Ladies, what is your definition of a divorced man being "over it"?


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NJGeek81 is offline NJGeek81 Post #1  May 27,2010, 1:35pm
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I ask this realizing that the label of being divorced is going to put some women on their guard. If anything because even though the incident seemed to happen so long ago, the numbers tell a different story. If I were asked about it, I'd say that "The short story is that it wasn't a long marriage, things feel apart and it was obvious we were just incompatible for each other. She left almost a year ago and I got it finalized a few months later. No kids, no financial obligations. Clean break."

To me, that seems the best way to put it at an early stage without lying about it. The expanded version is that (because of those incompatibilities that made our marriage less than stellar) in February she became friends with a 21 year old on MySpace (she was 28 at the time) while I was working a second job, fell in love with him and talked to him on the phone every night I was gone for about 5 months before I found out in July, leading to her leaving me to go live with him in California mid-August after being married to me for nearly 5 years. Apart from a few email exchanges regarding the divorce, I haven't seen or spoken to her since that day. She dragged her feet with the paperwork but the divorce was finalized in March.

Now from my point of view those 6 weeks of hell last July/August seem like a lifetime ago (despite only being about 10 months ago), yet it could be said that "You've only been divorced for 2 months? TAXI!!!!" I understand the concern about being with somebody who isn't over it, but the question is what is the definition of "over it"? Will women generally be afraid if the finalization date wasn't at least a year ago?

Let me close briefly by saying how I'm currently feeling about the situation. I consider myself to be "over it". I no longer wish for her to change her mind and come back to me (never have after a week or so of her being gone, despite how much it hurt). I realize what went wrong and know why we were unhappy. I realize that, sad as it was, it was for the best. I no longer get teary eyed thinking about it and consider myself emotionally stable. I am happy with my life, despite my strong desire to find somebody new to share it with. I want, rather than need, to date new people. I am excited to think what it'll be like to find somebody who's right for me.

Now that's not to say that I don't think about it sometimes. It's not like I can completely forget somebody I spent a total of 10 years of my life with. Still, is practically forgetting about somebody a requirement of being "over them"? I hope not. Let me know what you think, ladies.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  May 27,2010, 2:23pm
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Sounds like you are struggling with a self imposed stigma that divorce somehow makes you broken. So, I believe that you need to work on a change of perception to the fact that divorced does not equal broken. Being over means not just being over your ex emotionally, but also accepting your divorced and single status and being perfectly comfortable with that as well.

If you are on a date and she asks about it and you get tense and clam up, because you are afraid of how you will be seen, then it will come across as you not being over it.

As to forgetting her.....everybody has a past and every person we meet in some way influences us and makes us who we are today. For instance, you are now wiser and more aware of what can go wrong in a relationship and how to avoid it in the future. That's a positive influence even if it does not feel like one. It's never about forgetting or pretending that a person does not exist, it's about taking the best parts of them and the life lessons learned and moving forward.
 
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nancymargritangelita is offline nancymargritangelita Post #3  May 27,2010, 2:48pm
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This is hard to answer. DancingFool is right - if the topic comes up during your conversation with her and you tense up, it probably means you're not over it. I got to open communication with one match I had when I was on eHarmony; he mentioned his ex at least once in every email he sent me and he'd been divorced for almost a year. He was clearly not over it and he realized it himself after about the 5th or 6th email. He told me so and said that he'd email me when he thought he was ready to start another relationship - I never heard from him again.

I guess one indication that you're over your divorce is that you're able to focus on your current partner rather than thinking about your ex all the time.

Everyone has a different reason for getting divorced. Some people divorce after very short marriages and others divorce after very long marriages. How long it takes you to get over your divorce really depends on you. Be careful not to rush into another relationship too soon; it won't be good for either one of you. This doesn't mean that you can't have friends - just make sure that emotionally ready to start another relationship.
 
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suzyblueeyes is offline suzyblueeyes Post #4  May 27,2010, 2:54pm
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I think your first explanation is more than sufficient for an explanation in the early stages of dating. For what it's worth, it does sound like you are over it (it being the relationship). It sounds like what you have not yet comes to terms with is the label "divorced". I am sure that acceptance of this will come for you in time.
 
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NJGeek81 is offline NJGeek81 Post #5  May 27,2010, 2:58pm
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nancymargritangelita wrote :
This is hard to answer. DancingFool is right - if the topic comes up during your conversation with her and you tense up, it probably means you're not over it. I got to open communication with one match I had when I was on eHarmony; he mentioned his ex at least once in every email he sent me and he'd been divorced for almost a year. He was clearly not over it and he realized it himself after about the 5th or 6th email. He told me so and said that he'd email me when he thought he was ready to start another relationship - I never heard from him again.

I guess one indication that you're over your divorce is that you're able to focus on your current partner rather than thinking about your ex all the time.

Everyone has a different reason for getting divorced. Some people divorce after very short marriages and others divorce after very long marriages. How long it takes you to get over your divorce really depends on you. Be careful not to rush into another relationship too soon; it won't be good for either one of you. This doesn't mean that you can't have friends - just make sure that emotionally ready to start another relationship.
I don't think it's fair to say that if the topic comes up and I get nervous that necessarily means that I'm not over it. I think it's also very likely that I'd tense up because I'm concerned that my date might pre-judge me or automatically assume I'm not over it based on the answer I give to the subject, and a first date is full of at least a little nervousness as it is. My concern is partially based because many women have heard about horror stories like the one you just told me about guys flaking out on them because they weren't ready. As for me, I'd talk about it if asked in whatever level of detail as it takes for my date to understand the situation and be comfortable with it, and I'd be fine to not talk about it again and focus on having a great time.

suzyblueeyes wrote :
I think your first explanation is more than sufficient for an explanation in the early stages of dating. For what it's worth, it does sound like you are over it (it being the relationship). It sounds like what you have not yet comes to terms with is the label "divorced". I am sure that acceptance of this will come for you in time.
That sounds about right. About the label of being divorced, I've come to terms with it personally. I know what happened and why it happened, and do not hold myself to blame for it. However, I'm still concerned that about the automatic connotations some women might associate with it. I don't think it's an outlandish assumption that once a woman hears that I'm divorced she will probably wonder what negative qualities made her want to leave me, hence making her a bit more guarded and more likely to second guess.
Last edited by NJGeek81; May 27,2010 at 3:03pm.
 
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charmed59 is online now charmed59 Post #6  May 27,2010, 3:56pm
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I don't know what the deal is in NJ, but in my county in CA you can look up dates of both filing and final on divorce cases. I did run into one guy who gave me the "been divorced one year" line when I knew his wife had filed 6 months earlier and it was no where near finalized, and the messy stuff was yet to come. Let's just say if there is a way for her to know, don't fudge on the dates.
 
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Breezy1 is offline Breezy1 Post #7  May 27,2010, 4:18pm
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NJGeek81 wrote :
That sounds about right. About the label of being divorced, I've come to terms with it personally. I know what happened and why it happened, and do not hold myself to blame for it. However, I'm still concerned that about the automatic connotations some women might associate with it. I don't think it's an outlandish assumption that once a woman hears that I'm divorced she will probably wonder what negative qualities made her want to leave me, hence making her a bit more guarded and more likely to second guess.
Divorce is so prevalent today that I don't there is the stigma attached to it that you think there is. If I hear a man is divorced recently, my concern is not going to be what made the marriage end, it's going to be whether he's moved on from it. I would be waiting to hear if he complains about her, seems bitter, holds a grudge against her etc.

The way to show that you are over the divorce is to tell the facts as they are, when asked about them only, and then don't mention it again.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #8  May 27,2010, 4:41pm
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The truth is, she was cheating on you emotionally and ultimately left you for another man. This doesn't say anything bad about you, so why would you hide it?

I would go so far as to say your convolutious there were incompatibilities story even sounds lie-ish and just makes me wonder what you are hiding. I would go for short, sweet and honest instead.
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NJGeek81 is offline NJGeek81 Post #9  May 27,2010, 4:58pm
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nightling wrote :
The truth is, she was cheating on you emotionally and ultimately left you for another man. This doesn't say anything bad about you, so why would you hide it?

I would go so far as to say your convolutious there were incompatibilities story even sounds lie-ish and just makes me wonder what you are hiding. I would go for short, sweet and honest instead.
Well the truth is that there were incompatibilities that broke down the marriage and that's why I'm able to view it as a good thing rather than some grand future that was robbed from me. Still, I worry that mentioning the fact that she cheated on me and left me off the bat would be some sort of turnoff, like it's one of those things you aren't supposed to get into detail about at first. And when the 'c' word comes up, things get interesting and I'll have to get into the -whole- conversation about the timeline and the how's and why's. Not that I mind personally. I'm quite open and talkative by nature. It's just that I get the feeling (inevitably) going into detail about my ex wife cheating on me would raise some red flags for some.

Oh, and the good news is that while I certainly have some opinions about her emotional maturity and well being, I don't hold a grudge against her and I'm not angry about it. Funny thing was that I was never truly furious. I was more heartbroken, surprised, and sad at the tragedy of it all. That's just my nature I guess. That and I'm very forgiving. I can -understand- how things snowballed the way they did, much as I wish things turned out differently.
 
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FruitaBu is offline FruitaBu Post #10  May 27,2010, 5:09pm
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I agree with nightling. I feel you can still be brief and not get into details, but tell the truth. Your wife met someone on myspace, left you, and moved across the country to be with this person. (this is more common than you seem to think) It was a shock to you at the time, but you dealt with it the best you could and the divorce process was fairly simple and clean.

I think that explanation is much better than mentioning incompatibilities. "Incompatibilities" brings up a ton of questions in my mind. An explanation like the one above is fairly cut and dry and the truth according to you.

As for being ready to date.. you sound like you are ready to at least get out there. I waited about 18 months after my divorce and I felt ready, but it was pretty odd for awhile. You will probably experience that. Each year that goes by it gets easier. Now at the 4 year mark, I barely remember what it was like to be married. You will get there.

Good luck.
 
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