chickee333 is offline chickee333 Post #1  May 11,2010, 5:47pm
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I have been dating someone for 8 months now. Naturally, the first few months were wonderful. Over time, however, little things started showing up that were potential red flags... IE the inability to resolve even the most insignificant of disagreements and even some shouting. The communication thing is a big deal for me.

I have worked really hard on myself to get where I am, and to be with someone who seems to be out of touch with their feelings is very difficult (although in his case there is a valid reason for it) - especially when it makes him angry and I have to take the brunt of it. OF COURSE, I would not stay with someone I felt unsafe with, however, I don't want to be someone to argue all the time either.

He has been through a huge family ordeal recently, losing his mother to a voilent crime and feel very strongly that this is the underlying cause for the discord we are experiencing. I feel for him, but I have to do whats right for me. I have expressed that I understand he is under a great deal of mental/emotional stress, but can't allow him to shout, swear, become angry AT ME. I want to work with him through this, but all we seem to do is argue.

We have decided to 'take a break' I am hoping the break will help him to see that counceling is a good place to start with his feelings, but he doesnt seem convinced. Without councel, I dont see things moving in a positive direction. Although he doesnt seem convinced, he has said he will look into it.... in the meantime, he still wants to do lunch, date, etc. As much as I want to see him, both because I miss him and becuase I want to know he is OK, I think it may be a bad idea until he gets further along in his councel (if he folllows through with it).

Any thoughts?
 
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Sparkenwolf is offline Sparkenwolf Post #2  May 11,2010, 5:50pm
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Sounds to me like you have the right idea. If it's meant to be, a little break won't hurt.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #3  May 11,2010, 5:55pm
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I think you've done a good job of setting healthy boundaries.

I would probably err on the side of maintaining the connection with lunches as long as he is going to a counselor. Same rules apply, though. None of the bad behavior.

What he's been through is significant...life-changing, and can cause all kinds of stress and trauma. This is not to say that it's your job to fix it or tolerate abuse, but if you love the man, I think trying to be patient with him while he gets through this (with help) will tell you a lot about what you can count on down the line.

Best of luck with it.
 
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chickee333 is offline chickee333 Post #4  May 11,2010, 5:57pm
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Thanks, Sparkenwolf.

Taking a break is so hard when you want to be with someone, especially in a time like this. ( But it seems like the best thing right now.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  May 11,2010, 6:03pm
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As I see it he has anger issues among others. Until such time as he sorts his issues out and corrects them he is in no position to date anyone. And unless you are a trained therapist then it is not your position to help him resolve his issues.

Step away and let him seek counseling to resolve his issues. If he does then you can renew you relationship. If he does not then move on.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #6  May 11,2010, 7:26pm
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I wouldn't be so quick to come to the conclusion that he is like this because of recent circumstances. We all go through different things in life, but when someone decides to make you the target of their anger then this is abusive in my opinion. It may start out as just verbal abuse, but in many cases it escalates over time.

As the old saying goes, stress doesn't cause someone to be a certain way, but it reveals what was already there.

I have very strong feelings surrounding this issue, and I believe you have the right to draw very firm boundaries. I don't care how bad of a day he's had or what he's gone through; he has no right to take it out on you.
Last edited by waltercl; May 11,2010 at 7:29pm.
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #7  May 11,2010, 8:39pm
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I think you've made some important steps in identifying his unhealthy behavior, taking a break and encouraging outside help.

I would keep the door open, but watch him carefully for signs that under stress (in other words, life stress) he reacts by lashing out at those closest to him. In my simple mind, this type of behavior is unacceptable, regardless of the perceived 'cause.'

Good luck.
 
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Work_in_Progress is offline Work_in_Progress Post #8  May 11,2010, 10:08pm
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What happened to his mother is truly horrible - I can't even imagine - but I'm with Gr8Guyn2008 and WalterCl on this.

As significant a trauma as this is, I would be surprised if a person who reacts with this kind of anger and verbal abuse doesn't ordinarily react to stress and/or hardship that way, albeit to a lesser degree in most cases.

But not knowing for certain, what I would find even more troubling is that he realizes he's doing this to you, but tells you he will "look in to counseling." It seems to me that if this behavior was far removed from the norm for him and/or if he recognized it as being as unacceptable as it is, he would have sought counseling on his own and agreed to a break until he learned some better coping skills.

I applaud you for seeing past your feelings for him to the seriousness of this issue, and would suggest that it might be a good idea to limit any support of him to e-mail and/or phone until you know that he IS in counseling and has been going long enough that he appears to be serious about it, rather than trying to pacify you long enough to get you back.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.
 
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howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #9  May 12,2010, 7:03am
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You did all the right things. You are supportive to his needs (whether he sees/appreciates it), you are honest with yourself, and you have boundaries that are not offensive at all. I think you did the right thing and take a break - see where he is in the self maturation stage upon return. Good Luck
 
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