thrashee is offline thrashee Post #1  May 7,2010, 5:18pm
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  May 7,2010, 6:13pm
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I'd be reluctant to continue with someone who so much as mentioned an ex.

Staying over with one is bad enough, but why announce this?

I can see this depending on how old people are, and the resources available: if she is going somewhere for a reason, and that ex is the only option other than a hotel, and the hotel is not viable based on her income and other obligations, then I might just sit and wait it out.

Matters like fidelity can never be gauranteed anyway, so I don't think it is wise to get to confident of it.


But I'm also fully aware that we've only been on 2 dates, and it's frankly none of my business beyond the concern of whether she is in a healthy position to explore new relationships.

That makes it your business.


I don't really know why she texted me that she was in my neighborhood unless she was waiting for me to suggest getting together, but I actually found myself annoyed by this because she had just informed me she would be too busy to meet up, but then she popped up in town without any notice.

I think this is worth worrying about. Specifically, that she had someone else in mind to see, and that things fell apart for some reason.

You could give her the benefit of the doubt, though, and treat this as she really had somepthing unrelated to dating intended, and it either fell though or ended sooner than she thought it would.
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #3  May 7,2010, 6:37pm
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Post was too long for me but talking about an ex is always a bad thing to do. Then planning to stay with her ex is a big red flag to me.
 
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annother is offline annother Post #4  May 7,2010, 7:01pm
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This is hard to evaluate because she is obviously a woman with a full life and you don't yet know how to "read" her. However, I would say you are right in thinking there are red flags.

Going back to the home town is not a big deal, but staying with the ex is definitely unusual. Most break-ups involve little to no contact with the ex. She may, however, have found a more enlightened way to deal with it. More to the point, how is it that there is no-one else for her to stay with in her "home" town? I find that a little fishy.

The second incident when she turned up unexpectedly in your neighbourhood, is also strange behaviour. Either, as DL suggested, she had another date that fell through, or she was somehow "testing" to see how ready you were to change your plans for her.

I'd ask her about both these events and see how she responds.
 
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ravitaekwondo is offline ravitaekwondo Post #5  May 7,2010, 7:35pm
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Hey OP,

Walk away far from this woman, I think she is going to be trouble. If you are seeing these huge red flags now, it's not worth it.

First, if her ex is an ex, there is absolutely no reason to even stay with him. I find it repulsive she would do that to you, even though you have had only two dates. My last relationship ended about two months ago, and it was my decision to do end things. I have no desire to talk to my ex, or ever see her again.

It's obvious. They are still interested in each other, and who knows what else they did while she was with him.

Second, it's odd to say she is busy, then suddenly appears in your hometown. It's not like you live just a few miles apart. It's good you did not respond, and when you did you were short.

She has strong feelings for her ex, and is trying to make you jealous. For some reason, a lot of women love drama, especially when it comes to two men fighting over them. That is one of the ultimate boosts for the female ego.

Walk away, and find somebody who doesn't mess with your mind and heart. You don't need drama in your life.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #6  May 7,2010, 8:45pm
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Is she over the ex? I'd say not. The clue is, she is still talking about him apparently unsolicited by you. Is this a reason to stop dating her? Perhaps ... to me it would depend on whether it is a recurrent subject that she keeps bringing up or whether it's something she's able to put behind her and only mention now and then.

I say now and then, bc honestly, some very old relationships will sometimes come up bc something reminds me of something long ago and I might mention something about it. But it's more of an oh yeah here's a funny story about that kind of thing than an I'm still not over him kind of thing.

As to the out of the blue texting ... kinda makes me think she wants to use you as a booty call.
 
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Kamek is offline Kamek Post #7  May 8,2010, 12:52am
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I barely got into the story when you mentioned that she talked about her ex. This would have been a deal breaker for me from the get-go.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #8  May 8,2010, 5:26am
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thrashee wrote :
Honestly I don't really know why she texted me that she was in my neighborhood unless she was waiting for me to suggest getting together, but I actually found myself annoyed by this because she had just informed me she would be too busy to meet up, but then she popped up in town without any notice.
I see 2 possibilities:

1) Let's assume "nothing happened" actually means "nothing happened" ...but the visit obviously affected her emotional state and she came back from it re-living the pain and it confused her. She chose to 'stay with him' during her trip, but didn't realize what a mistake it would be emotionally.

I really see the psychology of this as no different than running into an ex at a grocery store or on the street ...you might have been completely 'over it', but seeing them again brings it all back again. Can you say that if you saw your ex right now, your heart wouldn't drop into the pit of your stomach? ...and it would probably affect you for days after? Maybe she just needed that time to get back 'over' it.

2) Let's assume that "nothing happened" actually means "nothing - that you can prove - happened" ...maybe there was conversations of second chances, possibly even sex involved, whatever. She returned with this information and 'new' situation, needing time to digest it and "see what happens now". So, why is she back wanting to meet up again only a few days later? ...well, it's possible a) her ex has already screwed up and proved to her that whatever happened over her visit was a one-time thing, b) she's came to her senses and realized that whatever happened over her visit was a one-time thing, or c) she's looking to keep you as a Plan-B in case the ex thing falls through. None of these are beneficial to you.

Only you will be able to decide which one fits your situation best. If you think it could be (1), I'd probably consider giving her a second chance. People make mistakes and if I had a nickel for every time I've heard of someone believing they could remain "friends" with an ex when, in fact, it's the worst idea in a long, sad history of bad ideas, I'd be a rich man.
 
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thrashee is offline thrashee Post #9  May 8,2010, 5:49am
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