Nate879 is offline Nate879 Post #1  May 12,2010, 10:59pm
Nate879's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Mar 2010

Posts: 33

See profile

Hi again,

I was watching an episode of Friends, and one of the comments that one of the characters made raised a question for me. One of the characters was telling another that he should become friends with women before dating him, and that he should try to build a foundation first.

Isn't that "dangerous" though? I mean, I thought you should avoid becoming friends if you're interested in them so you don't end up in the friend zone. Sure, a basic friendship would be good, but still, how would find the balance? How would you build a friendship before dating that would lead into dating and not the friend zone?

I know Friends isn't the best place to pick up dating tips, but the comment made me curious.

What do you think?
 
  Reply With Quote
pds857 is offline pds857 Post #2  May 13,2010, 12:22am
pds857's Avatar

Have Mercy! Its sure been a Long time!

Enthusiast

Joined: Jun 2009

Ky

Posts: 759

See profile

I say, Friends first.

Yea it is dangerous.

But if ya aint friends at some point then what are ya
gonna do later when the 'new' wears off?

My guy an I, friends for the last 14 yrs. There is a small gap
in communication for bout 6yrs or so, he got married, now he's
divorced an he happened to step back into my life last year,
an we are takin it way slow but its great.
He knows me Very well an is findin out things bout me that he
didnt know before, an vice versa.

I love him, I always have, but its a different love now.
I'm happy, he's happy, I think us bein friends has made it
better for us, maybe not in short term but in the long term
its way worth it.
 
  Reply With Quote
notyet is offline notyet Post #3  May 13,2010, 12:30am
notyet's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 5,276

See profile

^^ a healthy attitude...
 
  Reply With Quote
gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #4  May 13,2010, 2:34am
gothustartus's Avatar

is thinking about someone special

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2009

London, England

Posts: 1,753

See profile

I think the thing is focus or rather not focusing or micro focusing, whatever you define it as. You can explore friendship without locking someone in the friend zone and never thinking of them romantically or sexually, you just have to let it lead you where it wants to go without forcing labels onto the path or destination and then relating to it by the label instead of where it is or what's going on.
It may be prone to more uncertainty than is comfortable before it gets somewhere but personally i think it makes the journey more enjoyable.
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  May 13,2010, 3:33am
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,451

See profile

i think if you are romantically attracted to someone its difficult to be friend zoned. you can be friends without acting romantic but the romantic doesnt go away, so "friends first" should not be a problem if you are looking for something with more depth
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  May 13,2010, 4:22am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,750

See profile

I think people need to stop trying to separate the two as if they are somehow disparate entities. If you are romantically interested in someone you date and make your romantic interest clear. AS you are spending time with each other doing different things - friendship, relationship, trust, comfort, greater intimacy - all of these grow together. They are not disparate entities that you can separate out into different boxes and bring up as is convenient.

The problem is that when the above doesn't happen, people are looking for blame. If only we had been friends first then somehow magically the relationship would have worked. Wrong wrong wrong. Your relationship would not have worked no matter what. There are a whole lot of parts to a relationship and all those parts have to work simultaneously for both people in order for the relationship to succeed.
 
  Reply With Quote
truthaboutcupid is offline truthaboutcupid Post #7  May 13,2010, 4:30am
truthaboutcup…'s Avatar

34 and loving life!

Quick Study

Joined: Apr 2010

New York, NY

Posts: 127

See profile

DancingFool wrote :
I think people need to stop trying to separate the two as if they are somehow disparate entities. If you are romantically interested in someone you date and make your romantic interest clear. AS you are spending time with each other doing different things - friendship, relationship, trust, comfort, greater intimacy - all of these grow together. They are not disparate entities that you can separate out into different boxes and bring up as is convenient.

The problem is that when the above doesn't happen, people are looking for blame. If only we had been friends first then somehow magically the relationship would have worked. Wrong wrong wrong. Your relationship would not have worked no matter what. There are a whole lot of parts to a relationship and all those parts have to work simultaneously for both people in order for the relationship to succeed.
Agree. This friends first thing means, I'm just not that into you but hope to be? ugh. As if you grow that lust overtime. For the other poster who was friends with someone and that guy got married to someone else........he chose another woman to marry, not the friend? No shocker there. And now he's divorced and settling for other options. You need to have chemistry and that happens pretty quickly as to whether or not you have that. Forcing that chemistry through friendship is a bad recipe. If it's there, it's been there the whole time (just kept on down-low). If it hasn't been there, then it will never be there. Chemistry doesn't just appear 4 years after being friends.

The truth is that many OLDER couples care less and less about that physical chemistry and more about the friendship which is why best friends tend to marry LATER in life. Those in their 20's and 30's still require physical chemistry in addition to friendship. Being just friends is the kiss of death in your younger years. It means, I'll just keep you around until all other options have failed. Now how does that make someone feel
 
  Reply With Quote
FruitaBu is offline FruitaBu Post #8  May 13,2010, 4:58am
FruitaBu's Avatar

is happy.

Virtuoso

Joined: Mar 2008

Florida

Posts: 2,668

See profile

I think the point is that building a foundation in the early days of the relationship based on getting to really know the person can be a good way to begin before all the physical attraction/sex gets brought into the mix. When physical intimacy becomes a part of the relationship before emotional intimacy then there can be a weak link long term.

If the attraction is already there on both sides, then friendship won't kill that. I think it will increase the attraction. Plus, enjoying a friendship early on takes a little pressure off the situation.
 
  Reply With Quote
DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  May 13,2010, 5:08am
DancingFool's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 5,750

See profile

FruitaBu wrote :
If the attraction is already there on both sides, then friendship won't kill that. I think it will increase the attraction. Plus, enjoying a friendship early on takes a little pressure off the situation.
What pressure???
When you are truly attracted and interested in a person you want to be with them, you want to get to know them, you want to spend time with them and be intimate with them when you are comfortable. There is no pressure because you actually enjoy the whole process of a growing relationship.

To put the brakes on that and say "oh no, let's just be friends for an x amount of time" and then at some point do what? Magically push a relationship button and voila? It seems to me contrived and unnatural.

This is not to be confused with situations where people naturally started out as friends or acquaintances because of work or mutual friends or hobbies and at some point since the attraction and timing were right, went for more.
 
  Reply With Quote
greg75 is offline greg75 Post #10  May 13,2010, 5:15am
greg75's Avatar

is feeling awesome!

Enthusiast

Joined: Jan 2010

Martinsville, VA

Posts: 930

See profile

It's been my experience that being friends first kind of kills any hope of a romantic relationship. If a woman tells me she just wants to be friends for now, then that's telling me she is not interested in me at all.

Then again, I have had women tell me they just want to be friends with benefits. But, that's a dangerous thing, because one or the other is going to become attached and get their feelings hurt.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Discerning or Judging? | Dating | I don't want to "poof" »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Friends for three years, brokeup after an "unofficial" relationship for six weeks, best friends still possible? italianstalion Ask a Dating Expert 18 July 30,2011 5:12pm
Friends to you but enemies to your love life? eHA_Admin_Lori Dating 27 August 11,2010 10:05pm
Friendship Question: Ethnocentric Friends justme27 About You 19 March 24,2010 12:05pm
Friends of the opposite sex jayjay Dating 14 September 4,2009 5:16pm
Having Friends DennisWisconsin A Man's Point of view 3 May 24,2009 7:54am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Come on, just because the guy is old and hasn't dated doesn't make him a toad. Lots of people have divorced and not dated in years due to job, kids, or whatever. You said he seemed nice. Maybe he is ... ” –  Altair

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion

“No, you have missed the point entirely. (Which is again evidence that raising children is far easier than most things.) Only a tiny fraction of motivated, able people succeed in reaching space. ... ” –  scubaroo

Join the “who pays?” discussion

“You need to try harder ... cus harder is always mo bettah!” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Friday Night Roll Call !!! Sweaty Summer Fun edition!” discussion

“I went hunting the other day and I bagged a deer.” –  myusernamehere

Join the “Good News” discussion

“Well, I'd start by trying to learn the reason. If he doesn't like "desk jobs," or respect corporations for perceived ethics, then maybe an entreprenurial venture is more his style? If he simply ... ” –  D_Lion

Join the “How to motivate a person?” discussion

“How to be happy with him? Chicks dig firefighters ...” –  ThePriestess

Join the “Ways to motivate him?” discussion

“Hi Suzanne, please see comments below in red. Overall, you seem to be a deep, sensitive and spiritual person. You have interesting hobbies and occupations. Remember there are hundreds and thousands ... ” –  SearchingHoping

Join the “Seeking review of my profile: 52 yr old woman, Pittsburgh area” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 10:24pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0