Multiple Dating: From the other side?


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RandomConstant is offline RandomConstant Post #1  May 26,2010, 8:45am
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Dating more than one person at once seems like an efficient way of optimizing your time to find a partner, and it seems at least some (most?) posters here believe it's correct. I've been considering about that approach a few times, but there's still an aspect I'm unsure of:

When you finally move to an exclusive relationship, what happens to the others you were dating in parallel? How do you bring it to them?

And, more importantly, how would YOU feel if you ended up in that situation where the person you were dating brings that fact to you? (However they might bring it up)
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #2  May 26,2010, 9:11am
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Do you feel from reading this site that a majority of the people here believe in the concept of multi-dating? hmmmm... interesting interpretation.

As for how do you break it off... once I've started an exclusive relationship with one guy, I normally tell the other two (I explore relationship potential with no more than 3 guys at a time)... that I have been asked to enter into an exclusive relationship, and I want to take the time to focus on that person and give that relationship a chance. That I appreciate the time we had, and would like to remain friends (only if I really mean this)...

This has worked for me the couple of times that I have had to do it... also because I am up front and honest with the individuals that I am multi-dating.

It has happened to me on the other side of the house as well... and I am fine with it. You can't be in a relationship with everyone, so, you get to a point that you have to choose. I personally think it premature to make this decision after 1-2 dates... either with me being the decider or the person on the other end.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  May 26,2010, 9:12am
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You are looking at it from the standpoint of competition and rejection. I look at it from a standpoint of compatibility. Whether you are dating one at a time or multiple people at a time really does not matter, because at the end of the day you'll dump all of them except for the one who is actually right for you.

Initial dating is casual anyway and I assume that he is also seeing and talking to other women unless there is an understanding between us to the contrary. Do I want to discuss the subject or have him tell me about his other dates? No. It's none of my business. If he decides to end things, I expect him to be civil and say something along the lines of sorry it's just not working out for me. Do I need to be told that he picked someone else? No, that's utterly tactless and tmi.
 
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slaw is offline slaw Post #4  May 26,2010, 9:27am
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RandomConstant wrote :

When you finally move to an exclusive relationship, what happens to the others you were dating in parallel? How do you bring it to them?
This has been raised before and you will get a lot of disagreement about it. Personally, I settle this problem by disclosing my situation and intentions early on. Then, everyone is on the same page and, if she doesn't like the idea, she can bail. Seeing 3 or 4 women at once and keeping them in the dark until you pick one is playing games and is, imo, needlessly cruel. It hurts to invest months in a relationship only to discover you were Plan B or C. Why do that to her?

On this rare occassion I also agree with DFool. I would never tell a woman I picked someone else over her. That betrays a real lack of social intelligence, empathy and tact.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #5  May 26,2010, 9:33am
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slaw wrote :
On this rare occassion I also agree with DFool. I would never tell a woman I picked someone else over her. That betrays a real lack of social intelligence, empathy and tact.

but it's the truth ...
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  May 26,2010, 9:53am
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jussmile wrote :
but it's the truth ...
It's equally the truth that you are picking the other one because you are more compatible with them and not so much with the person you are dumping. There is a tactful way to ends things and a deliberately cruel way to end things - "but it's the truth" is not a defense or justification for being cruel to someone.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #7  May 26,2010, 9:57am
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DancingFool wrote :
It's equally the truth that you are picking the other one because you are more compatible with them and not so much with the person you are dumping. There is a tactful way to ends things and a deliberately cruel way to end things - "but it's the truth" is not a defense or justification for being cruel to someone.
who's talking about being cruel or not being tactful? If the person up front knows that you are multi-dating... I don't see how it is being cruel stating that you want to give another relationship a try...

hmmm... I'll have to think about this one. I've never had an issue with going there in the past... and the guys have understood and most wished me good luck. In one instance, where I tried to get back (after the relationship didn't work out with guy 1)... it didn't work to get back with guy 2... but that was probably for the best anyway.

but cruel... hmmm... I would not be insensitive to anyone like that.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  May 26,2010, 10:00am
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I think that you have a misconception on how dating multiple people works (at least in my experience).

The first is that for each person that you begin communication with the likelihood that you will ever get to a date is limited. Then for every person that you have a first date with getting a second date is pretty slim. As you begin communicating with different people they will respond at different speeds and you may get to the point of asking to meet one after a week while another may take 10 days and another may take two weeks. So (if you are a whole lot luckier than I) over the course of a month you may have had two dates with one person and one date each with two others. IMO this is still too early to be deciding to become exclusive with anyone as you are just beginning to get to know each one of them. So you are multi-dating.

Your second misconception is that you would be dating multiple people for an extended period of time and that each of your matches believes that they are exclusive with you. At some point one of your dates is going to begin to look like they have the potential to be a long term partner even before you have become exclusive. When you find one person coming to the top over the others you may be dating then you would naturally begin spending more and more time with that person and have less time for others.

The way that you break off any relationship is the same no matter if you are not interested after a first date or if it is the 10th date.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  May 26,2010, 10:02am
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DancingFool wrote :
It's equally the truth that you are picking the other one because you are more compatible with them and not so much with the person you are dumping. There is a tactful way to ends things and a deliberately cruel way to end things - "but it's the truth" is not a defense or justification for being cruel to someone.
"I found someone hotter!"
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  May 26,2010, 10:03am
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slaw wrote :
This has been raised before and you will get a lot of disagreement about it. Personally, I settle this problem by disclosing my situation and intentions early on. Then, everyone is on the same page and, if she doesn't like the idea, she can bail. Seeing 3 or 4 women at once and keeping them in the dark until you pick one is playing games and is, imo, needlessly cruel. It hurts to invest months in a relationship only to discover you were Plan B or C. Why do that to her?

On this rare occassion I also agree with DFool. I would never tell a woman I picked someone else over her. That betrays a real lack of social intelligence, empathy and tact.
Doesn't that cross the line of carrying on multiple relationships as opposed to casual dates? I guess for me the multi-dating concept hinges on the fact that it's casual and if out of that, one relationship starts to develop, the rest come to an immediate end.
 
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