potential red flag - still seeing an ex - what do you guys think?


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readytodate is offline readytodate Post #1  April 29,2010, 8:01am
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I've been in OC with an interesting guy and he has said that he dates a lot of women in real life, and that a woman he dated in the past is still someone he hangs out with. says she knows it's a dead-end relationship, but he still dates her occasionally. and has gone out with about five other women a few times each in the past month or two. and has several others interested. but no one serious. says the ex-girlfriend knows that he's looking for someone else to be a "life partner" and she doesn't liek it, but can't change his mind.

This sounds like a pretty big red flag to me. What would you guys do? First, the fact that he is still going out on occasion with her, while telling her he doesn't want a relationship, sounds like he's giving her mixed signals. I don't want to find myself in that same spot with him down the road.

Also, it sounds like he's really seeing a lot of different people, which makes me nervous. he says he's just pickky, but hey, aren't we all? I don't want to feel like I'm auditioning when I meet him. if he's turned down so many other women, why in the world would he be interested in me? yeah, I think I'm a desirable woman, but I'm sure all of those other women felt that way about themselves, too.

All in all, what do you guys think? The ex-gf situation worries me more than anything else. I sense a major red flag and don't want to ignore it. but if you guys say otherwise, i'll reconsider.

I haven't met this guy yet. still waiting for him to suggest a meeting time, but we're getting close to that point. have talked on the phone twice now and we really get along great on the phone. but I know that it's all about meeting in person before chemistry can be revealed.

should I bother? thoughts? any questions you think I should ask him now, while I still can? would be weird to ask too pointed of questions about the ex-gf once we meet and he thinks I'm just overly jealous, etc. better to ask them now.
 
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isis1980 is offline isis1980 Post #2  April 29,2010, 9:16am
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Seems like a read flag to me. Its a real thin line with the ex. Its like if they are still talking about them are they over them? Its hard to decipher. My advice would be just be cautious with this guy
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #3  April 29,2010, 9:22am
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If you haven't even met yet and you know that he's still dating his ex-gf, I would move on. This sounds like way too much drama. He doesn't sound like someone looking for a life partner if he is continuing to date someone he knows he doesn't want to spend his life with. It sounds very using since she obviously doesn't like the situation and he is clearly indifferent of her feelings. It actually sounds like its a FWB situation for him, but she still wants to be the gf, so sad for her really.

To me, no new guy would be interesting enough for me to want to get into the middle of this soap opera.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  April 29,2010, 9:24am
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There is nothing wrong with dating multiple people and it is highly recommended. Talking in OC or having a first date does not make you exclusive.

However, in this particular case with the guy's previous girlfriend there is a problem. It seems to me that she is still trying to get him as a long term partner. I, personally, do not believe that you can remain as friends with someone that you had a romantic relationship with and he is not being an upstanding kind of guy by continuing to date her knowing how she feels toward him.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  April 29,2010, 9:26am
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MelinCali wrote :
If you haven't even met yet and you know that he's still dating his ex-gf, I would move on. This sounds like way too much drama. He doesn't sound like someone looking for a life partner if he is continuing to date someone he knows he doesn't want to spend his life with. It sounds very using since she obviously doesn't like the situation and he is clearly indifferent of her feelings. It actually sounds like its a FWB situation for him, but she still wants to be the gf, so sad for her really.

To me, no new guy would be interesting enough for me to want to get into the middle of this soap opera.
You said it better than I did.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #6  April 29,2010, 10:23am
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readytodate wrote :
I've been in OC with an interesting guy and he has said that he dates a lot of women in real life, and that a woman he dated in the past is still someone he hangs out with. says she knows it's a dead-end relationship, but he still dates her occasionally. and has gone out with about five other women a few times each in the past month or two. and has several others interested. but no one serious. says the ex-girlfriend knows that he's looking for someone else to be a "life partner" and she doesn't liek it, but can't change his mind.

This sounds like a pretty big red flag to me.

I am sorry to disappoint you but its not a red flag at all.

Its very possible for someone to become friends with a woman he dated for various reasons. He may look at this ex he sees as a nice person he has fun with but she has NO long term potential in terms of marriage because of some fundamental differences like religion, wanting children, outlook on life, and their goals and values in life.

He is honest with you on the fact he is dating quite a few people right now...would you rather him hide that and lie?

With him there are two possibilities:

1. He is just interesting in dating people with no plan on ever getting into a serious relationship anytime soon.

2. HE is dating alot of people right now trying to find that special someone...that perfect match that he wants. He doesnt want to settle and when he knows he found the one he will stop dating other people.
 
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brixjnz is offline brixjnz Post #7  April 29,2010, 10:27am
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red flag.gif red flag.gif red flag.gif
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #8  April 29,2010, 10:32am
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The ex thing wouldn't bother me as much as the entire scenario does.

The ex plus you being # 7 sounds annoying.

You will have no idea when he would be interested in stopping playing games. He may do it for as long as it is fun. Which could be a LONG time.

I would be highly suspicious that he is all about himself.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #9  April 29,2010, 11:13am
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I don't know, if he's an interesting guy I'd go out with him. I just wouldn't pin my hopes on it going anywhere. It might, but he's got a lot going on there! and who knows why.
 
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sunshine_51 is offline sunshine_51 Post #10  April 29,2010, 11:51am
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I just broke up with a guy (second time around). I had gracefully backed off the first time because of his other "friends" he was seeing. He respnded by saying he wanted me there he cared for me, then later saying he was a one-woman man, used "we" alot, saying all the right things for 6 months( I have known him for almost 2 years). I went to visit my mother for 3 days and on the phone he says he saw his ex gf and he guess he still cares. What? He doesnt want a relationship with her, shes having trouble with a teenage son, but she invited him to do a garden at her house. Dont worry, you and I are in a committed relationship. oh, I have to check on the garden and I think I'll take a movie over to watch......no difference than if he watched a movie with his buds. Next day she called (very seductively ) 3 times. Next day at church he was asked by an acquaintance if we were bf/gf....he stuttered and said we were progressing to that....that day, its over!!!!!!...turns out to be with him is a package deal>>>he and his ex gf....was told this has happened before ....(He was sooooo smooth!!!!) RED FLAG is RIGHT!!
 
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