why would a guy act all flirty, then back off?


Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
readytodate is offline readytodate Post #1  May 16,2010, 6:41am
readytodate's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Apr 2010

Posts: 91

See profile

posted about this guy way back when - as an update, it's an old high school crush who I reconnected with in person (not online, as if it matters!) in January this year. he'd just broke off an engagement, I'd just divorced.

we talked again in March and planned to get together to catch up over lunch. and within a week or two, he started sending me very, very flirty IM messages and provocative emails and phone calls and made it quite clear he was interested in me. not to get too graphic, but he'd joke about "it moving" when we'd talk, and say how much I was turning him on, and ask about coming over and climbing into my bedroom window at night, etc.

we didn't get together right then because he said he was super busy with work, and then, every week or two he'd email, but never set anything up. I finally gave up hope.

of course, right when I gave up on him, now he finally wants to get together. but his latest emails have not been flirty, just friendly, and he's talked about catching up being nice. oh, also, it's a bit of a business thing now. he's a photographer and I mentioned at some point that I need a photographer for a freelance gig at work, so he wants to talk to me about that.

he had emailed me just a few days before I told a colleague of his about the business possibility (was going to hire the colleague to do the job). in that earlier email last week, he said that he finally had vacation time coming up in the next week, and then he found out about the biz thing after that, so I THINK he might have still set it up without the biz incentive, but not 100% sure.

I have good reason to believe he's still totally hung up on the ex-fiance, so I think that's why he backed off on the flirty stuff. but I am not sure how to behave when we get together this week. I don't want to think there's any chance for romance, when there's not, because that could ruin a potentially nice friendship since I'll end up mad at him by the evening's end (not that he'd know - but I know myself and I'd be silently all bummed out if he doesn't make a pass at me or at least act flirty!) and he's a super funny, handsome, nice guy, so I would like to have him as a friend, if nothing else. (ideally, an FWB, but that's another story/wish!)

but then, on the other side of things, if I go in thinking it's JUST friendship, then I will be likely to say something stupid early on, to protect my own ego, either talking about other men I've dated recently, or ask lots about his fiance and try to give him advice on repairing that broken relationship, etc.

I really want a clear understanding of what he might be expecting before we meet up. It protects my ego and will help me act appropriately given the situation. I know the best thing to do would just be casual and not say or do anything inappropriate and wait and see how he acts/what he says. but I am 42 years old and know myself better than that. I act ridiculous when least expected/wanted when my ego is on the line!!!

So what do you guys think? Is there a chance he's still into me, even though he took two friggin' months to set up a get-together and is no longer acting particularly flirty? or is this purely a friend or business thing?

is it standard guy behavior to act very flirty and attracted to a woman, and then not follow through? I've never experienced that before.
Last edited by readytodate; May 16,2010 at 6:45am.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  May 16,2010, 6:50am
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,677

See profile

I would venture this person is unsure of his own feelings and intents toward you, or toward how to pursue any relationships at this time.

I don't consider that a major problem, since I think these things will often get better in time, no matter what.

Especially since you seem open to something like the Fun "friends with benefits," I suggest stating your available, and checking that he is available.

Personally, I would require him to be exclusive - and if he can not promise this, it would tend to undermine his claim of being busy.

***

As far as being flirty, but taking it no further, that's an easy explanation: not seeing someone as a possible partner. I would say that when I am flirty in the office, that is most of the situations. No possible outcome is known to apply.
Last edited by D_Lion; May 16,2010 at 6:52am.
 
  Reply With Quote
readytodate is offline readytodate Post #3  May 16,2010, 6:56am
readytodate's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Apr 2010

Posts: 91

See profile

thank for the fast advice, D-Lion! normally, I would never consider an FWB situation, but I spent the past ten years married and have not done THAT yet with another guy and, not be graphic, but I am dying over here! the ex didn't help me out on that front for the past few years. he was very selfish.

I figure if nothing else, getting those first few times with a new guy out of the way will make my real dating life easier. I have been fantasizing about every guy I've dated from eHarmony and other online websites to the point where I might do something stupid if left alone with them in a room! this guy is safe, and cool, and doesn't seem like he'll be emotionally available for a while yet to date seriously, so FWB would work for me and make me a little calmer on my dates with other potential guys!

kind of like the scene in "There's Something About Mary" - gotta release tension a bit so that you can be all cool and relaxed on the date!

oh, and I know office flirting. I've been on both sides of that. he was waaaaaaaaaaaaay beyond office flirting! we shared fantasies we had about each other way back when and talked about living a few of those fantasies out when we finally got together. it was very cool and promising and then, nothing!

and I can definitely see, after a couple of glasses of wine and if he's being flirty again, I could see flat out asking him if he's up for friends with bennies!
Last edited by readytodate; May 16,2010 at 7:00am.
 
  Reply With Quote
nightling is offline nightling Post #4  May 16,2010, 6:56am
nightling's Avatar

all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark.

Power Poster

Joined: Sep 2009

Misery

Posts: 6,943

See profile

You know it is not wrong to like someone and to just say so and see if the liking is returned.

So why don't you just ask him what his intentions are? Take a drink of your cabernet sauvignon look him straight in the eye and say so is this a just friends thing or are you interested in me?
 
  Reply With Quote
readytodate is offline readytodate Post #5  May 16,2010, 7:02am
readytodate's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Apr 2010

Posts: 91

See profile

nightling wrote :
You know it is not wrong to like someone and to just say so and see if the liking is returned.

So why don't you just ask him what his intentions are? Take a drink of your cabernet sauvignon look him straight in the eye and say so is this a just friends thing or are you interested in me?
yeah, that does sound like the best option. and I'm comfortable enough with him (heck, we've known each other since age 13!) to just flat-out ask. he's flirty by nature (the bain of the existence of a photographer), so as long as he's being his normal friendly self, I won't have any problem asking such a thing and getting it out of the way early.

good idea!!!!
 
  Reply With Quote
readytodate is offline readytodate Post #6  May 16,2010, 7:05am
readytodate's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Apr 2010

Posts: 91

See profile

oh, wait! just thought of something else - last time he saw me, I was 25 lbs heavier than I am now. I have gotten into really great shape since January. he isn't the superficial type, but still, guys are guys! I wonder if he worries that I'm still chubby??? he's seen a recent pic, but, as a photographer, of course he knows there are good pics and bad pics and a good one can hide 10-15 lbs in the right outfit/angle. so he might not realize just how sizzling hot I've become!

seriously, tho, maybe the weight thing was an issue? and it doesn't exist now and he doesn't know that, other than just having me mention working out and dieting and seeing the one pic. most people don't get into that good of shape in just four months, but I've worked very, very hard. my appearance is so drastically different that I've had old friends gasp who hadn't seen me since Christmas. I went from size 16 and chubby, to size 10 and pretty darn hot again.

still finishing off the diet/exercise thing, but am not embarrassed to say that I look about a gazillion times better now than I did in January!
 
  Reply With Quote
TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #7  May 16,2010, 7:06am
TheThinker's Avatar

Just what you want to be...you will be in the end

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2009

The Island of Rhode

Posts: 6,423

See profile

readytodate wrote :


I don't want to think there's any chance for romance, when there's not, because that could ruin a potentially nice friendship since I'll end up mad at him by the evening's end (not that he'd know - but I know myself and I'd be silently all bummed out if he doesn't make a pass at me or at least act flirty!) and he's a super funny, handsome, nice guy, so I would like to have him as a friend, if nothing else. (ideally, an FWB, but that's another story/wish!)

uh...okie doke...

wrote :
I really want a clear understanding of what he might be expecting before we meet up. It protects my ego and will help me act appropriately given the situation. I know the best thing to do would just be casual and not say or do anything inappropriate and wait and see how he acts/what he says.
wrote :
but I am 42 years old and know myself better than that.
Really?

wrote :
I act ridiculous when least expected/wanted when my ego is on the line!!!
alrighty then...

wrote :
So what do you guys think? Is there a chance he's still into me, even though he took two friggin' months to set up a get-together and is no longer acting particularly flirty? or is this purely a friend or business thing?
I think you'd better figure out what YOU want....before you try and figure out what this guy thinks.
Yeah....
Last edited by TheThinker; May 16,2010 at 7:12am.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  May 16,2010, 7:24am
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,677

See profile

readytodate wrote :
seriously, tho, maybe the weight thing was an issue?

I would always believe so.

Note, that there can be more than one reason not to try to start a relationship with someone, including topics on attraction, lifestyle, goals, and what one is themself looking for.

My personal view is that if he is caught up in ex-feelings, he is not a good candidate for even a casual partner.

I am also not keen on the idea that having such a partner would make "dating easier." I would not accept a women who was doing that as a partner of mine.

I still think it's a fine choice you're contemplating, but I think it is one that should be drawn to a close prior to looking for other partners. As such, it will mean deliberate wasted time if it does not ultimately become a relationship.
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  May 16,2010, 7:34am
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

Why am I reading player in this guy?

First off if I am interested and something is "moving" and talking to you is "turning me on" then there is not such thing as being "super busy" where it is going to keep me from making time to get together with you. UNLESS OF COURSE I AM JUST A PLAYER.
 
  Reply With Quote
readytodate is offline readytodate Post #10  May 16,2010, 7:44am
readytodate's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Apr 2010

Posts: 91

See profile

D_Lion wrote :
I am also not keen on the idea that having such a partner would make "dating easier." I would not accept a women who was doing that as a partner of mine.

I still think it's a fine choice you're contemplating, but I think it is one that should be drawn to a close prior to looking for other partners. As such, it will mean deliberate wasted time if it does not ultimately become a relationship.
oh, I would definitely cut off any FWB situation if I went out with someone else and liked them. I'd end it immediately, before I even kissed the other guy!!! and I would NOT tell them that I'd just had an FWB situation!!! it wouldn't be any of their business anyway.

well, we'll see. it's supposedly going to happen on tuesday night, so we'll see if he comes through. literally.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« totally stumped about what old h.s. crush wants/expects | Dating | He tells you he's not dating anyone else... »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
So now she wants me back... Bearwolf102 Ask a Dating Expert 41 April 25,2010 12:32pm
What to do when he doesn't write back.... faith_2share BaptistViewPoints 2 April 13,2010 4:21pm
Slicking Hair Back Should it Done By Men? justme27 Guide to Style 16 January 30,2010 4:59pm
My voice is back and you're gonna be in trouble, hey la, hey la, My VOICE is back! jsbach AAA Completely Stupid Conversations 24 January 24,2010 6:21pm
Want to get back with GF after 1 year apart. Need advice... Holdyourcolor Relationships 19 January 19,2010 3:53pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Come on, just because the guy is old and hasn't dated doesn't make him a toad. Lots of people have divorced and not dated in years due to job, kids, or whatever. You said he seemed nice. Maybe he is ... ” –  Altair

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“No, you have missed the point entirely. (Which is again evidence that raising children is far easier than most things.) Only a tiny fraction of motivated, able people succeed in reaching space. ... ” –  scubaroo

Join the “who pays?” discussion

“You need to try harder ... cus harder is always mo bettah!” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Friday Night Roll Call !!! Sweaty Summer Fun edition!” discussion

“I went hunting the other day and I bagged a deer.” –  myusernamehere

Join the “Good News” discussion

“Well, I'd start by trying to learn the reason. If he doesn't like "desk jobs," or respect corporations for perceived ethics, then maybe an entreprenurial venture is more his style? If he simply ... ” –  D_Lion

Join the “How to motivate a person?” discussion

“How to be happy with him? Chicks dig firefighters ...” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Ways to motivate him?” discussion

“Hi Suzanne, please see comments below in red. Overall, you seem to be a deep, sensitive and spiritual person. You have interesting hobbies and occupations. Remember there are hundreds and thousands ... ” –  SearchingHoping

Join the “Seeking review of my profile: 52 yr old woman, Pittsburgh area” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:34pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0