Conflicting future plans...should I let her go?


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Holdyourcolor is offline Holdyourcolor Post #1  May 19,2010, 9:58am
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We've been emailing each other for about 3 weeks now. The problem is that she plans to stay and live where she is now for the long term. I don't have plans to stay here. I want to experience something new. We haven't met yet, but she has told me she wants to. One other thing we conflict on is kids: I'm "maybe"; she's "yes". And she will not compromise on those two conflicts from what it seems. Should I keep going and see what happens, or is it best to end it now?
 
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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #2  May 19,2010, 9:59am
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How far apart do you live?
 
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Holdyourcolor is offline Holdyourcolor Post #3  May 19,2010, 10:01am
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About 15 miles right now. But I plan to move maybe 4 hours away from here in a few years.
 
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cardguy is offline cardguy Post #4  May 19,2010, 10:07am
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A few years is a lot of time for things to change, especially when you throw a relationship into the mix. From where I stand, I'd say go for it...you haven't even met her yet. Go on some dates, find out if you actually want to be in a relationship with her: then from there you can start figuring out if that's feasible in the long run...you don't need to have everything mapped out before date #1.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  May 19,2010, 10:13am
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You should not be going on a first date with someone because you think you are going to marry them. You should be dating:

1) to learn about the person.
2) to learn about yourself
3) to have fun on the date for the sake of the date.

You should go out with almost anyone at least once, maybe twice for the above reasons. You may move someplace else in a few years, a few years is a long time in the world of the first date and anything can happen between a first date today and a few years from now.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #6  May 19,2010, 10:24am
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Holdyourcolor wrote :
About 15 miles right now. But I plan to move maybe 4 hours away from here in a few years.
Um, maybe it's me, but...I'm curious as to why you haven't even met yet??
15 miles translates to 15 to 25 minutes travel time in most places..

My first impression of your post is that you're putting the cart before the horse...way before the horse...
You're talking about stuff happening a few years from now....and you haven't met yet!

If it were me, I'd meet her first before I start to even ponder all these "life event" questions you are asking.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  May 19,2010, 10:25am
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15 miles is not long distance, so e-mailing for 3 weeks without meeting is a waste of time. You have no idea if you'll actually like each other once you meet. Worrying about moving within the next few years at this point is putting the cart one mile in front of the horse. You don't really even know if you would ever want to date each other in real life, let alone get married.

As for wanting kids - what do you honestly want? This is a serious question that you need to be honest about. Right now it sounds like your maybe is really a no. If it's a no, then it is a deal breaker and meeting a woman who cares about having a family in that case is pointless for both of you. If your maybe actually means I want them just not right now, then meet her - time tables are negotiable.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #8  May 19,2010, 1:06pm
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Holdyourcolor wrote :
We've been emailing each other for about 3 weeks now. The problem is that she plans to stay and live where she is now for the long term. I don't have plans to stay here. I want to experience something new. We haven't met yet, but she has told me she wants to. One other thing we conflict on is kids: I'm "maybe"; she's "yes". And she will not compromise on those two conflicts from what it seems. Should I keep going and see what happens, or is it best to end it now?
Wow, you're getting way ahead of yourself.

Neither of you knows where you will be in a few years. You might fall in love with her and decide she's more important than moving away. Or she might decide she wants to move to the same place you do. Or you might totally change your mind about moving.

The kids thing is not a conflict- if she says yes and you say maybe. It would only be a conflict if you said no. And this is another area where many people change their mind. I've seen many couples get married swearing they didn't want kids, then they had them, and vice versa.

If you were definitely moving away next month, I'd say don't bother, but if you like this person you should meet her and see what happens. Even if you get into an LTR with her, who knows how long it might last?
 
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Daphnie is offline Daphnie Post #9  May 19,2010, 1:13pm
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When I first met my current boyfriend, he was a private contractor, looking for job opportunities in South Asia. The fifth month into the relationship, he took a staff position in an engineering firm. The sixth month, he bought a townhouse.

Does he still want to travel around the world? Yes, of course he does. Do I mind moving around with him if we are married? Probably not. Did either of us see this coming? Neither.

I'd say give both her and yourself a chance and see how it goes.
 
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