How to make a great introductory email?


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NJGeek81 is offline NJGeek81 Post #1  June 1,2010, 11:31am
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Whether it's the odd occasion where I'd go straight to OC here or writing a first email to a match on another medium, I've always been a little underwhelmed at my introductory emails. The real sitcking point is how to close the email without seeming presumptuous. Here's an example of the basic "template" that I use before personalizing it to each match's specific profile:

Hi there! My name's Chris. I'm 28, I live in Farmingdale, and work in Edison as a network administrator. I'm also looking for somebody with a great personality, a nice attitude, and some shared interests. I see that we're both down to earth people with a tendency to be comedians, which is a great plus. You seem like a very interesting person and I'd like to get to know you a little better. If you're interested, write me back sometime and we can talk some more. I look forward to hearing from you!

___

Sometimes I go into more detail when I see shared interests, but that's the general idea. Is that generally what's expected for an email of this nature?
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #2  June 1,2010, 12:06pm
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This sounds too impersonal for my tastes, but maybe the individually tailored versions read better.

Could you post an example of one of those? (Doesn't have to be one you've actually used.)
 
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derek74 is offline derek74 Post #3  June 1,2010, 12:08pm
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No offense man, but your introductory email reminds me of the scene from the movie The Breakfast Club where Bender is making fun of Brian's lunch. "All the four food groups are represented...you got your peanut butter & jelly sandwich with the crusts cut off..." Its good...its polite, its to the point and it is "nice"...but its dry white toast man. It needs a facelift.

Try to "relax" a little...if that makes any sense. Instead of making reference to being "comedians" you might drop a little joke of your own. I usually put some kind of funny-ha-ha in my introductory emails - nothing too extreme - just enough to illustrate my sense of humor rather than simply saying "I'm a funny guy" or whatever. If she likes comedy movies, I might drop in a line from Howard Stern's "Private Parts" or "Good Morning Vietnam" or something...just, you know, some light comedy, Frenchie, honk, honk nyuk nyuk. (Yes...I am a huge nerd.) Self deprecating jokes usually work for me too. Don't make fun of your own anatomy or anything...but you know...drop in something that highlights the fact that you're not uptight and can laugh at yourself and the world or whatever.

As a fellow information technology professional, I know this might not be your strong suit...but I'm thinking you'll get a lot more attention from the ladies if you take a few risks with your intro. Show her that you're interesting and sweep her off her feet a little. Don't go over the top with it...but spice it up just a little bit. Ho-hum boring going-through-the-motions messages won't get you much attention over the other 75 guys trying to talk to her.
Last edited by derek74; June 1,2010 at 12:18pm. Reason: totally the wrong movie..heh.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #4  June 1,2010, 12:19pm
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I'm going to agree w/ Derek...it does sound like dry, white toast, and perhaps no butter even...
Sounds a little "form letter-ish" to me...I just don't think a woman is going to read that and say, "Hey...he sounds interesting!.."

Also I would never put "if you're interested...." in there...
Be more assertive..

It kind of sounds like you are asking permission to speak.
 
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NJGeek81 is offline NJGeek81 Post #5  June 1,2010, 12:28pm
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You see I know I sucked at this ) Here's another example I wrote to someone who was into food and photography:

Hello there! I just finished reading your profile and I must say it was one of those rare few that gave me a smile from ear to ear. Let me introduce myself, my name's Chris and I live in Farmingdale. I, too, am a bit of a foodie and enjoy cooking when I can. It sure would be interesting to meet a fellow food enthusiast to share those simple joys in life with. If you happen to be an Alton Brown or Anthony Bourdain fan to boot, we would get along perfectly. ) Apart from that we seem to share quite a few interests. I just got into bike riding, have always loved to travel, and have fallen into the money pit hobby of photography (I'm sure you can relate with that assessment if you have a DSLR).

I guess I'm really looking for somebody kind and fun to enjoy life with. I'm a bit of a down to earth person myself who enjoys a spending a quiet night in with somebody special as much as, if not more than, a night on the town. You seem like a really great person, so if you're interested write me back sometime so we can get to know each other a little better. I look forward to hearing from you!

___


The thing was I was trying not to ramble, thinking the point was to say hi and have the person I was writing to have a look at my (non eH) profile, which is quite elaborate and detailed. Then again I haven't received very many replies so I admit this is my weak point. eHarmony is a little better that way because it allows one to break the ice without worrying about odd formalities at first.
 
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NJGeek81 is offline NJGeek81 Post #6  June 1,2010, 12:33pm
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TheThinker wrote :

Also I would never put "if you're interested...." in there...
Be more assertive..

It kind of sounds like you are asking permission to speak.
I know, I never liked that much. The thing is I don't know how to best close out an intro email like this. I can't very well say "I like you, email me back so I can get to know you!" (or can I?) I didn't want to make it sound like I was issuing a command or something.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #7  June 1,2010, 12:48pm
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NJGeek81 wrote :
You see I know I sucked at this ) Here's another example I wrote to someone who was into food and photography:

Hello there! I just finished reading your profile and I must say it was one of those rare few that gave me a smile from ear to ear. Let me introduce myself, my name's Chris and I live in Farmingdale. I, too, am a bit of a foodie and enjoy cooking when I can. It sure would be interesting to meet a fellow food enthusiast to share those simple joys in life with. If you happen to be an Alton Brown or Anthony Bourdain fan to boot, we would get along perfectly. ) Apart from that we seem to share quite a few interests. I just got into bike riding, have always loved to travel, and have fallen into the money pit hobby of photography (I'm sure you can relate with that assessment if you have a DSLR).

I guess I'm really looking for somebody kind and fun to enjoy life with. I'm a bit of a down to earth person myself who enjoys a spending a quiet night in with somebody special as much as, if not more than, a night on the town. You seem like a really great person, so if you're interested write me back sometime so we can get to know each other a little better. I look forward to hearing from you!

___


The thing was I was trying not to ramble, thinking the point was to say hi and have the person I was writing to have a look at my (non eH) profile, which is quite elaborate and detailed. Then again I haven't received very many replies so I admit this is my weak point. eHarmony is a little better that way because it allows one to break the ice without worrying about odd formalities at first.
It's better, but I think you're presuming a lot in that example...
I'm not going to re-write it but, I changed a little here...and that last part(before the closing) that I italicized, I'm not so sure you really need in an introductory email..(it could almost be saved for a later email, or, even a phone call, or in person, I think..)

Hi (insert her name!!!)
I just finished reading your profile and I have to tell you, it was one of those rare few that gave me a smile from ear to ear!
My name's Chris and I live in Farmingdale.

I see you enjoy cooking? I, too, am a bit of a foodie and enjoy cooking when I can.
(If you happen to be an Alton Brown or Anthony Bourdain fan to boot, we would get along great!!)
Some of my favorite things to make are_______ and ________
So, what are your favorites??

Aside from cooking, we seem to share quite a few other interests, as well...
As for me, I just got into bike riding, have always loved to travel, and have fallen into the "money pit" hobby of photography (I'm sure you can relate with that assessment if you have a DSLR).


I guess I'm really looking for somebody kind and fun to enjoy life with. I'm a down to earth person myself who enjoys a spending a quiet night in with somebody special as much as, if not more than, a night on the town.

I look forward to hearing from you!
-Chris
Last edited by TheThinker; June 1,2010 at 1:03pm.
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #8  June 1,2010, 1:01pm
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Still comes across as too heavy, too formal, too much you! Keep first e-mails short and sweet and I agree with Derek74's comments (who incidentally looks nothing like anyone from Nickelback).

Start by reading the ladies profile and look for clues. What interests you? what excites you? what do you have in common?, what makes you go "wow!"?

, if a film or book, make a humorous/charming/romantic allusion to that film/book.

get the idea?

With one girl who I dated briefly, she described herself as "Cinderella" on her profile. in my first e-mail I made some corny mention of " being her Prince charming, here to sweep her off her feet" and that worked. get the idea??

With another, we quoted Led zeppelin lyrics at each other, yet another I offered guitar lessons.

I don't claim to be a stud but I have had some success.
 
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derek74 is offline derek74 Post #9  June 1,2010, 1:08pm
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Ok I'll give you my 2 cents worth of free editing:

wrote :
Hello there! I just finished reading your profile and I must say it was one of those rare few that gave me a smile from ear to ear.
wrote :
I, too, am a bit of a foodie and enjoy cooking when I can. It sure would be interesting to meet a fellow food enthusiast to share those simple joys in life with.
Suggestion: You might consider saying "Hi" instead of "Hello." Its more casual. Address her by her first name. She's a real person. It immediately introduces a level of familiarity, and shows that you bothered to learn her name instead of just ogling her physical dimensions in her profile pictures. The "smile from ear to ear" part sounds a bit forced to me. You might try something like "I like your profile a lot - it shines above the others like a USDA Prime filet mignon in a sea of overcooked Waffle House sirloins." OK that was bad...but you see where I'm going with it. Pick a foodie analogy and run with it. Tell her about the poached eggs with buerre blanc sauce you made your mom for Mother's Day breakfast...or whatever. Then go into your bit about Alton Brown/Anthony Bourdain.

wrote :
Let me introduce myself, my name's Chris and I live in Farmingdale.
Delete this. Your name and hometown are (presumably) prominently displayed in your profile. Its just filler and makes you sound "uncomfortable."

wrote :
Apart from that we seem to share quite a few interests. I just got into bike riding, have always loved to travel, and have fallen into the money pit hobby of photography (I'm sure you can relate with that assessment if you have a DSLR).
This is good. It sounds like you talking...a living, breathing human being with unique tastes & interests. You could even take the photography subject a little further if you wanted. Don't ramble on for days, but you could tell her about your favorite photo or something. Better yet - give her a web link to some of your photos.

wrote :
I guess I'm really looking for somebody kind and fun to enjoy life with. I'm a bit of a down to earth person myself who enjoys a spending a quiet night in with somebody special as much as, if not more than, a night on the town. You seem like a really great person, so if you're interested write me back sometime so we can get to know each other a little better. I look forward to hearing from you!
Too much too fast in my opinion...and it sounds like the same kind of tripe I see in 95% of profiles I've browsed on EH. Everybody wants someone kind and fun to enjoy life with. Its almost cliched language. Focus on what makes YOU different. This is an elevator speech. You've got about 30 seconds to make a first impression outside the confines of the usual EH icebreaker questions. Do it with your food and photography angles and then get out of dodge. Close off the message in a relaxed but interested fashion. Try something like this: "You seem like a pretty cool person. I'd like to find out more. Hit me back with an eHarmony mail or you can also reach me at (insert your personal email address). Talk to you soon! - Chris"

Anyway, you might totally disagree with me. Feel free to take this with a grain of salt. The point is to relax, be yourself (I know, I know...I hear that advice all the time too) and treat her like a person rather than some nameless faceless thing that you're expecting to reject you out of the gate. Don't ask permission to talk to her. Be a man. Make an impression. Leave her with just a hint of what a cool guy you are and make her WANT to learn more.

My 2 cents.
 
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NJGeek81 is offline NJGeek81 Post #10  June 1,2010, 1:08pm
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TheThinker wrote :
It's better, but I think you're presuming a lot in that example...
I'm not going to re-write it but, I changed a little here...and that last part(before the closing) that I italicized, I'm not so sure you really need in an introductory email..(it could almost be saved for a later email, or, even a phone call, or in person, I think..)

Hi (insert her name!!!)
I just finished reading your profile and I have to tell you, it was one of those rare few that gave me a smile from ear to ear!
My name's Chris and I live in Farmingdale.

I see you enjoy cooking? I, too, am a bit of a foodie and enjoy cooking when I can.
(If you happen to be an Alton Brown or Anthony Bourdain fan to boot, we would get along great!!)
Some of my favorite things to make are_______ and ________
So, what are your favorites??

Aside from cooking, we seem to share quite a few other interests, as well...
As for me, I just got into bike riding, have always loved to travel, and have fallen into the "money pit" hobby of photography (I'm sure you can relate with that assessment if you have a DSLR).


I guess I'm really looking for somebody kind and fun to enjoy life with. I'm a down to earth person myself who enjoys a spending a quiet night in with somebody special as much as, if not more than, a night on the town.

I look forward to hearing from you!
-Chris
I wouldn't have guessed that the recommendation is that I make them shorter! So you're saying a email that says "Hi, my name's Chris", lists two or three things I noticed and asks for some playful response (such as the "My favorite [x] is [y]. What's yours?"), and ending with an abrupt "I look forward to hearing from you!"? That's all that's expected as a closer? Interesting.
 
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