insecurity versus intuition... can't tell the difference.


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reenz is offline reenz Post #1  May 31,2010, 2:31pm
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I struggle in my interaction with men who are blunt, straight-forward, and tell it like it is. I'd prefer a guy who is gentle and nurturing and is more flexible to gender roles (while at the same time still being masculine). I don't know where this feeling comes from... if it is coming out of a place of my own insecurities, or from a gut feeling that I should be listening to. If it is coming due to insecurity, then I think I need to address it and work to change myself. But if it is coming from intuition, then I want to heed my inner voice.

For example, I have 2 matches I'm communicating with right now. One is the more traditional, ambitious, confident, alpha male type with rugged good model looks (angled jaw, piercing eyes, etc). The other seems more of a sweetie, being more humble, possibly 10-15 pounds overweight (though still very healthy and masculine), and is handsome in a cute boyish way (as opposed to the striking model-type looks of the first guy).

Although both men seem like wonderful people, I feel more confident and at ease with the second guy - like he could possibly be someone I could grow as a person with. I feel more insecure with the first guy, as those are the guys who have rejected me far more in the past and been more insensitive to my feelings... they've expected a whole lot more out of me, as typically they've been with a whole lot more women as well.

I used to be extremely overweight in the past, and was quite insecure about it for anyone who remembers me from previously. I am still overweight (by at least 40+ pounds), but have lost a good amount. I recently sent a question to the first guy, as I assumed he had not seen my pictures due to the Free Communication Weekend. Since I assumed he hadn't seen my pictures, I told him my height and weight and asked him what physical attraction meant to him. (I realize that many people would think that such a question reeks of insecurity, but for me I'm tired of spending time with people who would just close me out anyway due to weight. So I'd rather bring it up early rather than waste either of our times.) He sent me a short reply back stating "I have seen your pictures and think you are attractive. I think that's all that needs to be said to answer your question." Maybe it's just me, but I didn't find that short response to be particularly warm or supportive. He didn't say anything wrong, just was straightforward without being gentle. However, I had this reactive feeling of wanting to close the match for some reason after that response.

Is it just me who has the issue here? Do I sound like someone who is too sensitive to be dating? I've gone through a lot of heartache in the past, so I'd really like to meet a gentle loving person at this point of my life. But I don't know if I'm being too quick to push people away.

I would be very appreciative if anyone has any perspective to offer me. Although I've dated a number of men, I've never had a true relationship in my life... so I still have a lot to learn here.
Last edited by reenz; May 31,2010 at 2:47pm.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  May 31,2010, 2:34pm
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At this point, if there are no obvious problems, I think you should meet both of these people, and not worry too much over it.

Some time together is worth a lot.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #3  May 31,2010, 2:48pm
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I like his answer. It's polite, to the point, and doesn't go into a lot of nonsense nitpicking about your weight/size.

I think you have to be confident...with who you are now and with who you are attracted to. If you like the less agressive, less blunt men - there's nothing wrong with that. If you're just defaulting to them because they don't challenge you (in a good way) that might be problematic.

I would never have asked the question - although I understand why you did. In the end, I think you should get to a point where you don't need that reassurance - and then choose based on who you're really attracted to. But, I really like the response he gave.

Like D says - meet them both. Date the one you feel most comfortable with.
 
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chemgal is offline chemgal Post #4  May 31,2010, 2:53pm
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I agree with LBMM. No guy wants to spend his whole life telling a girl that she isn't fat. At the same time, he "got" what you were asking and confirmed that he found you attractive.
 
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newbie40something is offline newbie40something Post #5  May 31,2010, 3:01pm
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I liked his answer too. If he was too descriptive, that may have offended you even more. I think someone can find all different kinds of people attractive.

I think that since he said he actually saw your photos and that he finds you attractive was a very nice thing to say. Apparently, he is drawn to you as a match, since he has seen your profile, your photo and has still communicated. Even, after your question.

Good luck!
 
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howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #6  May 31,2010, 3:05pm
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You know, it may take a LOT of first dates to stop having first dates. Dating is, unfortunately, pretty much a numbers game. I would not eliminate first dates unless there was something screaming out at you saying, "don't go out with him". Otherwise, nothing ventured nothing gained...
 
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annother is offline annother Post #7  May 31,2010, 4:09pm
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I think his response was delightful! Feel good about it. Why would you want to expand on something that's just right the way it is?

He is saying that it is not an issue. Don't make it one.
 
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landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #8  May 31,2010, 4:28pm
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Would you have felt better if guy #1 would've said, Gee, you don't look that big? I mean what exactly would've sounded "gentle". I like his response. It was appropriate, it sounds as if he is willing to meet you. So yes, in answer to your question, I think you are being a bit overly sensitive. Realize this is your issue not his. He made his point known, now it is up to you if you want to find out what exactly he is made of. Who says model type guys can't like the big girls? He complimented you, enjoy it.
 
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newbie40something is offline newbie40something Post #9  May 31,2010, 5:19pm
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Can you keep us updated?
 
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juliamarie is offline juliamarie Post #10  May 31,2010, 5:24pm
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newbie40something wrote :
Can you keep us updated?
Please do!
 
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