Supporting a friend who is in a relationship with a controlling guy


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oceanlady is offline oceanlady Post #1  April 28,2010, 2:47pm
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I have gradually become aware of a situation in which a female friend of mine is in a relationship with a controlling guy who has little to no respect for women. He is rude to her to her face and I have heard him say even worse things about her behind her back, like calling her ugly and other words that were moderated the first time I submitted this. He manipulates her and orders her around, even in front of her relatives and friends, so I can only imagine what he does in private. He butts into her conversations with other people and contradicts things she has said in a mocking tone. He comes over to her place and does things like putting his feet up on her coffee table and when she asks him nicely to stop, he openly sneers at her and keeps doing it. He is intolerant of normal children's behavior and very impatient with kids. (This is important because I know she wants kids.) Since I heard they were talking about marriage, I recently decided to bring up my concerns to her in the hopes that she would realize it's not a healthy relationship. She completely cut me off and refused to take my concerns seriously and has not talked to me since. Does anyone have experience or advice to share regarding this situation?

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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #2  April 28,2010, 2:52pm
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oceanlady wrote :
I have gradually become aware of a situation in which a female friend of mine is in a relationship with a controlling guy who has little to no respect for women. He is rude to her to her face and I have heard him say even worse things about her behind her back, like calling her ugly and other words that were moderated the first time I submitted this. He manipulates her and orders her around, even in front of her relatives and friends, so I can only imagine what he does in private. He butts into her conversations with other people and contradicts things she has said in a mocking tone. He comes over to her place and does things like putting his feet up on her coffee table and when she asks him nicely to stop, he openly sneers at her and keeps doing it. He is intolerant of normal children's behavior and very impatient with kids. (This is important because I know she wants kids.) Since I heard they were talking about marriage, I recently decided to bring up my concerns to her in the hopes that she would realize it's not a healthy relationship. She completely cut me off and refused to take my concerns seriously and has not talked to me since. Does anyone have experience or advice to share regarding this situation?

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This a no win situation for you...by that I mean you've done what you can and now it's time to respectfully, butt out.
If there is no physical abuse taking place, just MYOB

It's like the old saying:
"if you're in love with a dung heap, you don't care what it smells like".....
hopefully she gets sick of it and dumps him.
That's about all you can pray for, at this point.

I speak from experience.
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  April 28,2010, 2:54pm
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Can you be clear she does not in fact prefer and select controlling men?

From my experience, it has been a lot easier to find women who appear to want this, than to find the sort of more-equal partners that I favor.

Having raised your view, and been rejected, I would suggest simply being present, and modeling the behavior you favor.
 
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ami1uwant is offline ami1uwant Post #4  April 28,2010, 3:26pm
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My sister had a relationship like this when she was a teen....she wouldnt listen to her friends. She realized it before something happened like marriage or babies.

The trick is to talk to her about the qualities she wants in a relationship and try to make her realize he does not have that.

You telling her he is a whatever wont work she wont listen to you.

If you know of her friends or siblings who feel the same as you then maybe you guys can do an intervention.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  April 28,2010, 3:38pm
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I'd ask her what she thinks when he calls her ugly and disrespects her wishes. That might give you some insight into what she is either missing or in some twisted way getting out of the relationship.
 
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singinggirl is online now singinggirl Post #6  April 28,2010, 8:30pm
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Oceanlady, I sympathize but think there's really nothing you can do other than support her and be there for her if/when the relationship ends.

My best friend got involved with a man like this about three years ago. At the time, he was still married but told her that it was only because his wife wouldn't sign the papers. It took more than 2 years for it to become final (if it even is). He does many of the same things that you mentioned. He actually insulted me one night when my friend and I were out and I finally had to say something. (He called her and told her to come home because only women of a certain type went out without men and that they were only looking for one thing.) He intercepted text messages from another male friend, pretended to be her, and told the friend to never call again because it wasn't appropriate for her to have friends of the opposite sex. Gradually, he has almost completely cut her off from all her friends and family.

She finally got up her nerve and left him a few months ago. She quit her job and made plans to move across the country to be near family. The day of her flight he beggedher to stay and she went right back and within days had cut off communciations again.

It breaks my heart because I love her and it hurts to see her this way. For some reason, she thinks that she deserves to be treated this way. She also thinks that all men are like this. When I tell her about the great things my bf does for me, she always thinks that he's only doing nice things to get something out of me.

I'm sorry you're going through this with your friend. The only thing I've found to do is to stay in touch, even when she doesn't, and be there for her when things fall apart.
 
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scandalous is offline scandalous Post #7  April 28,2010, 8:40pm
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All you can do is love her and be there for her, especially when she's had enough and needs a caring friend. And don't say "I told you so!"

This is one of those times in life where people have to learn their own lessons. Even though it is painful to watch.

This guy sounds a lot like my cousin's husband. They've been together since she was 15 and he was 17. They broke up for a really short time when she was about 18 or 19, at my aunt and uncle's insistance that she could no longer see him, but that didn't last too long, maybe a few months.

She had a really nice boyfriend at the time when they had broken up, and her (now) husband and his friends ran the poor guy off. He did not want the drama, so he stayed away and went on with his life. So, I know that she knows what having a nice boyfriend is like. For whatever reason, she thinks her husband is the best she can get.

Now she is 41 and he is nearly 43, and they now have 2 kids, which he talks to just as badly, calling them names and putting them down.
He calls her "fat a**", stupid, "dumb-a**", all kinds of terrible things. He doesn't do anything to help her around the house, even when she had breast cancer and had to go through chemo, she never stopped working, because they are broke all the time. She still has a lot of health problems. He spends all his spare time at the bar. He is a total dead-beat as far as I can see. She has really low self-esteem, and I don't think she's ever "grown up" as far as gaining insight and maturity as people tend to do as they get older. Her reasoning is that "they've been together for so long." I think in reality, she is afraid to be alone.

Also, in the area where she lives, where she has lived her whole life, it's a really big deal if you are not married or not in a relationship with someone. They see it as you are a loser, or something is wrong with you. I used to live there, too, so I know that has a lot to do with it.

The whole family cannot stand the guy. She hasn't spoken to me for 7 years because I said I thought she could do better than him. On that particular day that I said that, we had gone to church together that evening, and he was drunk and cussed out the pastor (F-word and everything). I told her all my concerns, and she didn't want to hear any of it, and verbally attacked me, and tried turning the rest of the family against me. They all agree with me, but they won't say anything to her.

I don't think she will ever see the light. I hope your friend does.
 
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mrflyer is offline mrflyer Post #8  April 28,2010, 9:35pm
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Since so much of it is done in front of her, I would stay out of it. She's an adult, so if she wants to put up with comments like that, it's her choice.

Warning someone about their partner tends to just drive them closer.

I've known plenty of men who had wives or girlfriends who treated them like dirt, and I didn't try to interfere there, either.
 
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medication_medicine is offline medication_medicine Post #9  April 28,2010, 9:54pm
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call the police.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #10  April 29,2010, 8:42am
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medication_medicine wrote :
call the police.
and tell them what?
 
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