dreamspiral is offline dreamspiral Post #1  May 31,2010, 1:43pm
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I typically hear this from women giving advice to men. When I meet someone new that I am NOT interested in dating I don't feel stressed talking to them. However, when I meet a girl that I am interested in... I feel a rush of anxiety that is somewhat paralyzing!!! The anxiety seems to have a mind of it's own... it takes hold of me... no matter how much I try to consciously push it away. Does "Just be yourself" advice mean to treat a girl I'm interested in the same as someone I'm not interested dating? How should I interpret "Just be yourself" to benefit from this advice? How do I get the anxiety under control??? How do I "Just be myself" when around a girl that I am interested in dating? I feel like a deer caught in headlights. I seem to experience sensory overload. Do women experience sensory overload as well or is it just a problem more common for men?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  May 31,2010, 1:49pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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dreamspiral wrote :
I typically hear this from women giving advice to men.
What I think this advice coming from women usually means is that they want to know what you're like when you're not trying to impress them (or when you're feeling tremendous anxiety, for that matter). If they have a chance to see what you're like on your normal behavior then they can better decide whether to dismiss you or not.

A problem for you is....if you're a man who is highly anxious around them they may very well figure you aren't a guy they want. They want the kind of man that they are very anxious around....not vice versa.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #3  May 31,2010, 1:59pm
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"Just be yourself" is what people say when they don't have any useful advice to offer.

It's about as helpful as "Drive safely"- good thing you told me, or I would have driven recklessly.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #4  May 31,2010, 2:21pm
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You want to be the best you possible. That is still "being yourself", just not a nervous, anxious, boring, dull or something else negative self.

If you truly have anxiety problems being around women you like you may need to take some relaxations steps. I'm not sure what those would be, I've never had issues with anxiety in situations. Maybe someone else will have some ideas.
 
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landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #5  May 31,2010, 4:38pm
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dreamspiral wrote :
I typically hear this from women giving advice to men. When I meet someone new that I am NOT interested in dating I don't feel stressed talking to them. However, when I meet a girl that I am interested in... I feel a rush of anxiety that is somewhat paralyzing!!! The anxiety seems to have a mind of it's own... it takes hold of me... no matter how much I try to consciously push it away. Does "Just be yourself" advice mean to treat a girl I'm interested in the same as someone I'm not interested dating? How should I interpret "Just be yourself" to benefit from this advice? How do I get the anxiety under control??? How do I "Just be myself" when around a girl that I am interested in dating? I feel like a deer caught in headlights. I seem to experience sensory overload. Do women experience sensory overload as well or is it just a problem more common for men?
I get the sensory overload too, but I usually use it to stand back and observe them because if I get near them I want to touch them and be amusing. That may not be a bad thing, but usually guys think I just want to be friends because I am so darned entertaining.
 
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howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #6  May 31,2010, 5:09pm
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Have a drink first to steady your nerves... then a second, then you will be pretty relaxed and may say something funny, or stupid. But, the tension will be gone because you are overloaded on something other than nerves.

Drive safely...
 
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juliamarie is offline juliamarie Post #7  May 31,2010, 5:15pm
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dreamspiral wrote :
I typically hear this from women giving advice to men. When I meet someone new that I am NOT interested in dating I don't feel stressed talking to them. However, when I meet a girl that I am interested in... I feel a rush of anxiety that is somewhat paralyzing!!! The anxiety seems to have a mind of it's own... it takes hold of me... no matter how much I try to consciously push it away. Does "Just be yourself" advice mean to treat a girl I'm interested in the same as someone I'm not interested dating? How should I interpret "Just be yourself" to benefit from this advice? How do I get the anxiety under control??? How do I "Just be myself" when around a girl that I am interested in dating? I feel like a deer caught in headlights. I seem to experience sensory overload. Do women experience sensory overload as well or is it just a problem more common for men?

I don't know how to answer your question because I have the same difficulty.
 
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dreamspiral is offline dreamspiral Post #8  June 1,2010, 4:10pm
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Hey Jayjay,

jayjay wrote :
What I think this advice coming from women usually means is that they want to know what you're like when you're not trying to impress them (or when you're feeling tremendous anxiety, for that matter). If they have a chance to see what you're like on your normal behavior then they can better decide whether to dismiss you or not.
That makes sense. However, in the first few moments... when it counts... is where I have difficulty.

jayjay wrote :
A problem for you is....if you're a man who is highly anxious around them they may very well figure you aren't a guy they want. They want the kind of man that they are very anxious around....not vice versa.
In other word; Being nervous and anxious is a real turn off. Somehow, i'll have to figure out how to get a grip. Thanks.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  June 1,2010, 4:17pm
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landstar59 wrote :
I get the sensory overload too, but I usually use it to stand back and observe them because if I get near them I want to touch them and be amusing. That may not be a bad thing, but usually guys think I just want to be friends because I am so darned entertaining.
omg this is what i do too! if i am attracted to a guy i usually want to touch him. for me i also laugh a lot and get silly (and keep my fingers crossed that he will too)
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #10  June 1,2010, 5:39pm
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dreamspiral wrote :
I typically hear this from women giving advice to men. When I meet someone new that I am NOT interested in dating I don't feel stressed talking to them. However, when I meet a girl that I am interested in... I feel a rush of anxiety that is somewhat paralyzing!!! The anxiety seems to have a mind of it's own... it takes hold of me... no matter how much I try to consciously push it away. Does "Just be yourself" advice mean to treat a girl I'm interested in the same as someone I'm not interested dating? How should I interpret "Just be yourself" to benefit from this advice? How do I get the anxiety under control??? How do I "Just be myself" when around a girl that I am interested in dating? I feel like a deer caught in headlights. I seem to experience sensory overload. Do women experience sensory overload as well or is it just a problem more common for men?
I agree the just be yourself advice is not too helpful. I think what they really mean is for it to somehow relax you. As in you're OK so just be yourself and everything will be well.

However I'm not too sure it's helpful in overcoming anxiety talking to someone you really like and want to like you back.

What I would suggest doing is make it a practice to smile and say hello to everyone you meet of every gender so that this become so second nature to you, it's not something you overthink. That way you're going to start out fairly natural the first time you greet someone, even if you really like them.

Also I find it helps to really focus on making the other person comfortable. When that's your focus, you don't have time to worry about yourself and how you appear, and you usually make a better impression.

Does your anxiety stem from a little bit of insecurity about yourself? That might be a second thing to address if so ... lots of self-help out there for that.

Greg75 had an intriguing idea in the About You section ... he's been modeling behavior of some star or other he admires to sort of learn to adopt the same behavior, I think his goal was to act more confidently.

Good luck, dream spiral.
Last edited by nightling; June 1,2010 at 5:43pm.
 
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