Turquoise64 is offline Turquoise64 Post #1  May 15,2010, 5:00pm
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Ok here goes. I hope this dosnt sound too confusing or convoluted. I am at a total loss even how to express this.. so hopefully some may understand.
I had known this guy for nearly 30yrs. We worked together on a project many years ago and were pretty good friends back then.. There was mild flirting etc going on but thats about all. I was dealing with a lot of issues re abuse from my brother and father, so really, had no idea at all how to 'connect' properly with men. He married a couple years after that. I in the meantime have travelled, worked and married myself. In the intervening years our paths had crossed and we always still had that 'connection' understanding of each other, whatever you want to call it. Eventually I moved back to the same town and we crossed paths several times, but due to fact he was married I respected that and didnt go beyond simple social nicities with him.
I moved to another town two years ago, and to cut long story short have since discovered he got divorced. I touched base with him to see how he is going etc. And yes, I admit, with curiosity as well. After a good three hour long talk and a lot of heavy flirting instigated by him, I thought hmm maybe? There was a lot of flirting going on and more than just a little pass. He insinuated that he always admired my body and that friendship is a great way to begin a relationship/dating etc.
Then the bombshell hit! A week later I get an email from him saying he hopes to hear from me again and 'by the way, I am dating a former friend of yours'. All that would be good and I would be happy for him.. but eeww she is a former friend for a reason. The more I had gotten to know her, the less I liked her over the years.
I know her history: to cut long story short: she has three kids by three different men; her mother has 5 kids by three different men; she has never worked an honest days work in her life; her whole family are welfare dependent/losers; I have seen her try to manipulate a boyfriend into signing half his house over to her name; I have witnessed her telling this same boyfriend to sign his car insurance papers to include her car; her kids are all off the rails, into drugs and sex; I have heard from her very mouth that she got off the pill in the hope of getting pregnant from this boyfriend so that he can be daddy number four for the fourth kid. Hence collecting 4 lots of maintenance from all these men. She has tattoos on her breasts, hips, back, legs. She is also very grossly overweight, through such a sedentary lazy lifestyle. The house is always a pigstye and if not chasing married men, single men, attached men, while going out with this boyfriend she had, she is sleeping in bed!
She has no morals at all, this woman... every man is fair game to her regardless if he is married, single, attached, in a relationship or not. Indeed even while she was going out with said boyfriend if she was out with me, every man that talks to me she takes over ... to the extent of racing over to the two of us and landing fully on his lap!! To be honest some of them are like what the .......??
I feel so absolutely sick to the guts my friend is dating this woman!! I could not even think at work after this news!
I am also confused as to his behaviour with me. In my own mind I cannot possibly move forward in my friendship with him while he is going out with this golddigger looking for a meal ticket. At the same time I am feeling sick that he is being sucked into some kind of relationship with her knowing she will rip him for all he's got, like his ex wife did to him. Yes, I feel very protective of him... he is my friend after all.
Yes I am curious as to how we would go if we were to date. There is still a lot of attraction between us, as well as that old spark.
But.. what to do? Do I tell him of this manipulative, game playing meal ticket finder or do I keep quiet?
Any suggestions or helpful hints would be most appreciated.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  May 15,2010, 5:07pm
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Turquoise64 wrote :
she is sleeping in bed!

This is more common than you might think.

I do it myself, when I make it upstairs.

***

As to how to protect a not-quite-friend from a Leech, I think you are fighting a Sysiphean task to do so - and one which is likely to damage your friendship too.

It does sound worthwhile to try, based on the train wreck you described.

***

I would present some clear data, and suggest talking through the facts therein.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #3  May 15,2010, 5:10pm
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it seems like he should know what she is like? he knows shes a former friend. how did they meet?
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #4  May 15,2010, 5:23pm
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Hi Turquoise,

This is a tricky situation ... unless you know factually that your concerns are true, I wouldn't raise them with your friend. If you do decide to inform him of some of her (factual) behaviours, do not do so in writing. Have a conversation with him and you need to be able to come across as someone who has genuine concerns for him, not someone who is jealous, disgusted and/or engaging in gossip. Be prepared that he may thank you and make it clear he doesn't want to discuss it further.

Welcome to EHA!

Cheers, Meri.
 
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Turquoise64 is offline Turquoise64 Post #5  May 15,2010, 5:48pm
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Hi D-Lion
Thank you for your advice. Yes it does sound rather futile. I am now single myself. Both he and I are professionals. He as an engineer and myself as a contracts administrator. And yes agreed this individual who has got her claws into him is definitely a leech. I am still baffled and at a total loss as to what he finds attractive in her. They have not one ounce of common interests. This woman 'adopts' whatever interests they guys she is seeing - has none of her own.. so yep completely at a loss, and confused as to how stupid he can be. Know what I mean? Have you ever been annoyed at a mate's stupidity because you care what they are doing or have done? Thats what I am feeling. And yes I admit, there is a selfish part in this too.. she knew I had always had a connection with him and like all men I have met she seeks to destroy any potential.
So yes... just perhaps laying the facts down to him sounds sensible, however, I would prefer in person. He wants to meet up with me next time in town 'for old times' sake, whatever that may mean in 'manspeak'.. I should perhaps have a quiet word with him than rather than msn or txt.
Thanks again D-Lion
I hope I am doing the right thing?
 
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Turquoise64 is offline Turquoise64 Post #6  May 15,2010, 5:51pm
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Hello Nanette
Thank you for your reply.
She 'engineered' meeting him through the net, by using my name as a form of 'connecting' to him. She had also told him that I had moved to a town somewhere else to be living with a guy... which is blatently untrue. I moved to another town to the one she said and it was for professional work reasons.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  May 15,2010, 5:56pm
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Inserting yourself into a situation between two people is aksing for trouble.

Regardless what you know about this woman, he is with her ... he may have the ability to protect himself from this sort of women, or he may not, but you are intruding.

Better for him to learn to reject the gold-digger on his own.
 
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Turquoise64 is offline Turquoise64 Post #8  May 15,2010, 5:56pm
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Hello Meri
Thank you for your insight. These are definitely facts. I know this person, I had seen and heard her in action. If you read my post correctly you will see that on one point for example, she has told me herself that she wants to go off the pill in order to get pregnant by a previous boyfriend so that he can be daddy number four for a fourth child, thereby collecting more maintenance from yet another man.
As for jealousy.. no there is none.. I would wish my friend all the very best with his relationships, however, with this particular individual he is dating, it is true, I am thoroughly disgusted he can be so stupid and blind, in the same way I would be in concern for any friend. And no.. I never engage in idol gossip. But I do take your point... it can very well come across as that way.. so yes it is very very tricky. And I am not sure how to go about it.
 
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Turquoise64 is offline Turquoise64 Post #9  May 15,2010, 6:02pm
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Hi Lion
Yes I had thought about this aspect too.. which is why I am in turmoil to start with. I am tossing between wanting to let him know or to just leave it ... If I just leave it .. he will be so screwed by her.. because if things go awry between them, without my intrusion I might say.. she will definitely go for the jugular at him like she did with the other guy. Example, she got into the other guys bank accounts, mail accounts, emails and caused all kinds of havoc. Borrowed 5000 from him and when they broke up she refused to pay him back...
Ohh man.. I just wish my friend was going out with someone decent.
At the same time Lion, what do you think of him coming onto me? Making passes at me and suggesting I 'indulge' in certain sexual things with him? Do you think he is merely curious or what? Male behaviour I know, but I dont understand it.
Cheers
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  May 15,2010, 6:10pm
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Turquoise64 wrote :
At the same time Lion, what do you think of him coming onto me? Making passes at me and suggesting I 'indulge' in certain sexual things with him? Do you think he is merely curious or what? Male behaviour I know, but I dont understand it.
Cheers

It sounds like you might have the makings of an inkling of the formation of an understanding of how this specific gold-digger knows how to give CENSORED, which he is falling for?

***

I still see this as risk on your part to try to help him.

Sorry.
 
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