Communicating when they have their kids


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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #1  April 30,2010, 7:16pm
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Dating a single or part time parent isn't new. But sometimes the times where your new partner has time with their children will be awkward.

My questions posed to all members of eH Advice are these:

Do you feel you are interrupting or disrupting your partner's time with their kids when you try to contact them during those times?

Would you be offended if your partner (who has not met your children) tried to contact you during one of those times?
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #2  April 30,2010, 7:21pm
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I'm not the best person to answer. I don't have kids and I've seldom dated men who do.

But, when I have, they've been kind enough to let me know what they're comfortable with and I respect that. If they don't answer the phone in the evening when the kids are around, I don't call.

I think it's like anything else - communication and compromise. I think it's a bit unreasonable at my age to expect everything in someone's life to be put on the back burner for me and I'd be a bit leary of a man who was willing to backburner his kids for a woman he barely knows.

That's not the kind of man I'd respect - and I need to be able to respect a man to be involved with him.
 
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coffeetogoplease is offline coffeetogoplease Post #3  April 30,2010, 7:30pm
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I have my kids 24/7 so I expec calls when my kids are around. I do give times that are best, warn about possible noise and interupptions and will text when free if that helps. I do not mind calls at all.I ask when to call or text to see if he is free to be considerate of his time with his kids.Hope this helps
 
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TXButtercup is offline TXButtercup Post #4  April 30,2010, 7:40pm
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It's good to think about. In general, I try to stay open minded and assume that the type of men I will be interested in are like me, and they have other things going on in their life, so I don't get too out of shape if I don't get instant responses or if regular communication becomes a bit out of its regular pattern for a bit (hard one at first, this has been a practiced habit not to let past bad experiences color new ones even if the behavior *seems* similar)

I have been involved with men with children, and have seen different behaviors. Some have introduced me to their children right away and we had dates with the children along. Some maintained regular communication with me when their children were with them, even if it was more emails and shorter phone calls.

One guy (strange....long and sad story) told me upfront that he didn't introduce his children to women he was dating until it was a committed relationship, because he learned early on that the children would become attached and sad if things didn't work out. Seemed okay to me, and I expected less communication from him on the nights/weekends he had them. However, he still called me everyday, even if they were there and they knew he was talking to me, and the kids would even send comments to me through him.

I have a guy communicating with me right now that texts me every morning, and has since the day after I gave him my phone number. And for the first week, he called every day. He has his daughter every other week for the full week, so for the week she was with him, it was one Skype call and one short phone call. And I was a bit surprised that could be worked in really given school and work and dance lessons and gym time and dinner prep and homework....well, you get the idea. And he apologized about it - though I wondered, why not just email like he did for the first three weeks we were "talking."


So back to your questions, and my answers assume this is early in a dating relationship:

1. Yes, I do feel like I would be interrupting important family time and I have not initiated any contact with someone I was newly dating while they had their children.

2. I don't have children and really can't respond to this one -- just too hard for me to suppose since I *think* I would be fine with short communications, but I haven't been there, so....
 
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charmed59 is online now charmed59 Post #5  April 30,2010, 9:03pm
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I have children, and let me tell you, there is lots of down time. Right now I'm looking for someone to walk with every other Tuesday night while I wait for one of my children who is at a meeting. In other parts of the year it is someone to text with while watching soccer games, or to have coffee with during dance lessons, or hit the mall with during horse lessons. For any of those I'd settle to wander on my own while on the cell phone. For awhile, one of my friends would call me every week. Her son was at guitar lessons the same 90 minutes my daughter was in her meeting. I would walk one neighborhood, she would run errands in an entirely different one, but the talking kept us sane.

I'm betting if you ask when he would be available to talk he could throw out an exact 45 minute window when your voice would be more than welcome.

Also, I've always found that a text to ask if you are available to chat works. Usually the answer is "I'll call in 30 minutes." or something like that.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #6  April 30,2010, 9:10pm
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When my son was living with me full time, I wouldn't mind calls at any time. Maybe because it was normal for him to be around all the time. Most of the men I have dated have had their children part time. Each one had their own issues and restrictions.

I'm wondering what those part time parents say.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #7  April 30,2010, 9:58pm
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AndieIsMe wrote :
Do you feel you are interrupting or disrupting your partner's time with their kids when you try to contact them during those times?
Yes. I have commented as much in a casual manner and been told not to worry about it.

I don't have kids myself, so can't answer your other query.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #8  April 30,2010, 10:22pm
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I wouldn't be able to devote my full attention to a call when i have my son, he'd be asking who i am talking to and trying to get me to pay attention to him.
I always make it clear beforehand that i don't call or text or email when Dominic is here so i would be a bit annoyed if that was ignored without a good reason.
When he's older things will be different, or if i ever get to the stage with a date where i introduce them to each other, at the moment though my time with him is entirely seperate from my dating time.
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #9  April 30,2010, 10:27pm
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I have talked to many single mom's and I am totaly understanding if they cant talk or need to take care of something for a bit. If I have a feeling that its a problem with her I will ask her.
 
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AndieIsMe is online now AndieIsMe — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  April 30,2010, 10:51pm
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gothustartus wrote :
I wouldn't be able to devote my full attention to a call when i have my son, he'd be asking who i am talking to and trying to get me to pay attention to him.
I always make it clear beforehand that i don't call or text or email when Dominic is here so i would be a bit annoyed if that was ignored without a good reason.
When he's older things will be different, or if i ever get to the stage with a date where i introduce them to each other, at the moment though my time with him is entirely seperate from my dating time.
How old is your son? When my son was younger he was the attention seeker whenever the phone rang. It was like he had a built in detector and would come running in the door saying "Mom! Mom!"
 
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