First date conversation topics


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onespeed1986 is offline onespeed1986 Post #1  May 19,2010, 11:24am
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I met a woman on eharmony we exchanged a couple of eharmony emails, then a few phone texts before our first date. I took her to a casual dining restaurant and started trying to make conversation with her but it was like pulling teeth! Every question i tried to ask was a short answer and she didn't even try to really ask anything about me, maybe she was just shy or maybe she wasn't into me when we finally met but it could be I wasn't bringing up the right topics on the first date or asking the questions in the wrong way, for example I asked her "so why did you want to join eharmony, what are you looking for in a relationship?" and she said well you threw that at me like a rock! Any advice you people would have about safe first date conversation topics that would spark off friendly banter and get both people loosened up would be appreciated.
 
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SeeShore is offline SeeShore Post #2  May 19,2010, 11:31am
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Oooo Yeah. I agree.

First date topics should be light, easy, fun!

Stay away from relationship stuff. Definitely DON'T ask about previous relationships lol or tell me about yours! I was shocked the number of guys who do this as it is like the number one topic listed to stay away from if you read ANY advice site. lol But it's like every guy I ever met online wanted to tell me all about his recent divorce right away.

Ask about things like... what's the best trip you have ever taken? What kind of music do you like? Talk about the restaurant/meeting place. Places you have been, places you'd like to go... hobbies, etc.
 
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Sassafras54 is online now Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  May 19,2010, 11:33am
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Ouch! I don't think that was an out-of-line question. Especially of someone you met via EH! And I think it's reasonable to ask someone what kind of relationship they're looking for, since if you don't match on that, it's probably not going to work well.

Shy people ... open-ended questions work better: something that can't be answered with just "yes/no". Also non-verbal things can help with shy people: sit back, take it slower, be a little more quiet.

I can't tell from your post whether this is what happened with you ... but if you keep asking question after question it can start to feel like an interrogation. So mix talking about yourself with talking about stuff in general with asking her about herself.

An activity-oriented first date can help. Then you have something to do together, not just sit and look at each other ... and something to just naturally talk about.

But many people are not good at initial conversations. It doesn't mean they have no potential for you. Did you like her otherwise? Are you going out again?

PS Welcome to EHA!
 
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greg75 is offline greg75 Post #4  May 19,2010, 11:40am
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You have to keep it from being an interrogation. Leave that to the crime detectives (just kidding!) I wouldn't ask the "So why did you join eharmony?" That should be an obvious answer. And I also agree, no questions about relationships.

If you two go out to dinner, a good way of starting a conversation is to look at the menu and say something like, "Wow, this all looks good. I can't narrow it down. What looks good to you?" That's a good conversation starter. Keep it from being a job interview.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #5  May 19,2010, 11:44am
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Sounds like you two just were not a match. Dont take it personally. Sounds like you did fine.

NEXT!
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #6  May 19,2010, 11:47am
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greg75 wrote :
You have to keep it from being an interrogation. Leave that to the crime detectives (just kidding!) I wouldn't ask the "So why did you join eharmony?" That should be an obvious answer. And I also agree, no questions about relationships.

If you two go out to dinner, a good way of starting a conversation is to look at the menu and say something like, "Wow, this all looks good. I can't narrow it down. What looks good to you?" That's a good conversation starter. Keep it from being a job interview.
I will kind of second this and add that I kind of think the phrasing of the question can be taken as almost insulting (although it wouldn't bother me personally).

She likely joined eHarmony for the same reasons we all did. We are single and we'd like to not be single. Some people feel sensitive about their single status, probably bc society tends to imply something's wrong with yo if you are single, and some people feel sensitive about being part of an online dating service, like maybe there is something "wrong" that they cannot meet someone the conventional way.

So your question to me kind of pushes a button for both sensitivities at once, for certain people. I wouldn't ask the question that way. I would try to pick a more neutral question. Like how has your experience with eHarmony been so far? Even that might be a bit iffy with certain people. Maybe only ask if it seems like they are not the sort who would take it the wrong way, or if you decided you don't really care about the date's outcome.

I like the suggestion to pick an interest of theirs and ask about their favorite experience with it as a topic. I have been trying to think of other things to ask on first dates too, just to see if rapport can be established. It's kind of tricky with these dates, bc they are essentially blind and you don't know that much about the person except what's in the profile, which may be inaccurate or incomplete.
Last edited by nightling; May 19,2010 at 12:59pm.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #7  May 19,2010, 12:45pm
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onespeed1986 wrote :
I met a woman on eharmony we exchanged a couple of eharmony emails, then a few phone texts before our first date. I took her to a casual dining restaurant and started trying to make conversation with her but it was like pulling teeth! Every question i tried to ask was a short answer and she didn't even try to really ask anything about me, maybe she was just shy or maybe she wasn't into me when we finally met but it could be I wasn't bringing up the right topics on the first date or asking the questions in the wrong way, for example I asked her "so why did you want to join eharmony, what are you looking for in a relationship?" and she said well you threw that at me like a rock!
That was a perfectly valid question to ask. If she doesn't know what she wants, that's on her, not you. I would have asked her what she thought was wrong with the question.

I wouldn't ask about past relationships that early, but asking what they are looking for is fair.

In general you should ask mostly open-ended questions that can't be answered with just yes or no- and don't ask anything you wouldn't want to answer about yourself.

I also would not have taken her for a meal on the first meeting. This one sounds like she might have been more into the meal (assuming you paid for it) than into meeting you.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #8  May 19,2010, 12:49pm
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greg75 wrote :
You have to keep it from being an interrogation. Leave that to the crime detectives (just kidding!) I wouldn't ask the "So why did you join eharmony?" That should be an obvious answer. And I also agree, no questions about relationships.
That's one of the canned questions you can ask in GC, so I see nothing wrong with asking it in person. The answer is not the same for everyone.

It's something you have in common and doesn't presume that something is wrong with the person because she's on eharmony.

If people are going to go on dates, they shouldn't be so thin-skinned about being asked common questions.
 
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livenlearn is offline livenlearn Post #9  May 19,2010, 12:53pm
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mrflyer wrote :
That was a perfectly valid question to ask. If she doesn't know what she wants, that's on her, not you. I would have asked her what she thought was wrong with the question.

I wouldn't ask about past relationships that early, but asking what they are looking for is fair.

In general you should ask mostly open-ended questions that can't be answered with just yes or no- and don't ask anything you wouldn't want to answer about yourself.

I also would not have taken her for a meal on the first meeting. This one sounds like she might have been more into the meal (assuming you paid for it) than into meeting you.
I agree with it being a common question.
The very fact that you two met on EH actually can be a good starting point because that is the obvious thing you have in common.

The free dinner. That I dont agree with.
 
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onespeed1986 is offline onespeed1986 Post #10  May 19,2010, 1:24pm
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Ya it was actually a dinner and a movie, we ate and then saw the iron man 2 movie, i payed for both activivities. In retrospect I noticed someone said that an activity might be more appropriate for a first date, any suggestions on a first date activity? Also, some posters said use open ended questions, can you please provide me with a specific example as to what an open ended question looks like so i get an idea?
 
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