Unsuccessful first meet


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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #1  May 28,2010, 9:40am
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says Festivus for the rest of us!

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I had a quick breakfast meeting today with a match. We did GC in a week, spoke 2x on the phone and set up a meeting. We never ran out of things to talk/laugh about. However, I didn't feel that spark at all when I looked into his eyes and I didn't feel a curiousity to know more about him or share more about myself. It was kinda like a nice meal with a colleague. The pink flag--a lot of compliments prior to meeting including one about hips--turned into a red flag at the end.

He walked me to my car and then leaned up against it almost blocking my ability to get in the door. I had key in hand and warmly said "have a great day" and leaned over to give the friendly one arm no torso contact hug. He kind of drew me in, almost pushing me off balance, and ran his hands through the bottom of my hair. I pulled away firmly and stepped back and then he moved and I opened the door. He then gave another compliment that I found inappropriate something like I'm making him hot. I said, "Slow down. You are moving way to fast for me." Needless to say, I don't want to continue.

What is the most decent option? I'm new to this and want to treat people the way I'd want to be treated. Texting seems too impersonal and calling opens the door to awkward conversation. It is tacky to send an email just saying that I had a great time, thanks for breakfast but I didn't feel a spark, good luck..... He's already texted me to say that he is still thinking about the meet up. I haven't responded. (I just gave him my cell number for confirmation at the meetup so it is the first text.)

And just for future reference, does an end of date hug send a wrong message? I am used to hugging or even doing the air kiss/cheek press thingy.

And is it better to just say that I didn't feel chemistry at the end of the meet up in person? I don't know.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  May 28,2010, 9:46am
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Sending an email to someone you've met once and are not dating isn't tacky. I would keep it bland. "Thank you for meeting and I wish you luck in your search - I just don't feel there is enough compatability for us to continue."

This guy sounds like a pusher. And really, the ending of the date sounds horrid. Stand firm. Do not feel guilty not taking his calls or answering his emails and text, or refraining from becoming 'friends' with him, which is just a euphamism to guys like this that you are open to persuasion.

I don't think hugging someone at the end of a date sends the wrong signal. If it turns into an extended hug - with kissing and some groping - that sends the wrong signal if you don't with to continue, but a simply hug should not.

Better luck with your other matches. It sounds like you know what you want and don't want - and that's half the battle.
 
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Tipitina is offline Tipitina Post #3  May 28,2010, 9:46am
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Why is it tacky to send a note saying thanks for breakfast and that you didn't feel a connection? If anything, given that he went over the line at the end of the date, a brief "thank you, no more" message seems kind.
 
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2clueless is offline 2clueless Post #4  May 28,2010, 9:51am
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Thanks for the confirmation. The email has been sent. Onward!
 
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Sparkenwolf is offline Sparkenwolf Post #5  May 28,2010, 9:53am
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Unfortunately, I also had a first date last night (from a diff site) that did not produce any sparks. I also have to agree that the guy sounds pushy... even I could figure out from the "California hug" that things did not go well on your end. Even though I don't text, and he already sent you a text... it might be safer to reply to his text with the good luck statement. Keep your chin up, there's always the next one.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #6  May 28,2010, 10:28am
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2clueless wrote :
What is the most decent option? I'm new to this and want to treat people the way I'd want to be treated. Texting seems too impersonal and calling opens the door to awkward conversation. It is tacky to send an email just saying that I had a great time, thanks for breakfast but I didn't feel a spark, good luck..... He's already texted me to say that he is still thinking about the meet up. I haven't responded. (I just gave him my cell number for confirmation at the meetup so it is the first text.)

And just for future reference, does an end of date hug send a wrong message? I am used to hugging or even doing the air kiss/cheek press thingy.

And is it better to just say that I didn't feel chemistry at the end of the meet up in person? I don't know.
Well, he didn't treat you the way you want to be treated so you two definitely aren't on the same wavelength. Someone that aggressive when you've given him no reason to think you'd welcome an advance like that should not be engaged again in person nor via phone.

There is absolutely nothing tacky about an email message telling him you're not interested in continuing. In fact, at this stage even a text would be fine for communicating that.

An end-of-date hug does not send the wrong message. Him blocking your access to your car, running his hands through your hair, and making comments about making him "hot"... after a breakfast meeting no less!... absolutely sends the wrong message from him.

I would NOT tell the match you don't feel the chemistry face-to-face at the end of a meet. You don't know the person well and have no idea what his reaction will be. For your own safety, and for the avoidance of an awkward argument if he felt differently, it is far better to follow up with a thanks-but-no-thanks email afterward.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #7  May 28,2010, 11:29am
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My advice would have been not to contact him at all, and if he contacts you, turn down any further meetings. I wouldn't go into detail about why (to avoid an argument), just that you don't feel enough chemistry or some other generic reason.
 
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Buck is offline Buck Post #8  May 28,2010, 12:26pm
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2clueless wrote :
Thanks for the confirmation. The email has been sent. Onward!
Well done. Next!
 
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Deborrah is offline Deborrah Post #9  June 3,2010, 11:26am
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My way of doing things is to do the fade out. A note sent saying "it was nice meeting you this morning" would be as far as I go. Any further contact gets no response. No response means to most adults NO INTEREST. So if he is an intelligent being, he'd know what time it was.

To me saying anything about what I feel re: no chemistry or whatever opens the door for him to come back with well why not? or but I thought we were getting along well, blah blah. All that does is put you in the position of having to explain yourself. I don't want to explain so I just move on.

Truly, that is how most men do it, and I learned from my 4 brothers and my male cousins. Women are always crying about "closure" but men know what no response to a message means.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #10  June 3,2010, 12:13pm
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Deborrah wrote :
My way of doing things is to do the fade out. A note sent saying "it was nice meeting you this morning" would be as far as I go. Any further contact gets no response. No response means to most adults NO INTEREST. So if he is an intelligent being, he'd know what time it was.

To me saying anything about what I feel re: no chemistry or whatever opens the door for him to come back with well why not? or but I thought we were getting along well, blah blah. All that does is put you in the position of having to explain yourself. I don't want to explain so I just move on.
If all you say is "nice meeting you", that doesn't even indicate you don't want to see the person again, which makes it poor communication. An intelligent person would make their main point more obvious.

No message at all would be more effective than what you suggest, because anything that leaves out the "don't want to see you" part implies you DO want to see them again, or you wouldn't have sent them a message.
 
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