Too much, too soon? Or normal with some guys?


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itsanewworld is offline itsanewworld Post #1  May 10,2010, 5:28am
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Just curious if the behavior I'm getting from an eH match is normal or if I should be worried that he's getting attached too quickly. For the past week I've been corresponding with a guy who is much younger than me. I contacted him first on eH, mostly thinking it would never go anywhere, and he surprised me with his maturity and interest and lack of concern about my age vs. his. (I am 42, he is 31.)

Anyway, he seems to be super nice and we've been chatting via eH email for a week. I continue to be surprised at how likeable he is, and how honest in his emails. But I also sense that he's getting attached to me, to the point where he tells me how much he misses our talks when he can't email me for a day or so, etc. he is starting to use terms of endearment with me, too, but never anything sexual. he's very appropriate and doesn't say anything like that.

We've never spoken on the phone. We've never contacted each other outside of eH email. So it does feel like too much, too soon, in many ways. I don't want to agree to meet up with him and then he turns out to be a stalker, or lesser but still just as necessary to avoid, a guy you date who suddenly thinks after one or two dates that you're an exclusive couple.

Now, all of this said, I wonder if perhaps his intensity is due to being in the military, and possibly having had long-distance relationships that were held via email and so maybe he feels himself slipping into that role again? he is only recently back from Iraq, and new to the city where we both live, so I definitely sense loneliness, which is understandable. And given that he's a soldier, I want to treat him very kindly and give him every benefit of the doubt and not assume anything about him. So that is why I'm asking you guys how this sounds to you.

On the surface, you might think I'm going overboard. nice guy sends lots of caring emails, what's the problem? but I have a subtle alarm going off under the surface that this might be too much, too soon, and I'm not sure why I sense that or why he might be doing it. If it's tied into his military experience (served four tours over there, if tours is still the right word), I will give him tons of leeway. But not sure if that is the reason.

Any thoughts?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  May 10,2010, 5:47am
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Regardless of the underlying reasons, codependent relationships are never healthy and you should never enter a relationship in the role of a therapist or hoping to save the other person.

As for getting attached through e-mails - this is precisely why it's important to meet as soon as possible and avoid extensive e-mailing. He is not getting attached to you, he is getting attached to a figment of his imagination. The longer this goes on, the worse it will be for both of you. So, either meet him in some safe public place or, if your gut is against it, move on. To continue as is, is folly.
 
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itsanewworld is offline itsanewworld Post #3  May 10,2010, 6:25am
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DancingFool wrote :
Regardless of the underlying reasons, codependent relationships are never healthy and you should never enter a relationship in the role of a therapist or hoping to save the other person.
Oh, I have no interest in being his therapist. I am trying to figure out if his behavior is normal, without baggage, or if there is an issue I should avoid. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt due to his background, and accepting him even WITH attachment issues, are two different things.

I would like to meet him, but want to make sure he's not crazy stalker guy before I do so.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  May 10,2010, 7:21am
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I guess I really don't quite get your fear. What personal information will he get about you regarding meeting in person that he does not have already? I mean you can stay as safe and as anonymous as you wish to be when meeting someone the first time.

Nobody can tell you whether some guy they don't know is a stalker or not. Some people are more emotionally driven than others and some are plain crazy. It's impossible to tell which end of the spectrum he falls into.

The bottom line is that you seem very uncomfortable with this and very doubtful and your gut is trying to tell you something. My general advice is to always listen to your and gut and not try to rationalize it away. After all, only you know all the nuances of your communications with him.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #5  May 10,2010, 8:08am
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It does sound like he's getting attached to his vision of you via email. That doesn't mean he's a crazy stalker guy ... lots of people do that; it's easy to do, especially with people who haven't done a lot of online dating.

You know you're kind of doing the same thing, with a different outcome: you're making assumptions about who he is, based on email behavior and a few facts he's told you (which may or may not be true). That's what happens with online-only contact!

Just follow the usual safety stuff if you decide to meet him.

That said, it is generally good to trust your gut. And, while it's nice that you want to be good to a soldier, that doesn't have to extend to having a relationship with him!
 
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Alli824 is online now Alli824 — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  May 10,2010, 8:40am
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My experience has been that many of the men who truly want to connect on EH are frequent communicators. They don't play the once a week or 3-4 day game to respond. I've had several say they were looking for a bond prior to meeting up. I believe in phone calls and a face to face meet up as soon as possible. That said, I am still appreciative of the guy who takes the time to share something of himself via e mail. It gives me a clue as to his personality and his desire to conduct a relationship on more than a superficial level. He may feel you are really connecting. I also agree that some careers - military personnel for example seem to be a lot more serious about looking for a relationship - it may have to do with seeing some of the uglier sides of life, and realizing what really matters.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #7  May 10,2010, 9:07am
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itsanewworld wrote :
I would like to meet him, but want to make sure he's not crazy stalker guy before I do so.
Paranoia is not your friend.

Meet him in a public place as recommended by just about everyone. Don't give him your home address and so on.

Until you meet, all the emails are meaningless.

Just curious, how many crazy stalker guys have you had email exchanges with?
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #8  May 10,2010, 9:45am

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DancingFool wrote :
Regardless of the underlying reasons, codependent relationships are never healthy and you should never enter a relationship in the role of a therapist or hoping to save the other person.

As for getting attached through e-mails - this is precisely why it's important to meet as soon as possible and avoid extensive e-mailing. He is not getting attached to you, he is getting attached to a figment of his imagination. The longer this goes on, the worse it will be for both of you. So, either meet him in some safe public place or, if your gut is against it, move on. To continue as is, is folly.
Using terms of endearment with someone after communicating with them for only one week and never even meeting them is not a healthy sign. As already stated he is gtting attached to a figment of his imagination. How can he possibly begin to know who you are?

I would litsen to your intuition and discuss these issues with him now. If you do desire to meet him, proceed with great caution.
 
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1sttimer is offline 1sttimer Post #9  May 10,2010, 11:16am
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Wow-what mixed review. First, more to the phone communications-prolonged emailing is a waste of time. Chat a couple times and if he seems interesting-met in a public place
 
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itsanewworld is offline itsanewworld Post #10  May 10,2010, 11:39am
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OP here - thanks everyone, for the input. I will trust my gut, but that said, I would like to meet this guy, too. So I will continue to keep my identity private, but still agree to meet for a cup of coffee. and make sure I'm not followed going home.

it might even be good for him to meet me, to get me "out" of his system if need be. he says he's not talking to anyone else on eH because of the bond he feels with me. this way, if we're not a match, he can move on.

and if we are a match, whoo-hoo! I get a hunky, young boyfriend 11 years younger than me!
 
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