look at it, is that a rational-thinking man wants to get the value for something he paid for. So, he might use his profile to the end of the membership period, then switch it off.

***

He also might have been waiting for confidence that you were exclusive.

Though I see some posts criticizing him for expecting it first from you, this is in fact consistent with any other matter of equitability in dating: folks who believe men should "chase" and "court" have to understand that fidelity is a serious obligation of the women.

This is a question with no guarantees - even in marriage - and that's best remembered.
 
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