so confused. disappearing man


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newb99 is offline newb99 Post #1  May 26,2010, 1:41pm
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so i met a great guy online. talked on the phone and texted every day for about a week. we really hit it off and had a lot in common when it came to dating/relationship style. he was very sweet and complimented me constantly. we went on a first date and it went great. we went to dinner, took a walk, and kissed for quite some time.

after the first date communication slowed a bit. no more compliments. we talked about a second date but he never made any firm plans with me. it's been a week since our first date and i don't hear from him daily anymore.

what happened?? do i just back off completely or should i give it a few days and send a hello text?

i'm pretty new to dating. is this normal?
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #2  May 26,2010, 1:53pm

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It's not normal but all to common in our modern dating world. It is now referred to as poofing. Someone decides for any reason or no reason that they do not want to pursue a relationship and disappear.

Don't blame yourself and try not to get upset about it. The best thing to do is focus on other possible matches. Also sometimes people have unexlained events happen in their life and stop communicating for a time, in your case though it does not sound like it. If this is his style, your better off to find out early.

Good luck and try to stay positive.
 
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howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #3  May 26,2010, 1:55pm
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OK... would be helpful if there was a little context, age, divorced, never married, widowed, etc. Basically, he is gone. I would not reach out. If it has faded already, the bloom is off the rose. Since it has been a wile for you, you will find a rhythm, don't let this affect you at all.

There will be others. They will be be better and some may be worse.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  May 26,2010, 1:58pm
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Has there been a reason for not making a precise plan (not sure of schedule)?

Have you been waiting for him to do all the planning?

Personally, I like to set my second meeting while still at the first (precise day and location.) I am also looking to see that the woman is participating in the planning.

To my taste, if I had arranged the first meeting, the woman should arrange the second (not doing so would explain losss of interest.)

This could be due to him finding / making progress with someone else, limited interest in you, or it being increasingly your turn to make the effort ... or something else entirely.

It is very common.
 
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newb99 is offline newb99 Post #5  May 26,2010, 2:05pm
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We are both in our late 20s, never married.

He mentioned a specific day this week then right after said he couldn't do that day. I suggested we do it on another night and my schedule was pretty open this week. He asked if he could get back to me.

He usually texts me every morning during the week then we'll chat for a while (and I'll text him on the weekends). Yesterday he didn't initiate so I did. Today again no initiation so I didn't either.
 
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Andie0264 is offline Andie0264 Post #6  May 26,2010, 2:25pm
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I had a guy poof after a great first date even after we set the second date up at the end of the first date. We swapped phone numbers, put each other into our phones, said we'd confirm on the day of the second date. He never responded to my email, phone or text on the day of the planned date. I finally texted him that I wasn't going to show up for the date unless I heard back from him. Silence = poof. I still don't get it, but such is life.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  May 26,2010, 2:38pm
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newb99 wrote :
He mentioned a specific day this week then right after said he couldn't do that day. I suggested we do it on another night and my schedule was pretty open this week. He asked if he could get back to me.

It doesn't sound like he seems much reason to continue with you.

The easy option is to just put your effort elsewhere and let this one be, unless he reaches you again, at which point you decide what to do. I don't really like this option, because the likely reason the person comes back is that something else fell through or they get lonely - it's like an action which is intrinsically bad.

The other option is back to my prior post, which is that you ask him out. This counters the effect of people like me, who are not doing unreciprocated effort. This is a clear minority of men, though, and if he is not one of them (or is disinterested for more than that reason), then you are wasting resources and attention on a lost cause.

As for the decline of texting, I would actually see that as a good sign. Not meeting is very bad, however (as is not crisply explaining when he will be available.)
 
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newb99 is offline newb99 Post #8  May 26,2010, 3:32pm
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D_Lion wrote :
It doesn't sound like he seems much reason to continue with you.
D_Lion - Sorry this is a little unclear to me. You're saying he doesn't want to continue, right?

Also, why would the decline in texting be a good sign?

I have no problem asking him out. At this point though I'm not even sure how to approach the subject - or even when? Not to mention, I've been in the situation where I made all the plans with him putting forth no effort. Would definitely like to avoid that again.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  May 26,2010, 3:44pm
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OP, I don't want to be harsh, but what is so confusing about all this? He is quite clearly not interested you in any longer. You went on a one single date, it's not like there is a relationship. You liked him more than he liked you, now he is doing the fade out rather than telling you flat out that he is not interested - either way the result is the same. It sucks, but it happens. It's over and not worth wasting another thought on. Start planning your next date with the next guy.
 
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Breezy1 is offline Breezy1 Post #10  May 26,2010, 4:09pm
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Bottom line, if he wanted to be in contact with you, he would. It hurts when one party believes that there is mutual affection or interest and it turns out not to be the case. It can be extremely confusing. It sounds like something may have happened on the day that he originally set up to see you and then said "oh I can't do that day".

You've already sent him two texts with no response. Don't draw it out any further.

In my experience, you cut your losses and move on. He knows how to reach you. If he texts or calls in the future, you can make a determination at that time if he is someone worth spending time with.

In the meantime, move on to greener pastures and find someone who deserves to know you.
 
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