When to give up on a match?


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NYCGirl77 is offline NYCGirl77 Post #1  January 2,2008, 12:46pm
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OK, I'm new to these boards, not so new to this site. Happy New Year all!
Here's my issue: A month ago I was matched up with this guy I thought was great. I initiated communication ... things went well and we met. After date 1 I sent him a thanks for lunch email, he said "same here, keep in touch" I called him one Sunday and we made plans for date 2. We went out this past Friday for date 2, I had a decent time. He hugged me goodbye, said he'd call sometime, but hasn't called since then. I emailed him a Happy New Year greeting and he did write back a "same to you" email, but did not write anymore than that. Is it my imagination or am I the one pursuing him? I've heard of laid back, but this is getting annoying now, I'm getting a ton of mixed signals, like he put his arm around me and said some sweet things, but then he falls off the planet. I'm about to give up on this one. Anyone have any advice, I'd love to hear it.
 
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pdw is offline pdw Post #2  January 2,2008, 3:11pm
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Well, I had the same thing happen with a nice woman I met, except I didn't even get the "same to you" email. The only thing I can figure is that they are not interested, but are afraid to come out and tell us. I talked to a friend about this and she said maybe this woman was just very busy with the holidays, etc. My thoughts are that if you're really interested in someone, you can take five minutes to send a quick email. My other thought is that they are also seeing other people and trying to determine who they are more interested in. It's probably good to meet different people, but I tend to focus on one person and see where it leads before I meet someone else.
 
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corvalueokie is offline corvalueokie Post #3  January 2,2008, 5:12pm
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I say to stop waisting your time. He's not interested. It sounds like he just doesn't have the ability to say your a nice person to go out with but he's not interested in a relationship. His way of saying this is "same here, keep in touch" To both men and women: Please don't waist our time if your not interested. Please don't go out just to be going out. I understand that everyone is busy with the holidays but like PDW was saying, what is 5 minutes? If you were serious about finding the right person, you would take at least a little time to send an short e-mail.
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #4  January 2,2008, 7:04pm

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Sounds unfortunately like one of those "he's just not that into you" scenarios. Like that book, I'm firmly of the belief that if someone is truly interested he'll be responsive and really seek out time to talk with you. I suppose he's maybe not that interested yet as things are still new, but I might lessen up on the pursuit. Or maybe send an email that you're getting the vibe that maybe he's not that interested and then see what he says. He might have a lot of other stuff going on right now.
 
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charmin11 is offline charmin11 Post #5  January 3,2008, 1:11am
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I would have to say that it is time to move on, if they were truly interested, like PDW put it, they could make at least 5 minutes to write an E-Mail back. But look at it this way, it's their lose. It is too bad for them, and life goes on. At least you didn't waste too much time persuing them anyways, there is somebody out there that will be better for you in the long run. Good luck, and happy hunting. By the way, "Happy New Year".
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NYCGirl77 is offline NYCGirl77 Post #6  January 3,2008, 7:40am
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I agree PDW, I've pretty much given up on this guy and am moving on. The thing I can't stand is the mixed signals. On date 2 we met up in the city, and he was so sweet, held open doors, walked me to the bus stop, put his arm around me and gave me a hug. And then he fell off the planet. I'm old enough to know when someone isn't interested, and wish people would stop playing these games. To top it off on his profile he says he's not a player... I'm beginning to think if you say you're not a player it means you are one. I'm getting frustrated and am hoping I didn't waste my money on this site.
 
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MW77009 is offline MW77009 Post #7  January 3,2008, 12:29pm
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NYCGIRL77, as a guy, I would suggest giving him a little more time.
The holidays make everything weird and I think the timing issue needs to be slackened a little. I have a match who has done some weird timing things with me in terms of returning calls and emails. Under ordinary circumstances, I would have sent her an email saying that she clearly was not interested so I am moving on. Because of the holidays, I decided to cut her some slack. It does not cost me anything anyway so why not? Also, guys are sometimes given dating advice that tells us to be cool (even when under that we are wobbly kneed) and not come on too strong too early because it is believed in some circles that women find this to be a turn off. It sounds like from what you describe that, in person, he was appropriately affectionate and a perfect gentleman, not at all aloof or unaffectionate. Give it a bit of time. Do a little more pursuing (its a nice change of pace) and see where it goes. If he does not get back to you in 4-5 days, send him a note saying that you are not picking up much interest from him and thus would be moving on. In the interim, I think it is smart to go ahead and start working any other matches you have going as it pays to have several balls in the air.

Good luck
 
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carchrjos is offline carchrjos Post #8  January 3,2008, 4:13pm
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PDW...I would say cya...Trust me, he has one foot out the door and one foot on a banana peel..His interest is elsewhere...Glad you see it now than later...
 
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mytwocents is offline mytwocents Post #9  January 4,2008, 2:54am
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MW77009: I didn't know guys got the advice to play it cool when they were really wobbly kneed underneath! I thought that was something only us "go-getter" females were told! How nice it would be to have some guy wobbly kneed over me! NYCGIRL77: My reaction to your description of the date was the same as MW's. Sounds like this guy was a perfect gentleman. Even if he isn't calling you yet, keep in mind he has other people (family, friends, coworkers, etc) that were already in his life before he started eHarmony. He also has other matches he might be communicating with. I suggest you do the same. I guess you are getting first hand experience of how many men feel in the dating scene. Sounds like it stinks! If nothing else, use the experience to learn how not to treat a guy when he's initiating/pursuing. I think all of us women need to be mindful of this.
 
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MW77009 is offline MW77009 Post #10  January 4,2008, 10:38am
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The other thing you have to consider is that you may not know much about his history. He may feel the need to go slowly for any number of reasons. That may actually be a sign of some degree of maturity storming into relationships is not really a great idea. I also do not pick up disinterest at all. He appears to return your communications. You have been out on two dates after a recent match up and he treats you well and is physically demonstrative. All of this happened in the space of one month which was packed with the holidays. I think thats pretty good. Whether he feels he has to play it cool so he does not scare you away or he is going slowly because that is what he feels he needs to do I would not be pushing the eject button just yet. If you do not hear from him after about five or so days, give him a call or drop an email. In the meantime, do not put your eggs in one basket. Correspond with other matches, go out on first dates, have fun. Most importantly, have faith that it will all work out in the end. Let us know what happens.
 
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