Should I state this upfront?


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mariachigirl is offline mariachigirl Post #1  May 24,2010, 10:49am
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is about to throw in the towel.

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I've been on a series of first dates recently, one in particular that I thought went well, yet I never heard from him again. It seemed that we had both had a good time, but I guess I was mistaken.

I don't know whether this is the issue or not, but I'm what you would consider a big girl. I am working on getting in shape and losing weight for myself, but that will take time. I'm wondering if I should mention this upfront when I start communicating with someone or if this would be too weird. I don't want to waste my time or anyone else's time if someone of my size is going to be a dealbreaker.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #2  May 24,2010, 10:58am
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You don't have to labour the point, bringing it up as something special always sounds defensive and expectant of being dismissed to me, as far as i'm concerned if it's mentioned in your profile and/or you have some representative pics up there then it's up to him to pay attention to that and decide if it's an issue to him without making it a nail in the coffin of depression for you.
 
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Feasul is offline Feasul Post #3  May 24,2010, 11:00am
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I guess a full-body shot would be a more passive way of telling them that without putting it in words or sounding defensive.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  May 24,2010, 11:06am
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What the guys said - just have an honest full body picture posted and don't say anything else, because anything you say will come across as defensive and negative no matter how you put it. When he sees what you look like and contacts you, you know he is simply interested and no promises of weight loss or anything else are needed.
 
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mariachigirl is offline mariachigirl Post #5  May 24,2010, 11:06am
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is about to throw in the towel.

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Thanks gothustartus. I don't have any full length pics of myself, otherwise I would post them. However, I don't state my body type on my profile. I hope that doesn't come across as deceitful. It seems a bit odd to me to state that to the world, hence my wanting to communicate that to men I'm actually in touch with. But I do see your point how that would come across as defensive. I will be canceling eharmony soon but recently set up a profile on Match where I specifically state my body type. I'm confused why I'm contacted by men who state their preference for slender/athletic/average body type women.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  May 24,2010, 11:06am
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Hi Mariachigirl!

Are you talking online dating? If so, you could include full-body photos in your profile. That takes care of having to say anything upfront.

I do think some men would find an email saying "I'm big, are you ok with that?" hard to deal with. Even if they were ok with it.

Edit: oops, posts occurred while I was writing!

Get some photos of you! It's really the simplest solution.
 
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mariachigirl is offline mariachigirl Post #7  May 24,2010, 11:08am
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Thanks everyone for the replies! I hadn't thought about it coming across as defensive before, merely me wanting to not waste anyone's time. I'm glad I thought to ask before as hearing this perspective is very helpful.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  May 24,2010, 11:16am
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mariachigirl wrote :
Thanks gothustartus. I don't have any full length pics of myself, otherwise I would post them. However, I don't state my body type on my profile. I hope that doesn't come across as deceitful. It seems a bit odd to me to state that to the world, hence my wanting to communicate that to men I'm actually in touch with. But I do see your point how that would come across as defensive. I will be canceling eharmony soon but recently set up a profile on Match where I specifically state my body type. I'm confused why I'm contacted by men who state their preference for slender/athletic/average body type women.
Yes, the men will feel deceived when they meet you because they are going by their eyes, looking at your photos and a lot of the time do not stop to really examine every detail of your profile. There is no reason why you can't have a friend snap a full body pic and post it.

Passive rejection online because you are not his type won't be as painful as some guy cutting the date short and walking away from you because you don't look the way he imagined or stopping all communication because you tell him about your weight. The biggest irony in both cases being that he probably would have been fine with it if he had seen a full pic up front.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #9  May 24,2010, 11:23am
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mariachigirl wrote :
I'm confused why I'm contacted by men who state their preference for slender/athletic/average body type women.
A lot of men don't bother to read profiles even if they're fully paid up members with full access, they either just see a cute photo in a search and contact on the basis of that or they fire off dozens of form emails at a time and hope they get a couple of hits, the shotgun approach.
I always think it would be handy if dating sites appended a flag to every email to show that the sender actually read the profile, so you know which ones are chancers that can be ignored.
 
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Iconography is offline Iconography Post #10  May 24,2010, 11:26am
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I'll second (third? fourth?) the suggestion of a full-body photo, but don't take it personally if men close you out or don't respond. When I was active on eH, I had a full-body photo and despite being small and (according to my friends and my guy) nicely figured, I hardly ever received any contact.
 
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