Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #1  May 9,2010, 2:02pm
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Hello all...I've been off the boards for awhile due to a new and hectic work schedule but am dealing with an minor thing that I thought I could get some clarity on through some needed advice on here.

Almost a year ago I was dating someone for several months in a very deep and fast moving relationship. Problem was, he has serious commitment issues due to his childhood and he just shut down and walked away one day because he got scared. He always kept in contact, mostly through text messages every few months. In the beginning I would ask if he wanted to hang out as friends but he always made up an excuse and so eventually, I stopped asking. A few times when we got close to actually hanging out, he backed out and said something along the lines of him being afraid I would want more if we hung out. Or he would ask how things would be after we hung out..insinuating that he wanted to make sure we could go back to not talking again for months etc. I've always felt this "reach for me"/"pull away from me" thing with him like he wants to hang out with me but is scared to. That's just to give you some background.

So, my problem is, when he does text me, usually he asks what I'm up to. If I don't have plans, I'll reply that I'm not doing anything and ask why? He almost never replies. I don't get it. Just again, this happened yesterday. He texted in the morning to ask what I was doing, I said no plans and never heard back from him. I text again a few hours later and asked if he got my text and still, no response. What is going on here and how should I deal with this?

The bottom line, is that I still do care very much for this person and to this day believe there is a lot more between us and believe we've be together now if he didn't have these commitment issues. He is a very good person, not a player and an all around genuine guy so I know he's not trying to be mean or play games with me. He's just a troubled guy who can't come to terms with his past and is scared of being in a relationship. I've tried to help but he won't let me in. It's been almost a year since we've seen one another yet this cat and mouse game with the texting is still going on.

Anyone ever have any experience with this and how should I handle this? Thanks
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  May 9,2010, 2:07pm
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If you don't want to cut communication with him and can stay emotionally uninvolved then I would just continue to text him back in a friendly manner and not worry about the responses (or lack of)

Its possible (and not a bad thing) to care about someone and express it expecting nothing in return.

The only possible concern I would have is that he might expect a relationship at some point? Idk I personally wouldn't be interested under those circumstances.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  May 9,2010, 2:09pm
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The best (excessively generous) explanation I can offer is that this fellew is jaded.

I think you are taking a risk to continue. He seems to have too much going on in his life, or has too much bad experience with women.
Last edited by D_Lion; May 9,2010 at 2:13pm.
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #4  May 9,2010, 2:21pm
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My guess is that he gets some measure of validation or affirmation by hearing back from you. He enjoys the reassurance of knowing you care about him, without having to extend or invest any of himself or do any of the work of a real relationship.

If you don't mind supplying this for him and it's not preventing you from being in a relationship with someone who actually wants one, you could continue replying. But if these emotional tugs mean he has a hold on you that won't let you move on, I would cease all communication with him.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #5  May 9,2010, 2:28pm
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Sawyer76 wrote :
The bottom line, is that I still do care very much for this person and to this day believe there is a lot more between us and believe we've be together now if he didn't have these commitment issues. He is a very good person, not a player and an all around genuine guy so I know he's not trying to be mean or play games with me. He's just a troubled guy who can't come to terms with his past and is scared of being in a relationship. I've tried to help but he won't let me in. It's been almost a year since we've seen one another yet this cat and mouse game with the texting is still going on.

Anyone ever have any experience with this and how should I handle this? Thanks
You are emotionally involved in a fantasy relationship. He is being clear in his statments of intent by his actions.

If he doesn't want your help, you are wasting time and energy to continue to offer it, whether as validation in responses to his infrequent texting or as holding out hope for there ever being anything more to this.
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #6  May 9,2010, 2:42pm
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Thanks. Just to be clear, I am not holding out to be with him at all. I have moved on and have been dating a lot. of course I can't help but think of him from time to time but it doesn't stop me from dating.

But, I don't feel I am really supplying him anything so I'm not sure how he would be getting validation.

Littlebluemonkey, I'm not in a fantasy relationship with him. I don't feel we have any relationship. It's been a year and I have moved on. I haven't tried to help him since we were together. I probably wasn't clear in my post. I did try to help him deal with his issues when we were together but since we broke up, I stopped.

Our communication has been nothing more than him texting to say hello, me replying and then never hearing back from him. I just don't get what the point of it all is. But I am not hung up on thinking this is any sort of relationship or even friendship for that matter.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #7  May 9,2010, 2:46pm
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Sawyer76 wrote :
Thanks. Just to be clear, I am not holding out to be with him at all. I have moved on and have been dating a lot. of course I can't help but think of him from time to time but it doesn't stop me from dating.

But, I don't feel I am really supplying him anything so I'm not sure how he would be getting validation.

Littlebluemonkey, I'm not in a fantasy relationship with him. I don't feel we have any relationship. It's been a year and I have moved on. I haven't tried to help him since we were together. I probably wasn't clear in my post. I did try to help him deal with his issues when we were together but since we broke up, I stopped.

Our communication has been nothing more than him texting to say hello, me replying and then never hearing back from him. I just don't get what the point of it all is. But I am not hung up on thinking this is any sort of relationship or even friendship for that matter.
Your original post did not indicate that you'd moved on. You talked about believing there was something there. That's the only caveat I have about continuing to text with him...if you can do it and not care - fine. Otherwise, you're bound to be pulled back in if and when he decides he wants to test the waters.

I've run into a few like this. Overall, I don't really find staying in touch with them to be useful - to me or to them. Every now and then one will pop back up into my life. I generally just respond and forget about them again.
 
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richey is offline richey Post #8  May 9,2010, 3:01pm
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Sawyer76 wrote :
he just shut down and walked away one day because he got scared.
Actually this is probably not as 'minor' of a problem as you think. This is actually rather major.

Sawyer76 wrote :
he backed out and said something along the lines of him being afraid I would want more if we hung out. Or he would ask how things would be after we hung out
Some pretty major and solid signs he does not want anything serious with you. Maybe it's commitment phobia, but I think that term is far too overused. Some people just don't want to get serious with other people and just want the benefits. And by this he's already showing you that he's already got it in his head that he's going to leave/disapear on you even before he gets with you each time.


Sawyer76 wrote :
I've always felt this "reach for me"/"pull away from me" thing with him like he wants to hang out with me but is scared to.
Probably not. I see it as more of a "i don't want anything serious with you, but i woudlnt' mind having fun with you when i need somebody to have fun with."

Sawyer76 wrote :
He almost never replies. I don't get it. Just again, this happened yesterday.
Yeah this one always bothered me. I've been getting this recently. All I can say is this ~ the end result is that somethign is up with them and it's NOT YOU. So take it as yet another sign you should be looking somewhere else. (In my case, it turns out the person was trying to tell me she didnt' want to see me anymore cuz she didn't want it to become more. And in acutality I think she had been seeing somebody else and wanted to try that for a while (she's kinda messed up in the head). But really none of that matters. In the end, it means you're not the ONE they are making a priority in their lives.

Sawyer76 wrote :
What is going on here and how should I deal with this?
Basically they're keeping you as an option, a backup plan. They're doing enough to make sure you never completely break free and go elsewhere, but you are not their first choice. You are a backup plan they wish to keep when nothing else is going on with them.

Sawyer76 wrote :
The bottom line, is that I still do care very much for this person and to this day believe there is a lot more between us and believe we've be together now if he didn't have these commitment issues.
I believe that would be a very unhealthy way to interpret all this. Quite frankly, if somebody is into you and wants to be with you, they will make you a priority somehow and someway. It may not mean you can spend time, it may not mean you can talk all the time, but you are still a priority and they woudl never go "a few months" without talking to you. They would never diasppear and leave you hanging on a text msg. That is just not how interested people act.

Look past your heart and what you want and HOPE is true... and look at the facts. If you were acting this way towards somebody else ~ be honest.. what most likely is it that you are doing and why and what's truly going on with you? Most likelyh you have somebody else you are far more interseted in and hoping works out and trying to work that out. But whenever that seems to not be going well, you turn back to OPTION B and contact them and try to keep that fire kindling just enough that you can always use OPTION B as your backup plan....

You... are Option B. I'm sorry to say.

Sawyer76 wrote :
It's been almost a year since we've seen one another yet this cat and mouse game with the texting is still going on.
Exactly. Who doesn't see somebody they're totally into atleast 1X/yr? To say this is true and to also say "we have something, he wants to be with me".... I hate to say... BOTH statements can NOT be true. So ONE of them is not true. And there is only 1 staement out of those two that actually makes sense if you claim it to be true.

Richey
 
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superbeetle is offline superbeetle Post #9  May 9,2010, 3:20pm
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Maybe it's my perverse sense of humor, but I would send back random weird answers. Shopping for ballgowns. Auditioning for roller derby. Feeding my alligator. Let him wonder for once!
 
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Sawyer76 is offline Sawyer76 Post #10  May 9,2010, 3:37pm
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Hahaha! That's funny. I might do that actually! thanks!
 
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