Are you dating me... and my KIDS?!


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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #1  May 18,2010, 5:46am
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I know there are a number of people who have chosen not to date single moms (or dads who have sole or joint custody) because of the extra "challenges" that they believe this causes on a relationship, and the perceived lack of flexibility that many people believe kids also cause. but... there are also people who do date single moms/dads, who haven't necessarily had children of their own, or their children are older and they have chosen to date someone with younger children.

For those individuals out there who have younger kids or are willing to date a woman (or man who has sole or joint custody), the younger kids who are still in the house, still dependent... you know the ones... the ones who require babysitters ...

Do you feel like you are signing someone up to date you and your kids? Do you feel like entering into a relationship requires that you also take care of the person's kids when you start dating that person? Are there people out there who really do believe that if you sign up to date... that the expectation is that you also take care of the kids?

Maybe it makes a difference in whether the other parent is in the picture. I saw a profile from a guy once who said he had 4 children, and was raising them by himself. He said that he is looking for a woman who could come into his life and his children's and be the woman figure... I don't know exactly what he was asking for, but it sounded as though he was shopping for a mom for his kids.

Now, I know that once a strong relationship develops and you move in together, or get married or something along those lines, then the person will probably be in the kids lives as they'll be around the kids... but still, what would the expectation be in terms of paying for the kids, shopping for the kids, college, babysitting, etc., etc., etc....

I've dated a guy that after a month, he not only wanted to meet my kids, but also wanted to make sure that I knew that he would babysit for me, and wanted to help me, wanted to look at colleges, etc. I just smiled, thanked him for his offer and told him that it was too early, and that I really do keep my children out of my dating life. Maybe my approach leaves something to be desired, but I really do think the two things are separate early on, and then, pretty separate down the line too... my kids are my and their dad's responsibility. I dunno... do guys really want to take on that responsibility? Do women really want you to?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  May 18,2010, 6:00am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Potential difficulties associated with dating a woman with kids really isn't a real concern for me. I agree with you that early on, such as when merely dating and a real relationship hasn't been established I wouldn't expect to be greatly involved in the lives of a date's children.

For me the bigger challenges come further down the relationship road. And, the fact is what I have looked for in the dating process is the eventual development of a LTR. I really don't think it is practically possible for one person's children to only be the responsibility of the other. You would presumably all live together, interact, the children would have to be supervised, all their expenses paid for, and likely their father dealt with as well.

And what if the new couple has children together? Will there be separate rules for how each set of children are dealt with? I really don't think it is likely possible or even desirable to treat the other's children differently.
 
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ltc89 is offline ltc89 Post #3  May 18,2010, 6:22am
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If I were dating a single mother with kids, I'd happily take an active role in the kids' lives.

But, for everyones' sake it would need to develop at an appropriate pace with the relationship, and the nature of the role itself would have to be appropriate within the context of the mother's family situation. If there were a father in the picture who had an active, important and positive role in the kids' lives, I'd never want to do anything to upstage or interfere with that.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #4  May 18,2010, 6:34am
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ltc89 wrote :
If I were dating a single mother with kids, I'd happily take an active role in the kids' lives.

But, for everyones' sake it would need to develop at an appropriate pace with the relationship, and the nature of the role itself would have to be appropriate within the context of the mother's family situation. If there were a father in the picture who had an active, important and positive role in the kids' lives, I'd never want to do anything to upstage or interfere with that.
I completely agree with this. I absolutely agree that if you are in a relationship that the guy would take an active role in the kids' lives. Of course, you will be around them, and an adult figure in their life. However, to me, in my situation, this wouldn't happen for a very, very long time, as I have no intention of bringing men around my children until I know that we are almost headed for the alter (not really... but almost really).

When I say separate, I'm talking about having an expectation that you are supposed to pay for the kids' college, vacations, school clothes, extras... birthday parties, etc. This to me is just not the guy's responsibility. Nor babysitting. Yes, as a companion, just like a friend, you can be there to help, but it just wouldn't be an automatic expectation. I guess that's the difference in what I am talking about. Would you just automatically expect these things because your responsibility (as a single mom) now becomes his responsibility (as someone you're dating who starts a relationship with you). I just don't see it that way.

Also, if I were to have more kids (I could... but not necessary), then the only difference is that my other kids still have their dad, and their dad still has a responsibility for raising them as well, providing for them as well. The guy I was with would hold that responsibility for our kids.
Last edited by jussmile; May 18,2010 at 6:39am.
 
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Antalicus is offline Antalicus Post #5  May 18,2010, 6:53am
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This is probably different for most guys but for me if a woman wants to keep part of her life separate from me then that says a lot right there. If i get in a relationship with a woman and she has kids then i want to know those kids and have them like me otherwise its like you are with a woman with 2 lives. How would you feel if you married a man that had another family on the other side of town?

Towards the beginning of the relationship maybe its okay to keep them out of the dating.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #6  May 18,2010, 6:56am

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Good topic, really.

I think guys are trying to figure out what women want but they do it based on the last woman kinda ignoring the fact that every woman wants something different.

I had a guy tell me I want to support you and your kids. I said if by support you mean a hug when I am pulling my hair out trying to get them to clean their room then yes I would love support. If you mean money you have got the wrong woman. We broke up a week later.

I think he wanted a woman who was dependent on him for everything. I guess this is just another compatability issue. I had a guy I went out with once say you will be such an amazing mother for my kids! Your kids already have a mom, next.

For me the fear of dating guys with kids is will I like their kids. There are a fair few kids out there that I think need a good spanking. I would not want to be in a position where I have to watch that all night and be powerless to do anything. What I have found is the guys I have dated who have kids have kids that I get along with. Seems like for the most part if you are compatable with a guy it is because of similar personalities so you tend to have similar parenting skills.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  May 18,2010, 7:33am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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jussmile wrote :
When I say separate, I'm talking about having an expectation that you are supposed to pay for the kids' college, vacations, school clothes, extras... birthday parties, etc.
The thing is, even if one is trying to do these things 'separately' they are still going to have a significant effect on both members of the couple. From the income perspective, much of what couples spend affects the other. One partner having large expenses (whether due to children, debts, business etc.) will have an affect on the other partner.

For example, I believe you have posted elsewhere that you want a man who can afford a similar lifestyle as yourself. How many children he has and the associated expenses will have an effect on the lifestyle he can afford.
 
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Antalicus is offline Antalicus Post #8  May 18,2010, 7:36am
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A single dad with kids for the most part would like a mother for his kids that he is in a relationship. Usually if a guy has kids that he has custody of, his wife is either gone or is not the parenting type so its natural to want the kids to have a mother.

I think when guys come into a relationship with a woman who has kids they want to minimize the amount of contact the wife has to have with her ex, and the best way of doing this is taking care of her kids.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #9  May 18,2010, 7:46am
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Antalicus wrote :
I think when guys come into a relationship with a woman who has kids they want to minimize the amount of contact the wife has to have with her ex, and the best way of doing this is taking care of her kids.
wow... wow... wow... you might just be on to something here...
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #10  May 18,2010, 7:57am

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jayjay wrote :
The thing is, even if one is trying to do these things 'separately' they are still going to have a significant effect on both members of the couple. From the income perspective, much of what couples spend affects the other. One partner having large expenses (whether due to children, debts, business etc.) will have an affect on the other partner.
You bring up a good point that I had not considered until now. When Troy and I get married the court counts Troy's income as mine. In other words I will lose my child support. I have no choice but to allow him to support my kids to some extent. Then again he doesn't seem to have a problem with this.

I think this goes back to your comment in another thread about a woman having something special for you to consider dating a single mother. I am not saying you would consider me special but Troy does. He loves the role he has in my life and my kids. Maybe it is just a matter of finding the right person for you and the pieces just fall in place.
 
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