speak2jelamat is offline speak2jelamat Post #1  May 9,2010, 11:46am
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So, I've been chatting with this gentleman over the internet: chatting and occasionally skype. He recently came to the east coast from california to visit family and friends which gave us the opportunity to meet.

Overall he's a good guy, but I've found that he's curses a lot casually and it really really grates on me. I don't curse at all and its in my mh/cs on eharmony, but I didn't meet him on the site - but on another site where most of the people are from the same church denomination. Anyhow, after a few hours of genuine amusement, mixed with a few cringe-worthy coarse jokes and enough casual cursing to make me significantly sure that this is someone I can't really imagine myself spending the rest of my life with, I'm ready to do the dear john letter.

But I'm hoping for some advice from you guys and you smooth operators about the kindest and most respectful way of avoiding telling him the "why". I'm not out to change the guy - that's not my m.o. But I'm definitely not interested. I'm only asking because I know that for some/most people this would be a non-issue. I don't generally have problems with people who curse, but I just don't bring it home.

Advice?
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  May 9,2010, 11:52am
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Here's my standard:

I really enjoyed talking with you and having the opportunity to meet you. Upon reflection, I do not feel there is enough in the way of common values to move forward. You have a great deal to offer the right person and I do wish you all the best in your search.

And then...do not reply to any arguments he may send to the contrary.
 
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dogwood is offline dogwood Post #3  May 9,2010, 11:54am
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just tell him. if it is your religious beliefs that make it intolerable, say so.

keep it simple and don't make any acusations or respond to any acusations.

if you are nervous about telling him face to face, wait until he goes back home. tell him then.
 
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jussmile is offline jussmile Post #4  May 9,2010, 12:05pm
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"lack of chemistry" seems to be the best vague way of not being specific, or needing to defend your assessmen.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #5  May 9,2010, 12:32pm
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So he curses in person but not online? Interesting.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #6  May 9,2010, 12:32pm
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speak2jelamat wrote :
But I'm hoping for some advice from you guys and you smooth operators about the kindest and most respectful way of avoiding telling him the "why".

I have a strong view which is contrary to this concept of being either kind or respectful.

Avoiding the truth is not a good thing at all !!!

***

Two idea:

- Give a definitive statement, such as "stow that foul language or I am gone." This is what I would do. Give a person a chance to adapt.

- Say, "I won't date you because you swear like a sailer but lack a suitable yatch." To yourself be true.
 
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Sparkenwolf is offline Sparkenwolf Post #7  May 9,2010, 12:36pm
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If the chemistry wasn't there, it wasn't there. I've met women before whom I've told that it didn't "click"-meaning I didn't get the feeling that there was something there to explore further. I've been told essentially the same thing before, especially with some really nice looking women. Frustrating.. heck yeah! But it's life, I won't click with everyone, and vice versa. They and I both appreciated the honesty with not wasting each others' time.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #8  May 9,2010, 12:38pm
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
I really enjoyed talking with you and having the opportunity to meet you. Upon reflection, I do not feel there is enough in the way of common values to move forward. You have a great deal to offer the right person and I do wish you all the best in your search.

I absolutely despise messages which sound like they were written by human resource department, or a bank.

And to think people criticise me for being "not human!"

I would never send a rejection so generic.

Send a real statement, please!
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #9  May 9,2010, 2:39pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I absolutely despise messages which sound like they were written by human resource department, or a bank.

And to think people criticise me for being "not human!"

I would never send a rejection so generic.

Send a real statement, please!
Dear Frog,

I cannot date you because you insist on hiding in the toilet and scaring the bejesus out of me when I'm having a bit of private time. Also, you sing too loudly at night and interrupt my sleep. When we cuddle, I wake up all cold and slimy. It's not me, it's you.

LBMM

Really, these are strangers - they are not people to whom I owe anything more than a polite goodbye, if that. Attempting to negotiate changes in behavior (or correcting behavior) at this stage strikes me as asking for trouble. If there is enough value there that someone sees a real possibility - perhaps, but even then I'd tread lightly on offering criticism.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  May 9,2010, 2:48pm
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
Dear Frog,

I cannot date you because you insist on hiding in the toilet and scaring the bejesus out of me when I'm having a bit of private time. Also, you sing too loudly at night and interrupt my sleep. When we cuddle, I wake up all cold and slimy. It's not me, it's you.

LBMM

Really, these are strangers - they are not people to whom I owe anything more than a polite goodbye, if that. Attempting to negotiate changes in behavior (or correcting behavior) at this stage strikes me as asking for trouble. If there is enough value there that someone sees a real possibility - perhaps, but even then I'd tread lightly on offering criticism.

A statement which offers useful data is actionable.

If I get many women saying a similar thing, I would be wise to consider if I can afford to fix that thing, which (like weight?) is not "wrong," but may be out of taste to my partners' desires.

While, if a rejection is one I never heard before, I can either reject it in comfort as an anomoly, or consider it as indicative of having met a woman with new values.

I wish to have the chance to consider a partner's tastes, decide if I wish to accomodate them, and, if not, to at least compile the overall tendancy of women to have certain tastes.
 
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