Lonliness and dating, Catch 22?


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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #1  May 4,2010, 6:11pm
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Here's a topic that's been on my mind.

We all know that to be really successful in dating, you need to be a whole person. You need to be happy with yourself, if you're going to be happy with someone else.

However, if you're feeling lonely, then you are obviously not happy being alone. If thats the case, can you ever date if you feel lonely?

Is it a catch-22 that if you're lonely and want someone to be with, you're doomed to be alone because you're not suited to be with anyone at the moment.

Bottom line, when you really need someone to be with, is that the worst time for you to be with someone?
 
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howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #2  May 4,2010, 6:13pm
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Yes. Be happy with yourself first. Find your center. Then dating becomes better and easier
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #3  May 4,2010, 6:15pm

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When I was getting over my ex-boyfriend I used to hang out at Buffalo like I always had. Guys would hit on me from time to time but it didn't feel right to date cause I knew I wasn't healed. Still the being around people kept me from being lonely and the hitting on me kept me from believing I was going to be one of those old ladies with 20 cats.
 
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cal_dude is online now cal_dude Post #4  May 4,2010, 6:16pm
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So to follow this logic, if I'm hungry for a dinner, I should postpone it until I'm no longer hungry!

We're social creatures and, while we are content being alone, one who claims happiness is greatly exaggerating or is a loner by nature.
 
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howardtheduck is offline howardtheduck Post #5  May 4,2010, 6:22pm
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cal_dude wrote :
So to follow this logic, if I'm hungry for a dinner, I should postpone it until I'm no longer hungry!

We're social creatures and, while we are content being alone, one who claims happiness is greatly exaggerating or is a loner by nature.
mmmmm dinner... I like the food analogy and I actually do that sometimes postpone eating until the desire retreats. Hungry now, I guess, I will go have a beer pop instead
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #6  May 4,2010, 6:31pm
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Yeah...I get that. And to continue the food analogy, the wisdom is never shop for groceries when you're hungry because you'll make foolish purchases (which might be how I ended up with four boxes of soba noodles in the pantry).

I think there's a balance. If you want someone, it's hard not to be lonely. I certainly am at times. But, I try to balance that out when I'm actively dating by remembering all the good stuff about being single and reminding myself that whoever I invite in will be taking up time and space from that...it helps me try to make smart choices (or at least be aware when I'm making stupid ones).
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #7  May 4,2010, 6:49pm
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I think the difference is being centered and ok with yourself and your life but still wanting someone to share you life with...vs

feeling very desperate/needy and non centered.

I only know my experience. When I was younger I was sometimes so so needy. I really wanted others to show me that I was lovable and accetable...because I didn't feel it on the inside.

My motivation was mostly a kind of need fulfillment rather than more healthy things like do we have fun together? Do we bring out our best? etc etc

Now I am different. I date for the normal healthy reasons...companionship, conversation, fun, flirting, learning about them and learning about myself. No longer was I focused on the needing something...I was perfectly OK being single and in the moment.

Hope that makes sense.
Last edited by HappyandLight; May 4,2010 at 6:52pm.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #8  May 4,2010, 6:51pm
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Curing loneliness is a poor reason to date someone.
 
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Northern_Gal is offline Northern_Gal Post #9  May 4,2010, 6:53pm
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HappyandLight wrote :
I think the difference is being centered and ok with yourself and your life but still wanting someone to share you life with...vs

feeling very desperate/needy and non centered.
exactly - but expressed more fluently than I could come up with!
 
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cal_dude is online now cal_dude Post #10  May 4,2010, 6:54pm
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HappyandLight wrote :
I think the difference is being centered and ok with yourself and your life but still wanting someone to share you life with...vs

feeling very desperate/needy and non centered.
There's also a third possibility I see unfortunately in some of my dates: a very strong "I'm too busy with work/pets/travel and don't really care about a relationship or even friends" vibe. There's such thing as being-too-OK-with yourself. I doubt they are happy, but past a certain point, going back into this healthy "center" (where one doesn't need somebody but open to possibilities to share life with somebody) for them is all but impossible.
Last edited by cal_dude; May 4,2010 at 6:58pm.
 
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