First Impressions: Do they matter in the long run?


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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #1  May 31,2010, 9:22am
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Have you ever dated anyone who created a less than favorable first impression with you?

Maybe they came across as arrogant but turned out to be simply confident, or they came across as dull but turned out to be shy.

I've dated a number of men who didn't create the best first impression but turned out to be really great guys, two of whom went on to become long-term relationships.

On the other hand, I've gotten to know a few who were great at first impressions but not so great in the long run.

How much do first impressions impress you? Do you base your dating decisions solely on first impressions or are you willing to dig a bit deeper before ruling someone out?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  May 31,2010, 9:30am
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I believe that you have answered your own question with your examples.

Sadly most people (at least all the girls I have dated) use the 15 second rule and have no interest in actually getting to know the person if there were no instant sparks (a great first impression).
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  May 31,2010, 9:38am
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I have had plently of bad first impressions.

I know better than to be so unwise (which is one of the reasons I favor longer meetings.)

When the impression is a matter of inferance or assumption ("they are late, so they must be lazy and disrespectful"), those are, in my experience, usually wrong.

When it is quantitative (I am not attracted, we have no common goals), then I have found it is best to just wish them luck and not try to force a bad fit.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  May 31,2010, 9:43am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I believe that you have answered your own question with your examples.

Sadly most people (at least all the girls I have dated) use the 15 second rule and have no interest in actually getting to know the person if there were no instant sparks (a great first impression).
Well, I already know what I think. I am mostly interested in hearing other people's stories.

As you probably know, I am not a big fan of instant sparts. I'm curious, though. Have you ever met someone who didn't make a great first impression that you continued to get to know?
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #5  May 31,2010, 9:47am
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D_Lion wrote :
I have had plently of bad first impressions.

I know better than to be so unwise (which is one of the reasons I favor longer meetings.)

When the impression is a matter of inferance or assumption ("they are late, so they must be lazy and disrespectful"), those are, in my experience, usually wrong.

When it is quantitative (I am not attracted, we have no common goals), then I have found it is best to just wish them luck and not try to force a bad fit.
I'm in complete agreement with the bolded part.

In reference to your quantitative assessments - what kind of first impression would a woman make that you would move immediately to not attracted? I get the goals thing completely...when I meet someone who wants a completely different lifestyle than I can imagine being happy in, or who seems to not have similar long-range goals (or any).
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #6  May 31,2010, 10:06am
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I have never maintained a relationship with someone with whom the first date did not go well. That's my experience, may not be the same for others. I've heard testimonials from couples in which they say the first date was awful, and that they were tempted to walk away.

Curiously enough, I have had situations where I have dated women with whom my first encounter with them was not a date, and it did not go well. My first true love, upon greeting me at a hall party (she was dating someone else at the time), mocked my handshake. I'm 6'2, and wanted to take it easy on her because she was 4'11. She said it in jest, but I did get some good-natured ribbing from by friends.

One other woman I dated in college came from a sheltered, prejudiced community (I am black, she was white). She had a nice TV in her room and I joked that I would steal it. We began dating about three weeks later. In talking about that first encounter, she said I thought she was being serious about stealing the TV, and that her parents (who were there with her when I made the comment) instructed her never to talk to me.

Lol.

To address the question directly, I do believe first impressions are important although you sometimes may discover undesirable traits about that potential partner down the line. As percentages go, most often good impressions say a lot about that person.
Last edited by tbesq; May 31,2010 at 10:09am.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #7  May 31,2010, 10:36am
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A lot is said about "trusting your gut reaction" when dating, but I have found my gut to be a bad judge of character sometimes.

When I first started dating, if I wasn't attracted to the man fairly quickly, that would be the end of it. Since then I discovered that if I wait a while (two or three dates) I learn more. Sometimes the man becomes a lot more interesting and attractive over time.
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #8  May 31,2010, 11:08am
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tbesq wrote :
As percentages go, most often good impressions say a lot about that person.
I once met a man who was clearly very intelligent and an interesting mix of nice and soft-spoken yet confident. I found him intriguing for most of our first date, until he began to seem almost arrogant and self-serving. Things didn't progress much further.

Six months later we ran into each other, and once again I noticed his intelligence and charm, which he blended well in a witty, insightful sort of way. I wondered if I had been too harsh in judging him so quickly during that first encounter six months prior. I thought maybe I had been wrong about his arrogance.

We ended up dating for 5-6 months. In the end, I realized he used his amazing intelligence to manipulate people, and when he thought he was "right," he became angry almost to the point of violence. Looking back, I think he may have had a personality disorder.

I agree with tbesq, and I think it goes for negative 1st impressions as well.
Last edited by lacedwithhope; May 31,2010 at 2:20pm. Reason: (he told me his last gf locked him out of his own house!)
 
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slaw is offline slaw Post #9  May 31,2010, 11:34am
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :

In reference to your quantitative assessments - what kind of first impression would a woman make that you would move immediately to not attracted?
As a strict first impression (first 10-30 seconds or so) it would be someone who has extremely negative body language (slouching, shifty, mumbly, grumpy, dour, etc.). I suspect this is universal.

Over the course of a first date, a woman who comes across as desperate to please or constantly seeking approval. Unattractive. On the other extreme, a woman who is intent on showing that she is better than me (one-upping stories constantly, belittling my comments). Sorry, I would certainly hire you as my lawyer but I don't want an alpha male for a wife.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #10  May 31,2010, 12:37pm
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lacedwithhope wrote :
I once met a man who was clearly very intelligent and an interesting mix of nice and soft-spoken yet confident. I found him intriguing for most of our first date, until he began to seem almost arrogant and self-serving. Things didn't progress much further.

Six months later we ran into each other, and once again I noticed his intelligence and charm, which he blended well in a witty, insightful sort of way. I wondered if I had been too harsh in judging him so quickly during that first encounter six months prior. I thought maybe I had been wrong about his arrogance.

We ended up dating for 5-6 months. In the end, I realized he used his amazing intelligence to manipulate people, and when he thought he was "right," he became angry almost to the point of violence. Looking back, I think he may have had a personality disorder.

I agree with tbesq.
I'm sorry you had that experience. The key word in that sentence you removed from the rest of my post was "most."
 
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