Is He Embarrassed to be Seen With Me?


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chimerical is offline chimerical Post #1  May 5,2010, 6:37pm
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Okay, so maybe I'm being a little paranoid here. Or maybe I'm misreading my guy. But here goes:

I've been dating this guy for a while, but we've agreed to not take things too fast (as he'd only finalized his divorce in December). He's good at socializing, but a bit of an introvert. He says that when he's not at work (where he's a bartender), he's "a bit of a recluse," and truly, he does live in a rather isolated area (a woodsy area, but close to a major city).

Also, we're not exclusive, but he's been very open about his activity (or lack thereof) in that department. He's flirted with women online, but hasn't gone on any dates (other than with me), and has stated firmly that his policy is to only have one sexual partner at a time (which is me, and which he has requested that I also abide by while I am with him). I trust him to be honest about all of the above, mostly because he went out of his way early on to really make sure that I was okay with us not being exclusive. (He was very concerned because I admitted to being much less experienced than he is.)

Okay, so that's the background information. Here's my issue: We don't do any external socializing when we date. I'm a little bit shy, but at heart, a true extrovert, and I want to hang out with other people. I want to double date, take him to casual, non-intimate parties, maybe meet his drinking buddies, whatever. I like being around people. I don't need to meet his family, or his daughter, or his best friends, or whatever, and he doesn't need to meet mine, but so far he's avoided any kind of socializing with me. He says he doesn't want to "share" our dates with other people, that he wants to be able to focus on me, and on getting to know me. Well, I feel like you can't really get to know the "real" me unless you see me in a bunch of different circumstances, including how I act around my friends.

Also, I worry because when we go out, he deliberately doesn't even take me to the bars where he *might* run into someone he knows. He explained that he was doing this, but said it was because he feels like it's obnoxious to have your date suddenly monopolized by a random acquaintance in a bar. (If he hadn't told me he was doing this--avoiding certain bars--I wouldn't have known, honestly.) [Oh. He did try to arrange one double-date for me, as I recall, but it fell through because the guy he was setting it up with, a rather flaky friend, didn't get back to him.]

Anyway, my concern is, I guess, that he might be ashamed to be seen with me? That maybe he doesn't want me to meet his friends because he is embarrassed of me or something? What do you think? Is this reasonable behavior for an introvert (who is still, perhaps, recovering from his divorce), or should I be worried? And if I should be worried, how would I bring this up to him? Thanks for your advice!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  May 5,2010, 6:44pm
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I'd be half-worried.

Personally, I had very minimal interaction between friends and partners - just no common interests / opportunity.

Going out of his way to create refusal, however, sounds more concerning.

Lack of exclusivity supports a hypothesis of not seeing serious possibility; taken together, these conditions appear to support your concern.
 
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cameracollector is offline cameracollector Post #3  May 5,2010, 6:55pm
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Do you think he's concerned about dating publicly only a few months after his divorce? Was it acrimonious? Did he file for divorce or did she? Do they have unresolved issues, either emotional or related to division of property? Is he worried about running into someone who knows his ex-wife if you socialize with anyone else or at his usual hangouts?

I doubt very much that he's ashamed to be seen with you - but it does seem as if there is something going on. If you've agreed you're sexually exclusive even though not dating-exclusive, maybe he wants to preserve his appearance of being newly-available?

At any rate, I think that if it bothers you, you should bring it up with him. And maybe do some planning of your own by bringing him to parties or whatever with your friends. At least you'll see how he interacts in a situation when it's not just the two of you. Or has he outright refused to do anything with other people? If that's the case, and you've been seeing each other for a few months, I'd find it a bit off.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #4  May 5,2010, 7:52pm
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My question is a bit different...what are you hoping this will become?

Because the whole - we're exclusive sexually but we're not exclusive - thing would sound to me like FWB, which is fine if that's all you're after, but it seems as though he's put you into a comfortable slot while he continues to search for Girl A. Maybe I'm reading it wrong.

In any case, if you want it to be more than it is, you have to state those expectations and you have to make your decisions based on his response...not what he says - what he does.

I, too, doubt seriously it's that he's ashamed to be seen with you. It's more like he's trying not to leave a record of any significance in your life or create obligations that he isn't willing or able to meet.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  May 5,2010, 7:54pm
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First if his divorce was only final 5 months ago he still has problems that he needs to work out before dating again.

If he is a bartender then he should be taking you to places other than bars regardless of whether he may see someone that he would know at a particular bar.

His behavior is not because it is typical of an introvert. It may be that he does not want to have to explain to his friends why he is dating right after getting divorced. But I would suspect that it is because he has a sex partner and that is all he is looking for.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  May 5,2010, 7:55pm
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
My question is a bit different...what are you hoping this will become?

Because the whole - we're exclusive sexually but we're not exclusive - thing would sound to me like FWB, which is fine if that's all you're after, but it seems as though he's put you into a comfortable slot while he continues to search for Girl A. Maybe I'm reading it wrong.

In any case, if you want it to be more than it is, you have to state those expectations and you have to make your decisions based on his response...not what he says - what he does.

I, too, doubt seriously it's that he's ashamed to be seen with you. It's more like he's trying not to leave a record of any significance in your life or create obligations that he isn't willing or able to meet.
You were doing fine until this part then you lost me
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  May 5,2010, 8:20pm
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I agree with LBMM. You're not "exclusive" even though you kind of are. After several months, I think that pretty clearly indicates he does not see a future with you, so does not see the point of introducing you to his friends.

He's got what he wants.... an exclusive sex partner and the option to date anyone else if he chooses.

Do you have what you want?
 
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Avalon1k is offline Avalon1k Post #8  May 5,2010, 11:56pm
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Are you absolutely sure he is divorced? I only say that because a friend of mine dated a guy and she ended up with an angry wife knocking on her door.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #9  May 6,2010, 3:17am
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
we're exclusive sexually but we're not exclusive - thing would sound to me like FWB, which is fine if that's all you're after, but it seems as though he's put you into a comfortable slot while he continues to search for Girl A.
Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I would suspect that it is because he has a sex partner and that is all he is looking for.
Wonderwoman402 wrote :
He's got what he wants.... an exclusive sex partner and the option to date anyone else if he chooses.
Ditto, Ditto, and Ditto.

You don't take FWB's out for drinks and dancing, you stay in and ...benefit.
 
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cats1 is offline cats1 Post #10  May 6,2010, 4:03am
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You are not his girlfriend. Move on. You are not paranoid, your having a problem with this situation is a good instinct.

I am going to be harsh here. So brace yourself:
You are a convenient lay while he's looks around. And since he won't take you to place where people know him, is he even divorced? If he's divorced then he definitely doesn't think you are good enough to be seen with, but he likes the sex. Basically he's just too cheap to pay a h00ker.

As for dating other people but not having sex, that's nonsense, don't believe that for one minute. Are you dating other people and not having sex with them. Let's say on the fifth date with one of these other people he ends up and his place or hers for a night cap after a fun date and they start making out (which they will) and it's leading to sex, is he going to stop mid-way and call you other to consult or maybe break up with you because he is about to have sex with this person? If any of his dates with other women go beyond three or four dates, sex is happening.

Don't waste your time. You sound like a fun, outgoing woman, stop wasting yourself on him, to him you are like a h00ker who isn't smart enough to charge for it. I don't think your situation is even a friends with benefits case, because FWBs will hang out in public and among mutual friends they'll just try to hide the fact that they are sleeping together. Don't be a free h00ker, either start charging or dump him and look for someone who'll treat you better.
 
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