I think I respond to emails too fast, thereby appearing desperate/smothering


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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #21  May 2,2010, 9:46am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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readytodate wrote :
I never, ever complained when that guy didn't respond quickly. but when he responded, I would email him back, usually within 10-15 minutes if I was online and, if not, as soon as I went online and saw his email. Usually never went more than overnight without responding.
My suggestion ...is to stay off the internet. =)

As a guy who does pretty much the same thing you do ...reply back as soon as I see an email (unless I need time to formulate a reply) ...I probably wouldn't necessarily have a problem with your quick responses, but I'd be thinking in the back of my mind, "does this woman not have a life? ...why is she checking her email religiously every hour?". Most people probably would, and do, associate this kind of behavior (not so much the replying immediately, but the constant checking of your email) with being 'desperate', sorry to say.

I'd also have to wonder if, given that you can reply back within "10-15" minutes, if you are even writing enough to make it necessary to reply back? If all you are saying is "Hey, I got your email - lol at your joke - how are you doing?" ...sometimes, it's better say nothing than to "say nothing", know what I mean? You probably need to get into the mindset of email being 'letters' and not 'text messages' ...

...but, mostly, I'd say that you need to find something else to occupy your time rather than checking email constantly. There's no game playing there ...you aren't 'waiting' to respond if you don't know there is an email waiting to be responded to, right? Force yourself to only check your email twice a day - at most - and make your responses worth the effort ...I think these two things would sufficiently 'slow down' your perceived over-zealousness.
 
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Lorelai is offline Lorelai Post #22  May 2,2010, 10:10am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Let me pose this question to you (and the rest of the people). If your phone rings and you hear it ringing do you let it go to voice mail and then think "oh that is (match) if I return the call without waiting x number of days then s/he will think I am desperate?" Of course not. Why would you do this with an e-mail. E-mail is just another form of communication.
You haven't read that awful series I quoted in another thread on a similar subject, have you?

My mother, who is desperately wanting a grandchild, had given me the books when the relationship I had been in for five years ended. "The Rules" would tell a person to do exactly that -- specifically it says "Don't call him and rarely return his calls", and to always wait before returning a call.

I agree that it is truly sad that apparently that type of game-playing works enough for people to still recommend that series. The main premise is that only someone who is really, truly interested would keep calling and trying and not taking "no" or "I'm busy" for an answer, and that a woman shouldn't "waste their time" and get emotionally invested on a man who isn't interested enough to jump through the hoops. The other premise is that "playing hard to get" makes a person interested because people like challenge.

I dunno how much the latter applies, but as I said I can see where such a philosophy about dating could be beneficial -- just not for most people. If a woman has a pattern in their previous relationships of being "second fiddle", "Miss Right Now", etc and can't seem to shake the pattern of behavior, or is subconsciously recreating situations that reinforce their abandonment issues by choosing men who aren't that interested or aren't emotionally available, screening out men who are not extremely interested in them might keep them from falling in love with yet another man who doesn't appreciate them. If a woman is turboclingy and can't seem to go for more than a few hours without hearing from their love interest before wanting to report them missing, it might keep them from scaring off a guy who is really interested in them but isn't in the "planning the wedding" stage yet. But it would screen out a lot of very nice guys who have lives outside of a dating service, or who want to have an equal partnership instead of doing all the chasing. In other words, I think it could work well for people who have serious issues, but not most women with lives and hobbies.

Just my $0.02.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #23  May 2,2010, 10:12am
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Nanette wrote :
how is this applicable? why would not writing back right away potentially attract more people? mmmm hmmm

Why are you asking me this question, Yonder Nanette?

I am the not the one defending the practice!

I challenge you to explain why delaying replies makes a person more attractive? (And not a personal taste - a data-driven reason(s) which apply broadly.)
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #24  May 2,2010, 10:14am
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According to that book "He's Just Not That Into You", a man will do anything to get a woman he actually wants.

By that theory, it would make sense for a woman to not initiate calls, not always return them, etc. It would be a way to test if he really wants her or not. Make him pursue her. Which he'll do, if he wants her.

Men on this board almost always say "I like women who initiate" and "just answer the phone/email/text and don't play games".

So is "He's Just Not That Into You" a load of crock?
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #25  May 2,2010, 10:19am
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Lorelai wrote :
"The Rules" would tell a person to do exactly that -- specifically it says "Don't call him and rarely return his calls", and to always wait before returning a call.

I see the rest of your post went on to make sense, but the clear majority of men using this service detest these practices, and appear not to fall for it.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #26  May 2,2010, 10:24am
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D_Lion wrote :
Why are you asking me this question, Yonder Nanette?

I am the not the one defending the practice!

I challenge you to explain why delaying replies makes a person more attractive? (And not a personal taste - a data-driven reason(s) which apply broadly.)
i guess i misinterpreted your post and thought it suggested that it could work, but "work" in what sense. thats what i thought your whole presentation there was about

just like with a lot of relationship related stuff, its mostly anecdotal either hearing it from other people or personal experience. well, actually i probably could find something if i looked that would show a relationship (idk related to scarcity or something like that) but i dont feel like it.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #27  May 2,2010, 10:26am

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I would not normally agree with this, the problem I see is this.

If you ALWAYS respond that quickly it could get kind of annoying unless you have a very clear, defined and close relationship.

It makes it seem like you are ALWAYS online.

I don't try to 'not respond' and sometimes I respond quickly but more often than not it takes me some time especially if I don't know the person well and they have presented me with questions or something I want to answer more thoughtfully, often that takes more than 15 minutes.

It seems more like you want to 'chat' when you are always responding that quickly.

I think it's fine to sometimes respond quickly as long as it's tempered by more thoughtful responses that take more time. Yeah, I probably would fake it if I were in your situation. You might find something to actually do in the meantime other than be online.

I don't mean that to sound rude...but really, I can't imagine always being that available unless he really is my boyfriend and even then... not so sure.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #28  May 2,2010, 10:29am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
According to that book "He's Just Not That Into You", a man will do anything to get a woman he actually wants.

By that theory, it would make sense for a woman to not initiate calls, not always return them, etc. It would be a way to test if he really wants her or not. Make him pursue her. Which he'll do, if he wants her.

Men on this board almost always say "I like women who initiate" and "just answer the phone/email/text and don't play games".

So is "He's Just Not That Into You" a load of crock?
i've never read that book but i agree with what you just stated.

men and women are different and respond to different things. if you are a man and you want a woman that is like a man you will be disappointed when you get it. if you are a woman and you want a man that is like a woman, you will probably be disappointed when you get it, which is why i have an issue with the fact that men are always wanting women to be more like them and women the same toward men. when you read the posts on here, except from the people that acknowledge gender differences, you will see that as a theme
 
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beatlejuice72 is offline beatlejuice72 Post #29  May 2,2010, 10:30am

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I think you're right. Speaking from personal experience, you don't want to make yourself look too available. It's not a bad thing for someone to MISS YOU. Space your e-mails out for a few days. I'm not saying to wait 2 weeks before you e-mail him. Just wait about a week and once a week make it a short e-mail like "Hope your week is going well." If he's still not responding, he's probably not interested.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #30  May 2,2010, 10:31am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
According to that book "He's Just Not That Into You", a man will do anything to get a woman he actually wants.
Break into her house? Go hang out at her workplace? Take pictures of her walking the dog? Go the gracery store every day for three hours to check if she shows up?

Follow this insane idea to its logical conclusion, and you don't want such a man, do you?


Sassafras54 wrote :
By that theory, it would make sense for a woman to not initiate calls, not always return them, etc. It would be a way to test if he really wants her or not. Make him pursue her. Which he'll do, if he wants her.
What always amazes me about this Lame theory, is that it treats "interest" as fixed.

I must just think differently, but I treat "interest" as an independant variable - wich is controlled by my partner's treatment of me, and matters I learn about her over time.


Sassafras54 wrote :
So is "He's Just Not That Into You" a load of crock?
Meeting people who are not truely interested or viable partners, who will nonetheless waste one's time is a valid concern.

Falling for games, tricks, traps, and manipulation does not increase the liklihood of finding a healthy relationship (in my contention), but it does substantially increase the risk of being used.

I think women should not resort to games, since men can easily read the same articles, learn or deduce the game, and apply it to their advantage.

In general, I think a Machevellian strategy favors men, and is thus unwise for women.
 
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