Not sure what she wants... Advice please!


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ineedmony is offline ineedmony Post #1  May 13,2010, 8:08am
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First, thanks for reading everyone.

I'm trying to avoid getting hurt here. I've recently become romantically involved with someone who's been a friend for the past couple years. I am 28, she is 30. We are both graduate students in a small class that works VERY closely together. The very small group of us spend almost all of our time together, doing deeply personal, artistic work.

As I said, recently we've become romantically involved (going on some dates, becoming intimate physically, though we haven't had sex yet). I'm falling very fast for her. Faster, I am pretty sure, than she for me. Because of the close proximity in which we work and the implications our relationship could have not just on us but for the entire group, we're trying to be careful about how we proceed and both being very forthcoming with our feelings and where we stand and where we see the relationship headed.

We've only started getting close over the past 3 weeks, but already I've told her that I'm interested in a relationship and that I was falling quickly for her. In response she basically said "Don't fall too fast because I'm truly not sure what I want."

She's a fantastic woman and we both, above anything, have a great deal of respect for each other and don't want to damage or friendship and our professional relationship. I fully trust she's not trying to use me or take advantage of me. That said... usually when people say "I'm not sure if I want a relationship right now" ... it simply means "I'm not sure I want a relationship with you."

While we do have a lot in common, we also have some pretty distinct differences as well, though as we're getting to know each other more intimately, those differences are seeming less and less (at least to me). I sense her interest in getting to know me and her genuine desire to at least "see" if she wants a relationship with me. BUT, in my gut I sense that there is some criteria for her "dream partner" that I somehow don't live up to.

I'm trying to be careful because I don't want to get hurt AND I don't want this to turn into a disastrous situation for the group we're a part of but I am also finding myself crazy about her right now, and as I said, falling really fast. Am I dooming myself here?

We're taking things very slowly, but my emotions and imagination are getting ahead of me. Advice?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  May 13,2010, 8:28am
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Take a deep breath and relax a little. What you are describing is a classic crush at the moment and a month from now you may well cool off yourself. Try not to be so intense even though I know it's hard.

As for fear of getting hurt....that is the risk we all take in every single relationship. There is simply no guarantee that any relationship will work out and be happily ever after. If you don't take that risk you will also never get the rewards of a happy relationship. Worrying about getting hurt however is not only extremely unproductive, but also can be self destructive. Think about it this way - there is a great chance that when you drive a car, you will get into an accident. However you don't sweat about it every time that you get into the car. If you did, you would become so distracted with your fear that you would actually cause the accident to happen. This is basically the same thing.

Finally, three weeks is just way too soon to be asking anyone about their long term plans for you and the relationship. So relax relax relax and just go with the flow. Don't push for things or you may drive the person away. Just because she is not going at 2000 miles an hour like you, does not make her interest in you any less genuine. So don't be and act paranoid, because that will kill any and every budding relationship.

As for the professional thing - it is your individual choice on how you handle both the relationship and a break up that may happen. You choose whether to have an ugly ending or one where you can continue to maintain a perfectly fine working relationship with a person that does not affect anything or anybody. That simply boils down to personal maturity and choice choice choice.
 
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slaw is offline slaw Post #3  May 13,2010, 4:46pm
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Ha ha. Dude, don't worry about the group. They already know and are discussing it when you aren't around. If you think they don't know you are kidding yourself. Trust me, when you are fooling around with someone in that context, everyone knows. And ditto to everything DF said.
 
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DrTonto is offline DrTonto Post #4  May 14,2010, 2:18am

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Are you making a mountain out of a mole hill.
I assume that your using the board do in part to your loss of objectivity?

Your group can sense the chemistry and see the interaction between the two of you, but there is nothing wrong with friends developing a deeper affection for each other and it spreads warmth and good will to the group. There is nothing wrong with falling in love and or a romantic friendship.

Now what is the problem? Your lack of experience and self confidence. Why are you going to get hurt? It is far better to love and lost, then to never have loved at all. It's the stuff that dreams are made of. Food taste better, you sleep better and you begin to experience life on a higher plain it called feeling groovy.
If it does not work out you will have the experience to know, what you want to have in a future relationship.

What do you have to do to make it work? Nothing different, be her good and trusted friend to both her and the group. Except she is a friend with kissing privileges, you really have not been intimate with her, so be kind and let the friendship grow. I would invite her away for a weekend, maybe find a bed and breakfast with the spring and summer approaching it would be nice to have one on one time with her and without the group or any stress.

If it's meant to be, it will be!
Last edited by DrTonto; May 14,2010 at 2:28am.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  May 14,2010, 7:03am
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I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

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I am very adamant about not dating someone you work with, this is the same situation. You need to wait until you have completed your graduate program to pursue this relationship. It may be that she is seeing that at the moment completing her graduate work is the focus and becoming romantically involved with someone she is working closely with on her graduate program is not a good thing.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #6  May 14,2010, 8:06am
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Hi Ineedmony!

Actually if your imagination and emotions are getting way ahead of you, as you said, then you are not taking this slowly. You may be containing your behavior but you are diving right in!

Are you ok with doing that? There is always a risk of pain in relationships. No wait ... there is always pain in relationships; it's not just a risk.

A couple things to consider: (1) she's said she's not ready for a relationship with you at this time. You really have to take people at their word on stuff like this. (2) Do you know her at all outside of the deeply personal, artistic work group you're in together? If not you really only see a small part of her, and it's easy to get caught up in fantasy, when there's limited info.

OTOH ... Love is great! It's worth some risks. What's the worst that can happen? Is "the worst" something you can tolerate and/or recover from?

Good luck. Come back and let us know what happens...
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #7  May 14,2010, 8:27am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I am very adamant about not dating someone you work with, this is the same situation. You need to wait until you have completed your graduate program to pursue this relationship.
Not the same thing at all- they are students, not coworkers.

Do you realize how many couples meet in college? That is stunningly bad advice!
 
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