Should I send my poofer a goodbye note?


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anodyne is offline anodyne Post #1  May 2,2010, 10:17pm
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My very first post, so please be gentle!

OK, so I am pretty sure that the guy I've been seeing for the past month just went poof! on me this past weekend. The short version is that he is awesome, we went on 3 dates, had great chemistry and things were going well. We have been communicating via text or phone just about everyday for the past few weeks and we both initiate contact. Last week, we hung out on Tuesday and had a great time together. During our date, he asked me to go out on Friday and I said yes and he ended the date saying how much he was looking forward to seeing me on Friday. We have not been physical but this last date was very romantic on the beach and we made out for a bit at the end. Nothing too crazy. Oh, and I really liked this guy, just to be very clear.

Anyways, I sent him a "hey, hope you're having a great day" sort of text on Wednesday and never heard back. No text, no phone call, nothing. Friday came and went, I was working late and busy anyways, but he never even bothered to call! This is really the last thing I would have expected from him, since he has been very dependable and responsible up to this point. To make it even better, I know he's not dead in a ditch somewhere or otherwise incapacitated because he was online late Friday night on the site where we met!

I get it that he probably is just not interested, which is why I have refrained from calling him. However, I feel strongly against NOT poofing on someone and I'd like to at least keep MY side of the street clean so to speak. I am wondering what the protocol is with contacting a poofer after the fact. I just want to have closure and send a goodbye text or email so I can feel a little better about the situation. Any thoughts on this and if it's recommended, how long do I wait before saying goodbye?
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #2  May 2,2010, 10:22pm
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Just let it go. You're not the poofer.

Write a note, for yourself, if you'd like ... but don't bother sending it. Just toss it after.
 
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my5cents is offline my5cents Post #3  May 2,2010, 11:14pm
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Almost the exact thing happened to me and it's really rather immature and hurtful behavior. He could have communicated with you regarding how he felt. So I will say this: At this point do whatever it is that will make you feel better. Some will say let it go, others will say write a letter and don't send it, but if sending an e-mail or text is what will give you closure then I say go ahead. I myself am like you as far as keeping things clean on my side of the street. I wrote my poofer an e-mail telling him I didn't want things to be awkward if we should run into each other again and that he could have told me he didn't want to see me again for whatever reason.

I still think that behavior like poofing after setting up a date is pretty deplorable, but I guess I'd rather know that the person is spineless when it comes to communication and that they treat people like this. I guess that's the silver lining to it all which is to know about this part of them before it got serious. Sad huh? Good luck, and in the end be true to yourself!
 
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SweetKisses is offline SweetKisses Post #4  May 3,2010, 1:10am
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I was in a similar situation a few months ago. I really liked the guy and he poofed after 5 dates. After ignoring a few of my contacts, he told me on a Tuesday that he was really busy, needed "space", and would call me later in the week. When I hadn't heard from him by late Saturday, I sent him a text letting him know that I realized things were done between us and it would've been nice if he had told me himself. He did not respond to this text.

I thought having the last word on the situation would give me closure, but in actuality, it only made me feel better for about 10 minutes. I know it's difficult when you really like someone and everything had seemingly been going great up until then, and then they just stop communicating. However, since you do know he's alive and well, try to get busy with other things, go on with your life, and if he contacts you again, proceed in any manner you see fit. Don't bother with the goodbye message though because it doesn't really help- at least it didn't in my case. Or maybe I should say, don't bother with the goodbye message unless you're really ready to say goodbye and won't keep thinking about your poofer after you send it.
 
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trixie1868 is offline trixie1868 Post #5  May 3,2010, 1:45am

what the bejeezus is going on round here?!

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It's a shame that people sometimes behave like this, it's very teenage, and sadly part and parcel of online dating it would seem.

Your goodbye note is optional. He's gone and although you thought you liked him, he has demonstrated that he's probably not worthy of your good opinion. So there's no optimum amount of time to wait and no right or wrong message to send. This was a false start. So if it makes you feel better to send a message, then send it, who cares how he perceives it?

Of course silent indifference is your other option.
 
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itsanewworld is offline itsanewworld Post #6  May 3,2010, 3:06am
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Take the high road - say and do nothing. it's extremely hard, but you'll feel better for just ignoring him and making him think he meant absolutely nothing to you. To send the message conveys that you actually cared to some level, and you don't want to give him that satisfaction.

Of course, that's just me talking. But I posted here about an old boyfriend that I'd recycled after my divorce, who flew all the way from the west coast to visit me, and who just simply disappeared after spending a weekend in my bed. I haven't contacted him after realizing he poofed, and now, a month later, I feel so much better for resisting the urge. I wrote him several emails, but saved as drafts rather than sending, and it's good therapy to get that anger out. Maybe you can try that. Just don't send them.

Sorry this happened to you. As I know, it totally sucks.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  May 3,2010, 4:24am
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Personally, I advocate sending one last note. When I do so to a poofer, I tell him that I thought he was a man of high integrity, but obviously I was wrong as a man with integrity would not do such a thing.

At least 50% of the time that at least gets an apology out of them. Regardless, it makes me feel better and it does not give him a free pass that his behavior in poofing was acceptable. Maybe he will have learned a lesson for the next gal.

The note doesn't change the outcome, and I never expect it to. In fact, at that point I don't want to date him anymore either. It does make me feel better and lets me move on with a clean break.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  May 3,2010, 4:26am
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Don't send him any notes and do not contact him. He poofed because he does not care and is not interested in you. Any note that you send to him, no matter how tactful, will come across as drama and will reinforce his decision to quit things with you the way he did.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  May 3,2010, 5:59am
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Just move on. If you feel you need to write a final note then do a TP suggested, write it and then toss it.

Also this is not a gender issue as many seem to suggest. Nor is it an online issue. I have rarely had a match / date actually say goodbye. And it happens IRL meetings also.
 
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Nabaati is offline Nabaati Post #10  May 3,2010, 6:15am
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I'm of the opinion that you should send a final note, but one that's a polite note expressing some disappointment in his behavior. I do this when a gal disappears on me with the hope that she looks at herself, realizes she should treat people better, and behaves more appropriately to the next person she dates. To me, it's not about making me feel better (I don't really care about apologies at that point), it's about making the world a better place for everyone else in the future.
 
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