Too busy for dating/relationship??


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boyishgoodlooks is offline boyishgoodlooks Post #1  April 30,2010, 2:18am
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Hey,

Met a woman from eH....we have been chatting/emailing for almost a month and last weekend, we met.

It was one of the best "first dates" I have been on.....she had it all!...the smile, the look....she was very sweet! ...it felt like we had known each other forever...lots of stuff in common....she laughed with me, and not at me...that's a good sign, right??

She has a pretty busy life, kids, job and study....I mentioned to her that with being busy are you able to fit in a relationship? at the time she said she felt ready...During the conversation I said "I don't want to be a part time boyfriend" not specifically to her, but in general conversation about what I am looking for in a relationship.

We both left very happy and that we would catch up soon. Spoke to her today and thinking about the "partime boyfriend" comment, said that she felt that she couldn't give the time for "a proper relationship".......I would really like to get to know her better and she said she likes me too....but the timing is just not right.

I understand the kids and the other things are her priority for the short term....but how can I make her feel more comfortable that we could make this work for the long term?.....

any advice, much appreciated. Thanks
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #2  April 30,2010, 2:38am
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You said you don't want to be a part time boyfriend but that's exactly what you'll be until she is no longer busy, maybe mentioning it raised a bit of a red flag to her, warning of future resentment if she can't fit you in as much as you'd like and won't drop one of the other things for you, maybe it just made her think about scheduling and decide what her priorities were.
Whichever is the case if she has decided she is too busy for a proper relationship then i'd take her at her word, i know if someone tried to argue me into having it anyway that would make me back off.
 
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boyishgoodlooks is offline boyishgoodlooks Post #3  April 30,2010, 2:44am
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gothustartus wrote :
You said you don't want to be a part time boyfriend but that's exactly what you'll be until she is no longer busy, maybe mentioning it raised a bit of a red flag to her, warning of future resentment if she can't fit you in as much as you'd like and won't drop one of the other things for you, maybe it just made her think about scheduling and decide what her priorities were.
Whichever is the case if she has decided she is too busy for a proper relationship then i'd take her at her word, i know if someone tried to argue me into having it anyway that would make me back off.
Agree and I said that to her today that her heart has to be in it....the hard part is that she is VERY nice!
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #4  April 30,2010, 2:53am
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My thought is that she might be using this reason as an excuse not to see you again.

You met her through eH, and during the month you communicated before you met she never indicated she was too busy for a relationship? And she said during your date she was ready for a relationship, right? And now...she's not?

She may have seemed really happy during the date, but don't assume that means she was feeling the same spark you did.

This is why I try to meet sooner---and avoid a month of e-mails and chats---only to find there's no in-person chemistry.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  April 30,2010, 3:15am
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boyishgoodlooks wrote :
She has a pretty busy life, kids, job and study....I mentioned to her that with being busy are you able to fit in a relationship? at the time she said she felt ready...During the conversation I said "I don't want to be a part time boyfriend" not specifically to her, but in general conversation about what I am looking for in a relationship.

I understand the kids and the other things are her priority for the short term....but how can I make her feel more comfortable that we could make this work for the long term?

There are two, unrelated, issues in these type of situation:

- How much time is left after subtracting necessities? Work, education, some degree of care for oneself, family, home, and interests.

Personally I have been extremely busy during most of the time I dated (long hours, work and school), and this made my an unsuitable partner for some women, and I ended up with partners in similar situations (which worked well for me.) This is just a matter of compatibility, and perhaps your ability to keep yourself occupied without nagging your her.

- How much of a person's "relationship time" are they giving to you? If your partner has, for example, four opportunitiies to meet per month, and wants to continue seeing others, then I'd see that as she is looking for more than she perceives she'll get out of you.

This is the situation which seems to be the real problem in the "they are too busy to have a relationship type of scenario. In this case, I would but my efforts elsewhere.
 
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boyishgoodlooks is offline boyishgoodlooks Post #6  April 30,2010, 3:16am
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jayhawkgirl wrote :
My thought is that she might be using this reason as an excuse not to see you again.

You met her through eH, and during the month you communicated before you met she never indicated she was too busy for a relationship? And she said during your date she was ready for a relationship, right? And now...she's not?

She may have seemed really happy during the date, but don't assume that means she was feeling the same spark you did.

This is why I try to meet sooner---and avoid a month of e-mails and chats---only to find there's no in-person chemistry.
Possibly....she is very genuine though I would like to take her at her word. Am pretty sure she would be straight up with me, if she wasn`t interested, as I would be with her.
It was bought up during GC that she was busy and we discussed it....I know this week has been intense for her, with the kids and work as I have been busy as well, maybe it just bought it all to the forefront?
 
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jayhawkgirl is offline jayhawkgirl Post #7  April 30,2010, 3:21am
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boyishgoodlooks wrote :
Possibly....she is very genuine though I would like to take her at her word. Am pretty sure she would be straight up with me, if she wasn`t interested, as I would be with her.
It was bought up during GC that she was busy and we discussed it....I know this week has been intense for her, with the kids and work as I have been busy as well, maybe it just bought it all to the forefront?
She may just not want to hurt your feelings by telling you she's not feeling the same way...hard to say. You say you were busy, as well, this week...yet it did not deter your interest at all, did it?

Do you have definite plans to see each other again? If you asked her out again and she declined and actually used the words, "the timing just isn't right," then she is just not interested.
Last edited by jayhawkgirl; April 30,2010 at 3:24am.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #8  April 30,2010, 4:01am
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boyishgoodlooks wrote :
....said that she felt that she couldn't give the time for "a proper relationship".......
Dude, take the hint. She can't give the time for a proper relationship WITH YOU. If she's the type that needs to feel the sparks on the first meet-up and wasn't feeling it with you, she's going to move on. That's the end of it.

Sorry about your luck.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #9  April 30,2010, 4:16am
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Agree with all that was said above and would only add one other comment. When you brought up the whole you might be too busy for me, I don't want to be a part time boyfriend thing, you raised a huge red flag and you can't take it back. From her perspective you came across as insecure, needy, and demanding. Instead of being someone with whom she can relax and recharge, you came across as someone who will be yet another person who demands her attention and further drains whatever energy she has left. A potential burden instead of an asset. So in the future, be sure that if you are interested in a woman, you don't say things like that.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #10  April 30,2010, 5:20am

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boyishgoodlooks wrote :
Hey,

Met a woman from eH....we have been chatting/emailing for almost a month and last weekend, we met.

It was one of the best "first dates" I have been on.....she had it all!...the smile, the look....she was very sweet! ...it felt like we had known each other forever...lots of stuff in common....she laughed with me, and not at me...that's a good sign, right??

She has a pretty busy life, kids, job and study....I mentioned to her that with being busy are you able to fit in a relationship? at the time she said she felt ready...During the conversation I said "I don't want to be a part time boyfriend" not specifically to her, but in general conversation about what I am looking for in a relationship.

We both left very happy and that we would catch up soon. Spoke to her today and thinking about the "partime boyfriend" comment, said that she felt that she couldn't give the time for "a proper relationship".......I would really like to get to know her better and she said she likes me too....but the timing is just not right.

I understand the kids and the other things are her priority for the short term....but how can I make her feel more comfortable that we could make this work for the long term?.....

any advice, much appreciated. Thanks
I feel like your comment about not being a part time boyfriend made her think you perceived her schedule as too much to allow you to be a full time boyfriend. It was probably premature to make that comment in that you have no idea how much time she would be able to make for you.

After my divorce I went back to school. I generally took 18 hours year round including summer. I also work full time and have four kids. This would give the appearance I have no free time. I don't have my little two every other weekend and my older two don't mind babysitting once on the other weekend. Does that sound like anyone I have dated are part time. From what I can tell I spend more time dating than those who don't have my schedule.

I think you need to talk to her and explain it was a stupid comment given that you don't know how well she will fit dating into her schedule. That you would like to get to know her and the schedule before making a judgment like that. I can tell you from experience it looks worse than it is.

Okay read a few more of the comments. Yes you can take it back. Don't think for a moment she doesn't know her life is perceived to be more difficult than it actually is. She is only responding to your comment without information as to what you believe part time to be. Not sure if that makes sense. PM me if you want to pick my brain, well what is left of it since it is the end of the semester.
Last edited by Can_I_just_be_Jo; April 30,2010 at 5:23am.
 
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