How Long Would You Wait for Exclusivity?


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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #1  May 24,2010, 9:56pm
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I've been dating a guy since the end of February, but we've only gone on 6 dates because of conflicting schedules and a desire on his part to take things slow. I feel like I'm not sure what kind of pace is normal--weighing 3 months against 6 dates. All of those dates were 24-hour dates, though (including the first): We met at noon, spent the day together, and parted at noon the next day. And we do email back and forth--and, more rarely (because of our conflicting schedules), talk on the phone.

He says he doesn't want exclusivity yet because he's still recovering from his divorce (finalized last December), so I don't want to rush him. I also don't want to leave him. From what he's said (and what I know of his schedule, via his direct words & his facebook events), he hasn't actually gone out with anyone else since he's started seeing me. He does like to flirt, though. He hasn't flirted with anyone else while we've been out on dates, but I know he's recently flirted with other women on Match.com and in real life.

Regardless of that, I really like him, and I feel like we really click. So, what do you think? Should I wait for him? How long have you waited? Is it just a waste of time in the end? Does it ever work out? When he's "recovered," will we be exclusive, or will I just be dumped???
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #2  May 24,2010, 10:10pm

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chimerical wrote :
I've been dating a guy since the end of February, but we've only gone on 6 dates because of conflicting schedules and a desire on his part to take things slow. I feel like I'm not sure what kind of pace is normal--weighing 3 months against 6 dates. All of those dates were 24-hour dates, though (including the first): We met at noon, spent the day together, and parted at noon the next day. And we do email back and forth--and, more rarely (because of our conflicting schedules), talk on the phone.

He says he doesn't want exclusivity yet because he's still recovering from his divorce (finalized last December), so I don't want to rush him. I also don't want to leave him. From what he's said (and what I know of his schedule, via his direct words & his facebook events), he hasn't actually gone out with anyone else since he's started seeing me. He does like to flirt, though. He hasn't flirted with anyone else while we've been out on dates, but I know he's recently flirted with other women on Match.com and in real life.

Regardless of that, I really like him, and I feel like we really click. So, what do you think? Should I wait for him? How long have you waited? Is it just a waste of time in the end? Does it ever work out? When he's "recovered," will we be exclusive, or will I just be dumped???
I think you have to prepare....if you decided to stay, there's a risk of him dumping you later on if he found somebody that for whatever reason might offer what he wants (not to say they're better).

The 'semi-exclusivity' right now seems to be one-sided...you're not going out, or flirting with anybody, yet he keeps his option open. He already said to you about being divorced, recovering, etc...so if you still sticking around (but not saying anything that you really want in hopes not to spook him), then it can go either way...he'll come around in the future, or move on when he feels like it.

Only you can decide pretty much....but whatever you decide, just know it's what YOU also want, rather than following what he wants.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  May 24,2010, 10:22pm
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Someone who isn't recovered from divorce or death cannot promise who they will be, when they're recovered. People get changed by events like divorce and death, in unforeseeable ways.

So it's good he's not making promises. That's wise on his part.

There's no way for us here to predict anything for you ... I don't really think even you can predict it. Perhaps you could just set a time limit for yourself: how long you're willing to invest in this relationship without it becoming committed?
 
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TryingHardToNotTrySoHard is offline TryingHardToNotTrySoHard Post #4  May 25,2010, 4:39am
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If he's flirting with other women still, it seems like he's not as attached to you as you seem to be to him. From watching my parents' divorce, I know it can take literally years to get over it and that some of those wounds never heal. If you're willing to both risk getting more attached and then get dumped and put up with his issues, then perhaps wait a little longer. Even then, I think a time limit is a very wise idea.
 
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tjlpd is offline tjlpd Post #5  May 25,2010, 5:21am
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I think it is not a good idea to be exclusive with someone who has told you he does not want to be exclusive. You are too invested. I think this is a scenario where he has been honest with you. You need to take him at his word (he does not want to be exclusive).
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #6  May 25,2010, 5:54am
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That whole thing I've said before about making someone else a priorty when they are making you an option.

Please don't do it. Date him - continue to get to know him if you want - but don't block off the space in your life that might be filled by someone who will actually make you a priority.

I understand loving someone through their difficult times - but it has to be a two-way thing...and doing so as an exclusive partner should come after committment, not before.

We are, some of us, altogether too prone to attaching ourselves to potential, rather than acutality.
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #7  May 25,2010, 6:32am
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You are talking about 6 dates that were all 24-hour dates over a three month period. I'm not sure how much time you spend communicating outside of your dates (phone, text, email), but it seems to me that you are a rebound romance if he is still recovering and does not want to be exclusive with you by now.

By 24 hours, I'm going to assume that you two are intimate, which we would definitely be at a point that I would require exclusivity. I would not continue to see someone who doesn't want to see me alone once the relationship gets to the point of being physical. That would make me feel like I am being used. I would walk away from this if he wanted to continue to see other women or at least continue to flirt with matches online -- but that's how I'm wired.

How long I would wait is not a time frame, but the pace of our relationship to becoming intimate -- that's when I would need a commitment to seeing me alone.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #8  May 25,2010, 7:03am
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My philosophy as always been very simple. Exclusive to me is when I have no desire to go on any dates with anyone but one woman and I don't waste time after I find the one woman I want to be with.

i.e. if you have gone on six dates with this person and this person isn't seeing anyone else and you want to continue seeing this person by the very nature of exclusivity you are exclusive.
 
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makemealadiesman is offline makemealadiesman Post #9  May 25,2010, 8:20am
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you got a life to live so make the best of it and maybe he'll work on his schedule and get with you.
Remember guys like a chase so don't sit at home waiting on him to want to be with you.
 
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jacques102 is offline jacques102 Post #10  May 25,2010, 8:27am
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chimerical wrote :
He says he doesn't want exclusivity yet because he's still recovering from his divorce (finalized last December), so I don't want to rush him. I also don't want to leave him.

Regardless of that, I really like him, and I feel like we really click. So, what do you think? Should I wait for him? How long have you waited? Is it just a waste of time in the end? Does it ever work out? When he's "recovered," will we be exclusive, or will I just be dumped???
So, what do you think?

I think he is on the rebound like some here say and has one of two things going on. 1. He is stringing you along. 2. He is very confused about what he wants and may feel he can find something better. (not saying you are not the best, he just doesn't know that)

Should I wait for him? That is up to you. If you can put up with someone who is not exclusive and you feel he will come around some day. I would question what you are waiting for though. If he feels he does not have to be exclusive now, and can get away with it, what makes you think he will ever feel he has to be exclusive ever. So the question to you would be:

Are you willing to be with a man who is seeing other women?

How Long Have You Waited?
I don't wait. And I certainly would not wait for someone who is seeing other people.

Is it just a waste of time in the end?
That would depend on your feelings and if you feel you have learned something from this all.

Does it ever work out?
My experience has been no. But there are others here that may have had other experiences.
When he's "recovered," will we be exclusive, or will I just be dumped???
That would depend on if he ever does 'recover'. And it really does depend on what you mean by recovery. Recovery may be that you were a great interim relationship to bridge the gap between divorce and moving on. Recovery may mean that he see's the light and realizes you actually are the one.

What it boils down to is you need to talk to him. Don't let him string you along, this will make it much harder on yourself if this does not work out.
 
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