Dating someone still "Friends" with their Ex?


View Poll Results: Would you rather date...
Someone who had an amicable break-up and still friends with their ex 8 13.11%
Someone who is on friendly terms, but doesn't talk much to their ex 35 57.38%
Someone who has severed all ties with their ex 14 22.95%
Someone who never had an ex! 4 6.56%
Voters: 61. You may not vote on this poll

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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  May 25,2010, 3:13pm
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I am still friendly with my ex... I have gotten a little flack about that on here, because many people have stated they believe it is okay to have a friendly relationship with an ex for the kid's sake... but not necessarily okay for you to have a friendship.

In my situation, my ex helps me out around the house, and does simple tasks. Now, there is no relationship (physical) between my ex and I... I am not trying to get back with him, and he is not trying to get back with me. We were friends before we got married, and best friends during our marriage... and I see no reason to not be friends now, since we've decided we make better friends than spouses.

Some have said that a new person entering the picture may have an issue with this sort of situation.

I'm curious, would most people have a problem dating someone who had a close friendship with their ex? Meaning... the ex helps them with "fix-it" chores around the house, takes out the trash, and occasional vacation with the kids... would you prefer someone who had no contact with their ex, or would you prefer someone who did not have a friendship... but still on cordial terms?
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #2  May 25,2010, 3:21pm
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I think there is a big difference between someone helping around the house doing fix-it jobs that require some know-how, and taking out the trash. It's too much making yourself at home to have a former spouse still helping out with the trash, and I would definitely raise an eyebrow. If your furnace broke down in the middle of winter and he could repair, I see that as a different matter, where it's a friend doing a favor and not maintaining that familiar relationship of keeping house together.

I am still friends with my ex as well -- we don't have children. A big difference I see is that we live thousands of miles apart from each other, and he has now remarried. Our romantic feelings for each other died out long before the marriage ended, and we were good friends before we got married. The friendship was something we worked hard to keep as we worked through the divorce, making sure family were understanding and not causing friction, because we valued our friendship too much.

My contact with my ex will now probably diminish considerably since his new wife is somewhat jealous of the friendship we have kept, and I'm not sure why. I've never met her, but I will not come between them because I have my own life to focus on.

For voting -- I think someone who could part on amicable terms with an ex is showing a level of courtesy and emotional maturity if that is possible to maintain in the breakup. That's not always the case, so I don't really see one option to pick definitively.
Last edited by MelinCali; May 25,2010 at 3:23pm.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #3  May 25,2010, 3:26pm
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MelinCali wrote :
I think there is a big difference between someone helping around the house doing fix-it jobs that require some know-how, and taking out the trash. It's too much making yourself at home to have a former spouse still helping out with the trash, and I would definitely raise an eyebrow.
I should clarify that "taking out the trash" is a task that involves taking the two large bins down my long driveway once per week. He is at my house anyway picking up the kids for school on garbage day, so he volunteered to do that as that is a long haul down my house to the curb where the bins get picked up... They're heavy, it's a long driveway, and he thought it would just be easy for him to do since he is there already.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #4  May 25,2010, 3:31pm
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jussmile wrote :
I should clarify that "taking out the trash" is a task that involves taking the two large bins down my long driveway once per week. He is at my house anyway picking up the kids for school on garbage day, so he volunteered to do that as that is a long haul down my house to the curb where the bins get picked up... They're heavy, it's a long driveway, and he thought it would just be easy for him to do since he is there already.
This does not change my view of taking out the trash -- I considered this type of chore when I made my assessment. I'm not dating you, so my opinion on how involved your ex is in your household doesn't really matter, but I would see this as overly involved if someone I was dating did this for his ex still. I am speaking from the view of a former relationship with no children involved here.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #5  May 25,2010, 3:33pm
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I agree with MelinCali. It shows too much connection between the two of you. I understand it is a hassle taking the trash to the curb, but it is something you really should just do yourself. Does he do anything else in the house for you?

As I said before, if I were a man, I'd have issues with this if I were dating you.

Doing some larger project, no biggie. Staying friendly with the ex, especially for your childrens' sake, no one should have an issue with that. But, once an ex is an ex, you really should be independent of him. Your day to day life should be especially.

I once, only once, had to call my son's father to come pick me up when my car broke down. There was no way he was going to allow his son and his son's mother sit on the side of the road in the middle of the night. I never ask him for anything other than what is required for our son's well being.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  May 25,2010, 3:35pm
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Speaking as someone capable of not having "romantic fealings" after a relationship (if in fact I had them during, which I do not require), I would know that I can retain a friendship with an ex-partner.

So, I would by hypocritical to hold this against my current partner (though, I may be on the rare side as regards my ability to be unimpaired by bothersome emotions.)

***

If my partner makes a request to someone other than me, regarding an ability I have, then that is a data point that she doesn't see me as worth more than the "friend with benefits" (usually not the message she wants to send.)

Another concern, is the continued receipt of support from an ex. Value system mis-match.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #7  May 25,2010, 3:37pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
I never ask him for anything other than what is required for our son's well being.
I can understand the "trash" reference... telling him, "no, I'll do it myself" is not something I really gave much thought about... it was a simple task he asked to help with. Didn't think much about it being a big deal until a few comments were made here...

but I would ask my friends to help in other situations (just like they have asked for my help) other than something involving the children.

So, sounds like you don't think "ex's" should stay friends, and only be friendly for the sake of the kids?
 
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FairOne is offline FairOne Post #8  May 25,2010, 3:39pm
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I hear you about your trashcans Jussmile, but there is no way in h*ll I would date a man that still took out his ex-wifes trash, did home improvement projects for her, or went on vacation (!??!) with her.

I find it completely inappropriate because it speaks too much to a connection and sense of partnership that should, in my opinion, no longer exist between exes. (It's probably pertinent to add that my preference is to date men without children, and this is part of the reason)

I have no problem with guys being cordial with their exes or speaking occasionally, especially since I'm on good terms with my exes. But anything that smacks of her relying on him, and him still feeling obligated to do things for her, would not work for me.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #9  May 25,2010, 3:41pm
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jussmile wrote :
I can understand the "trash" reference... telling him, "no, I'll do it myself" is not something I really gave much thought about... it was a simple task he asked to help with. Didn't think much about it being a big deal until a few comments were made here...

but I would ask my friends to help in other situations (just like they have asked for my help) other than something involving the children.

So, sounds like you don't think "ex's" should stay friends, and only be friendly for the sake of the kids?
My friends would not take out my trash for me and I would not ask them to.

The reason would be that they would be a guest at my house. Guests are not requested to do that kind of job and I would be shocked if one asked. That is the kind of thing that someone does out of a living together arrangement, so it is too intimate to be a friendship-only favor, IMO.

ETA: Just saw FairOne's post -- I agree with her use of the word "partnership" to describe this kind of lingering connection.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #10  May 25,2010, 3:45pm
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FairOne wrote :
(It's probably pertinent to add that my preference is to date men without children, and this is part of the reason)
I guess my question is still why??

I know people don't like exes hanging around, etc... but, I'm just curious as to why? Why would anyone feel threatened by a friendship? Obviously we have decided that, that kind of relationship won't work, there's not threat there... or, we would still be together and not pursuing other relationships.

I guess I just don't get why it would be a problem for a guy to be friends with his ex... even helping her out if she needed it, as long as I felt secure in the fact that she wasn't trying to get back with him, and he was not interested in getting back with her...

or... maybe that is the "unspoken" why... people aren't stating? If an ex is doing these things, or relying on an ex to do these things... then there is a chance they will get back together?

ummm... no thanks (I can only speak for my situation and say this most definitely does not equate to wanting to get back together).
 
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