No spark... no nothing...


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RedJess is offline RedJess Post #1  May 29,2010, 9:25pm
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Hi,

I'm gonna bear a bit of my soul here So I'm 20, never had a date, never kissed a guy, never had sex, never had anything. Then again I was never really looking, I assumed someone would show interest in me first.

So now, someone showed interest. We went on one date and it was lovely... a little awkward and we're going on another on Sunday. However, I feel nothing romantic for him. I mean he has some serious friend potential, but I don't know about romance. I want to give him a second chance (hence the second date), but he keeps mentioning odd things like marriage (yikes!). He fawns over me like a puppy dog...

Should I say "no thanks" and be on my way? I mean... it's nice to be wanted after so long...

HELP! I am conflicted.
 
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TinkerKat is offline TinkerKat Post #2  May 29,2010, 9:41pm
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You're young and from what you stated, you're inexperienced, so take your time. Ask him to hold off the marriage talk until you get to know each other better. Maybe the romance thing will happen, maybe not. Don't feel guilty if it doesn't, but let him know as soon as possible that you don't "think" of him that way. Be honest with him.

If you're uncomfortable with his 'fawning' over you, let him know as gently as possible that it's making you uneasy. Don't let the 'nice to be wanted' situation sway you.

Go on the 2nd date and just enjoy his company and be yourself.

Have fun. Best of luck to you.
 
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dhoffman1421 is offline dhoffman1421 Post #3  May 29,2010, 10:37pm
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TinkerKat wrote :
You're young and from what you stated, you're inexperienced, so take your time. Ask him to hold off the marriage talk until you get to know each other better. Maybe the romance thing will happen, maybe not. Don't feel guilty if it doesn't, but let him know as soon as possible that you don't "think" of him that way. Be honest with him.

If you're uncomfortable with his 'fawning' over you, let him know as gently as possible that it's making you uneasy. Don't let the 'nice to be wanted' situation sway you.

Go on the 2nd date and just enjoy his company and be yourself.

Have fun. Best of luck to you.

Sage advice. Good luck!
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #4  May 30,2010, 1:41am
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TinkerKat wrote :
You're young and from what you stated, you're inexperienced, so take your time. Ask him to hold off the marriage talk until you get to know each other better. Maybe the romance thing will happen, maybe not. Don't feel guilty if it doesn't, but let him know as soon as possible that you don't "think" of him that way. Be honest with him.

If you're uncomfortable with his 'fawning' over you, let him know as gently as possible that it's making you uneasy. Don't let the 'nice to be wanted' situation sway you.

Go on the 2nd date and just enjoy his company and be yourself.

Have fun. Best of luck to you.
Good advice apart from suggesting you go on the second date. You would be best advised to cancel that 2nd date.

From your POV if there is no spark then there is no spark! Tell him that it was nice meeting him but you are not interested romantically.

From his POV (speaking from the male perspective). Fawning all over you and talking about marriage on the first date is creepy, wussy, needy, and scary, and he is almost certainly lying to try and get you in bed. First dates are about seeing if you get on, not sussing out marriage material, that is just very wrong. Don't walk away from this one- RUN!
 
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annother is offline annother Post #5  May 30,2010, 4:15am
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Johnnyguitarman wrote :
Fawning all over you and talking about marriage on the first date is creepy, wussy, needy, and scary, and he is almost certainly lying to try and get you in bed.
I have to agree with this. However, I'm also a believer in second dates simply because my first impressions are not always correct. Sometimes it takes a while for me to feel comfortable with a new person, so I give them the benefit of the doubt.

A second date will tell you if he is creepy or just nervous and lonely.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  May 30,2010, 6:11am
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annother wrote :
A second date will tell you if he is creepy or just nervous and lonely.

Agree.

If your partner is also inexperienced, I would tend to think the same way.

There are also some portion of people who marry quite young, and some who do not wish to enter relationships at all if they don't see marriage as viable with their partner.
 
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Lilycat is offline Lilycat Post #7  May 30,2010, 6:38am
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You might both be equally inexperienced, and he might just be saying what he thinks you want to hear......

Go on the 2nd date, enjoy yourself, if he is jumping too far ahead of hinself, well, ask him to slow down.......

What do you (either of you, really) have to lose.......

Oh, and to those who believe in the instant spark - well good luck to you.... yes it can happen, but you still need to take the time to get to know the person a bit before you jump into anything......

JMHO

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Lovely_Leo is offline Lovely_Leo Post #8  May 30,2010, 7:05am
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Johnnyguitarman wrote :
(snipped) From his POV (speaking from the male perspective). Fawning all over you and talking about marriage on the first date is creepy, wussy, needy, and scary, and he is almost certainly lying to try and get you in bed. First dates are about seeing if you get on, not sussing out marriage material, that is just very wrong. Don't walk away from this one- RUN!
From my experience with these types of men, I have to agree: A second date is a very bad idea. You'd be lucky if all he wants is to get into your pants. From my personal experience with these types of men, there is something fundamentally wrong with men who act this way.

People are on their best behaviour on a first date. From here, it will go from "no spark" to uncomfortable and then to scary veryvery fast ... Inappropriate gifts, telling your pets "when I move in you're history," wanting to be with you 24/7, telling you how much he loves you and/or how much you have in common even though he doesn't you, your morals or interests, rearranging things in your home, wanting to meet your parents (so they can help plan the wedding), not wanting you to do things without him ....

There are somethings you can't undo ... some experiences you don't want to carry with you for the rest of your life. There are a LOT of red flags.

Please: RUN FAR, RUN FAST
 
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Johnnyguitarman is offline Johnnyguitarman Post #9  May 30,2010, 7:23am
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Lovely Leo is right and has clearly met one of these men.

In fact, it sounds like it could be worse than I thought, go from "no spark" to "obsessive dangerous stalker" in two dates!

Seriously though, decent men do not behave like this guy has. RUN!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #10  May 30,2010, 7:46am
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RedJess wrote :
Hi,

I'm gonna bear a bit of my soul here So I'm 20, never had a date, never kissed a guy, never had sex, never had anything. Then again I was never really looking, I assumed someone would show interest in me first.

So now, someone showed interest. We went on one date and it was lovely... a little awkward and we're going on another on Sunday. However, I feel nothing romantic for him. I mean he has some serious friend potential, but I don't know about romance. I want to give him a second chance (hence the second date), but he keeps mentioning odd things like marriage (yikes!). He fawns over me like a puppy dog...

Should I say "no thanks" and be on my way? I mean... it's nice to be wanted after so long...

HELP! I am conflicted.
Hi RedJess...welcome to eHA.

I think if the only reason you'd say yes is because "it's nice to be wanted after so long..." then yes is not the right answer.

I'm not going to assume there's anything terrible about him. I will assume that he has some odd social conditioning, which may or may not be problematic. But, being friends with a man who mentions marriage on a first date and fawns all over you is going to be problematic as well.

I don't necessarily believe that instant chemistry is a good indicator of relationship potential, but I do believe that the ability to set healthy boundaries, for yourself and with others, will do you a lot more good than a spark. Forget being friends - he's attracted to you. Go on the date or not as a further exploration of whether there's potential there - and set some good, firm boundaries on his behavior with you.
 
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