I think I respond to emails too fast, thereby appearing desperate/smothering


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readytodate is offline readytodate Post #1  May 2,2010, 8:23am
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I think I respond to emails too fast from men and thereby end up appearing smothering and/or desperate. I do it not only with men from online dating sites, but in real life with guys I know. I had one guy I dated recently, from my past, make a comment about how "and those emails you send that you expect me to respond to in 45 seconds".

I never, ever complained when that guy didn't respond quickly. but when he responded, I would email him back, usually within 10-15 minutes if I was online and, if not, as soon as I went online and saw his email. Usually never went more than overnight without responding.

and then another guy, an old friend who seems to now be interested in more, has been emailing me and again, I email him back quickly, and then he takes 2-3 weeks to email me, always apologizing for being so slow. yet I email him back usually the same day that I do get an email. wondering if I should pace that out and wait a few days before responding, to match his approach.

I am getting the same feeling from online guys I've been corresponding with that they think I email too quickly. I always wait and only email AFTER the guy emails. I don't send two or three in a row without a response. But I do email, again, as soon as I see it, which could be 10-15 minutes.

Do I really need to hold off and wait a few hours, or longer, to avoid appearing needy/desperate? I so hate to play games, but I also trust my gut instinct and it's telling me to slow it down and not be quite so available/ready/fast draw mcgraw on the email.

thoughts? I'm sure there are many.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  May 2,2010, 8:39am
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yeah people on here will tell you it doesnt matter, but it does. try it even with someone you arent romantically interested in and i promise you they will view you as less and less attractive. its what i do when i want to kill any potential romantic interest.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  May 2,2010, 8:48am
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This depends a lot on the content of the e-mails:

Flirty, joking, rapid back and forth e-mails are great ... followed by arranging the meeting that night. This style of communication is excellent for people who actually want to meet. (I literally met one woman from Match at 6:00, when her first e-mail arrived at about 5:00 ... one hour total from first e-mail to meeting.)

If I send a serious e-mail with questions, and get quickly in reply a "canned" e-mail of her questions but not answers to my questions (and this has happened), then I lose interest.

It is usually the safe assumption that matches are communicating with others. So, deliberate delay allows for another match to make progress faster.

Additionally, if you are someone with a specific style of communication, if you change it to appear to a broader variety of people, you risk attracting less compatible people.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  May 2,2010, 8:58am
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Nanette wrote :
yeah people on here will tell you it doesn't matter, but it does. try it even with someone you aren't romantically interested in and i promise you they will view you as less and less attractive. its what i do when i want to kill any potential romantic interest.
Yes, the most important thing about dating is to make sure that we are playing games. And it is real important that no one knows what the rules to the game are, particularly your match.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  May 2,2010, 9:03am
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readytodate wrote :
I think I respond to emails too fast from men and thereby end up appearing smothering and/or desperate. I do it not only with men from online dating sites, but in real life with guys I know. I had one guy I dated recently, from my past, make a comment about how "and those emails you send that you expect me to respond to in 45 seconds".

I never, ever complained when that guy didn't respond quickly. but when he responded, I would email him back, usually within 10-15 minutes if I was online and, if not, as soon as I went online and saw his email. Usually never went more than overnight without responding.

and then another guy, an old friend who seems to now be interested in more, has been emailing me and again, I email him back quickly, and then he takes 2-3 weeks to email me, always apologizing for being so slow. yet I email him back usually the same day that I do get an email. wondering if I should pace that out and wait a few days before responding, to match his approach.

I am getting the same feeling from online guys I've been corresponding with that they think I email too quickly. I always wait and only email AFTER the guy emails. I don't send two or three in a row without a response. But I do email, again, as soon as I see it, which could be 10-15 minutes.

Do I really need to hold off and wait a few hours, or longer, to avoid appearing needy/desperate? I so hate to play games, but I also trust my gut instinct and it's telling me to slow it down and not be quite so available/ready/fast draw mcgraw on the email.

thoughts? I'm sure there are many.
If someone took 2 - 3 weeks to reply to me I would be reading this as I am not very important in their life.
 
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greg75 is offline greg75 Post #6  May 2,2010, 9:04am
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It's nonsense. You're on a dating site to meet new people to date and hopefully have a relationship with. You're paying a lot of money for this service for Pete's sake, so use it!
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  May 2,2010, 9:04am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Yes, the most important thing about dating is to make sure that we are playing games. And it is real important that no one knows what the rules to the game are, particularly your match.
i think its even worse that they actually work. i find it repulsive, but it makes it no less fact as much as everyone wants to protest
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #8  May 2,2010, 9:07am
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actually, i should qualify my answer a little, but i dont feel like it. its not all that simple as to why it works
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  May 2,2010, 9:09am
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It's not a "game" to modify your behavior somewhat to be more in synch with a partner. It's just an attempt to make a better connection.

Deliberately trying to send some encoded message with a specific behavior? That's a game.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #10  May 2,2010, 9:09am
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Let me pose this question to you (and the rest of the people). If your phone rings and you hear it ringing do you let it go to voice mail and then think "oh that is (match) if I return the call without waiting x number of days then s/he will think I am desperate?" Of course not. Why would you do this with an e-mail. E-mail is just another form of communication.
 
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