VeronaRose is offline VeronaRose Post #1  May 7,2010, 8:42pm
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Ok, I'm new to EH but I'm referring to my experiences in the real world of dating.
I'm a goodlooking female, but I don't care whether my partner is goodlooking or not. I assess the whole package and appearance is quite low on my list (not that I have a "list" per se!). But consistently I'm being faced with the same problem when it comes to meeting men. They see a goodlooking woman and automatically think she cares about looks, I dress nicely (albeit conservatively), I care about my own appearance, and instantly they assume I must care alot about theirs.
I'll give you an example. The last guy I met was not goodlooking and overweight, but I felt attracted to him as a person, as a whole, because he seemed to have a nice personality and a good attitude. Then as we started seeing eachother, I found that it was HE who had issues with his own looks, because he refused to believe I liked him as he was. His insecurities started to take over and he was so convinced I was going to leave him that he actually started to cause the very outcome he feared. He had no trust in what I said, despite my MANY efforts to boost his self esteem at every opportunity I got. I was constantly reassuring him of how great he was etc, and still he did not believe that I would stick around, and he couldn't get over his perceived "ugliness". Eventually it was his ATTITUDE that took its toll on me and I couldn't hang around anymore. Ironically, it was his incorrect assumptions of what he thought I thought about his looks that ended the relationship, not his looks themselves!
Time and time again, I have found this happens with the "not so good looking" guys, and frankly I've had enough of it.
I wish these guys would stop carrying around this "ugly" baggage around and letting their appearance-based insecurities override the word of the person they like.
My word means a lot to me, and I understand the need for my behaviour to match those words, I work on my personal development and growth so that I can come into a relationship open-hearted and open-minded without baggage. But I find myself constantly having to feed the egos of insecure men, working day and night to assure them that I want to be with them.
It's getting to the stage where I'm starting to think the goodlooking men would be better because they have less insecurities.
I'm so frustrated...
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  May 7,2010, 8:49pm
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Would you have said you met men of similar overall desirability?

This sounds like thier issue to worry over, and not yours to fix for them.

***

Personally, I wait for the impossible, and then go after that, so I can't understand whay a man would do what you experienced.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #3  May 7,2010, 8:50pm
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I feel ya. I have run into the same issue myself upon occasion. The person can't seem to see that the insecurity is really their own problem, not mine. I mean to a point, I will reassure a person and try to get them to see I really do like them ... to a point. But after a certain point, it does become their own issue.

You have a life to lead ... you can't spend it making sure they know they are OK. That has to come from inside themselves.
 
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VeronaRose is offline VeronaRose Post #4  May 7,2010, 9:02pm
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Thanks guys, glad you understand what I mean! It's just so frustrating because you hear all these "not so goodlooking" men whinging about how they can't catch a break and how hard it is to meet a nice girl, but it seems 90% of their issue is in the way they think. It's a perception issue, there is a perception in the minds of men that goodlooking women are superficial and care about looks in their partner. I hate to sound politically incorrect but I'm a goodlooking woman but my main focus is on my own mind and using that to win men over, not my looks.
 
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OldManNoah is offline OldManNoah Post #5  May 7,2010, 10:03pm
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Ask them if they want to be right or wrong about that .

Some things it's good to be wrong about.

Failing all else, you could tell them your leaving them because they are stupid , too dumb to get it. Yes, I hate it when a partner gets a dumb idea in their head and will not, will not, will not let go of it.
 
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VeronaRose is offline VeronaRose Post #6  May 7,2010, 10:17pm
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Yeah, true. It's frustrating when you're always having to walk on eggshells to avoid hurting their self esteem, or, like you said, when they have something in their mind and refuse to listen to what you ACTUALLY think, they prefer to believe the "script" that they run as a part of their mentality and attitude in relationships.
In the last example I gave earlier, I actually told him that he was doing things to sabotage the relationship because he thought it was bound to end anyway. He tried to compensate for his lack of attractiveness by trying to prove he was a big tough guy and subsequently showing me his ugly attitude. It's a sad method of self-preservation I think. I'm of the opinion that you believe a person's word unless there is a reason not to. It's a shame others don't give me the same benefit of the doubt.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #7  May 7,2010, 10:19pm
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VeronaRose wrote :
Yeah, true. It's frustrating when you're always having to walk on eggshells to avoid hurting their self esteem, or, like you said, when they have something in their mind and refuse to listen to what you ACTUALLY think, they prefer to believe the "script" that they run as a part of their mentality and attitude in relationships.
In the last example I gave earlier, I actually told him that he was doing things to sabotage the relationship because he thought it was bound to end anyway. He tried to compensate for his lack of attractiveness by trying to prove he was a big tough guy and subsequently showing me his ugly attitude. It's a sad method of self-preservation I think. I'm of the opinion that you believe a person's word unless there is a reason not to. It's a shame others don't give me the same benefit of the doubt.
Rather than telling him his feelings are groundless, did you try just asking him what you could do to make him feel secure?
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #8  May 7,2010, 10:20pm
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Ugly baggage does have its benefits ... people won't try to steal it from you!
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #9  May 7,2010, 10:22pm
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ThePriestess wrote :
Ugly baggage does have its benefits ... people won't try to steal it from you!
Genius.
 
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boyishgoodlooks is offline boyishgoodlooks Post #10  May 7,2010, 10:27pm
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Hi Veronarose...unfortunately for them, these guys carry around insecurities, no matter who their dating.
 
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