financial problems in relationships


View Poll Results: Assuming both of you are working which income situation would you NOT want to date? (You can choose
making significantly more 3 14.29%
making a little more 0 0%
making the same income 0 0%
making a little less 2 9.52%
making alot less 19 90.48%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 21. You may not vote on this poll

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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #1  May 20,2010, 11:28pm
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I saw some postings in a previous topic on marrying down that really bothered me.

cp30 wrote :
I disagree. I think anyone entering into a marriage should figure that at some point due to any crisis or unexpected event they could end up being the sole provider, and many do -- whether they saw it coming or not.

I don't think expectation has much to do with it, it's just knowing the right thing to do, when ....and I think most good people expect this of themselves.

There is a double standard when the man loses his job nd the woman loses her job. With men there is this societal expectation of the man earning income.

Any study would show in this economic problems, if a man was to lose their job while the woman worked over time there would be much more pressure on the man to work and marital problems that result than if the roles were reversed.

This happened to me in my marriage.

I was hit in the last recession in 2001 when I was laid off while I was married. I applied to tons of jobs, had interviews, and it took me 6 months to get a job.

Near the end of this stretch, I was getting more pressure from my ex-wife on me finding a job. She knew I had these interviews and that I sent out tons of applications.

I think there was peer presure on her from her coworkers who were likely telling her stuff with men and needing to work.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #2  May 21,2010, 12:10am
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You really need a none of the above or all of the above option. As long as my partner has an income that helps support our life together, I'm good.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  May 21,2010, 3:39am
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I dont think its a "societal" expectation, I think most men expect it from themselves. Most, not all. But most that I encounter.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  May 21,2010, 3:44am
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Oh and as far as actual employment is concerned, all I care about is that he has the ability to earn a decent income and that he is smart and productive. Someone that was unemployed but wasting time at home would bug me, but the real reason is not because he isn't working or the money aspect of it, but because it would show a lack of ambition.

Once you are old enough you realize that money comes and goes. It's essential to live, but it's not a be all end all or the substance of a good life. Work hard, help others, and be grateful for what you have. The rest will come.
 
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96speed is offline 96speed Post #5  May 21,2010, 6:52am
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How much more or less my partner makes doesn't matter that much to me. Obviously, there would be a problem if the person had no financial means and just lived off of welfare or their parents or whatever. What's more important is that we are both on the same page regarding each other's goals and long term plans.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #6  May 21,2010, 7:09am
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I think you date based on the preferences and priorities you are looking for in a partner. Because any dating situation for me, I think might have potential to turn into a relationship, I would look to date someone who makes at least as much, if not more than I do.

Why does it matter? Because I already have a bunch of mouths to feed... I'm not looking to add another. If a guy cannot afford the type of lifestyle that I have worked really hard to get to, then this would not be a compatible relationship.

I have also found that it can cause problems in the relationship. I actually dated a couple of people who where not high income earners... they were extremely attractive, extremely nice, kind-hearted people. However, our lifestyles were just too different. Because I have a housekeeper, yard person, believe in the power of the SPA! they just thought these things were a waste of money and high maintenance. Whereas, I've dated people with high incomes, who have those same qualities that I am looking for (kind heart, nice person, treats me well), and this wasn't even an issue. For most, they have the same services, and also find them necessary in helping to provide a more stress-free environment... but even those who did not (a lot of guys just don't need maid services...) they still understood why I use those services, and this was not something strange to them.

I know these things do not matter to a lot of people. I can accept that there are many approaches and preferences. My preference though, is that income and spending habits (could not be with someone with mounds of consumer debt either) do matter a lot when I'm dating... as I am hoping the dating will turn into a relationship, and these things are important for any marriage that I would be in.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  May 21,2010, 9:53am
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AndieIsMe wrote :
You really need a none of the above or all of the above option. As long as my partner has an income that helps support our life together, I'm good.
Needs an "Any of the above" option.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  May 21,2010, 9:56am
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Nanette wrote :
Oh and as far as actual employment is concerned, all I care about is that he has the ability to earn a decent income and that he is smart and productive. Someone that was unemployed but wasting time at home would bug me, but the real reason is not because he isn't working or the money aspect of it, but because it would show a lack of ambition.

Once you are old enough you realize that money comes and goes. It's essential to live, but it's not a be all end all or the substance of a good life. Work hard, help others, and be grateful for what you have. The rest will come.
Is retirement an option with you? Oh and by the way retirement is a matter of financial ability not age.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  May 21,2010, 9:59am
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ami1uwant I would comment on part of your OP but I would catch a great deal of $%#&.
 
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Daphnie is offline Daphnie Post #10  May 21,2010, 10:05am
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My rationalization is as long as my partner can live on less than what he makes, I am fine. I just can't be with someone who has a taste of wine with a budget of water. However, I have to admit I am torn between "A lot more" and "A lot less". I have realized that different life styles could become a compatibility issue.

My current boyfriend makes at least 5 times more than I do. It didn't bother me until we started spending almost every night together. My BF likes nice restaurants and fine food. On average, we spend about $300-500 a week on dining out. I tried to pay half of the times but soon realized that it was just too much for my income. He, on the other hand, doesn't mind at all. I still pay for our dinners, but only about 10-20% of the time.

The problem elevated in March when my boyfriend received an invitation that his best friend is having a wedding in Bali in June. All his friends in town are going to spend a week there. Only the air fare and boarding will be at least $3000 per person, which I cannot afford. My boyfriend offered to pay but I declined, which upset him because he thought we were one couple but obviously I didn't. I explained to him that I didn't feel comfortable spending his money like that. He felt frustrated that he was like forcing me to go to Bali with him. Finally he decided to go there by himself. I agree with the decision but somehow, I still feel hurt and excluded.

My girlfriends all say that I am being too petty and too strong-headed on this issue and should just relax and enjoy his money. I don't know... Should I?
 
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