Shepherd3597 is offline Shepherd3597 Post #1  April 27,2010, 10:18am
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I meet a girl online about a month ago. We have been getting to know each other through email, text and phone. She has been contacting me one way or the other every day and I have enjoyed it. We live about 4 hours apart and she works very hard at two jobs. On the first date we met halfway had a nice dinner, went for a walk and she still wanted to stay and sit in my truck for several hours even though she had to go to work the next morning very early. She asked for a neck rub, which I gave her and she seemed to enjoy. Later we were online talking and I told her I had wanted to kiss her and the neck rub felt like an invitation to kiss her. She said no it was too soon to kiss but the neck rub felt great. We had talked before we met about boundaries. So I said ok maybe I am moving too fast. We kept talking. Just met last weekend in her town. I drove the 4 hours, got a room and we had a great time. hiking, theater, food. It was a lot of fun. While she did not touch me I noticed at the theater that she kept turning her head toward me and smiling. It was a two-hour show. I have to admit I really wanted to hold her hand but it just did not feel right. The next day I made the mistake of trying to hold her hand after breakfast she pulled it away and said what are you doing holding my tiny ugly hands. I just thought "um ok I guess we aren’t there yet" and let it go and she seemed to let it go. We sat through church but the whole time I am trying to figure out what happened. I guess this triggered me for some reason. "She is not interested in me. So why all this communication?" That kind of self-talk. I decided to just ask her. So after church I just told her the handholding confused me a bit and wanted to be sure she was considering this dating? She was nice and we talked about it. She said she was not sure she was ready to get emotionally serious yet and not sure our paths were the same. I said ok so we are just friends? She said no she wanted to date if I was ok with it not being serious. I told her it was totally ok to date casually. She said what does that mean? I said we can date others and are not committed. She said she needed time and felt I moved fast. I told her it was fine to not hold hands but it confused me and I wanted to talk about it. Told her it felt like she was pushing me away. She yea she could do that sometimes. She seemed fine after that. I went home. She texted me later after work thinking I was still in town and wanted to get together. I told her I had left but had a great time with her. She texted me as I drove home. Smiley faces. Conversations. Emails. Also has been everyday since the trip. This morning as well. So I guess I just overreacted to what felt like rejection and I need to cool my jets as we get to know each other. Should I wait for her to ask me out at this point or just go ahead and keep pursuing her? Does she still sound interested and if so how interested or was the hand holding thing a sign to back off?
Last edited by Shepherd3597; April 27,2010 at 10:23am.
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  April 27,2010, 10:29am
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I'd be confused too ... I think she's sending mixed messages. Asking for a neck rub on a first date is going a bit far for someone who isn't yet comfortable holding hands or kissing.

It's isn't clear. Based on what you've written, your behavior seems fine, and respectful of her boundaries, etc. And especially since you live far apart, one would want to know whether there's any possible future here, with the 4-hour drive.

My guess is that she doesn't know what she wants, or has to know someone pretty well before being comfortable with physical contact. I think if you like her, you're going to have to invest some more time and driving to see where it goes.

No, I wouldn't see the hand-holding thing as a signal to back off. Good luck!
 
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TXButtercup is offline TXButtercup Post #3  April 27,2010, 10:50am
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*facepalm*

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If I turned that around, and it was a guy communicating like that, but wanted dating, but not really dating, I would be pretty confused. And I wouldn't take him very seriously either.

When I think of someone moving too fast, it is usually because they are pushing sex too soon for me, or they are talking about serious commitment before it really seems like we know each other well enough to know that.

And talk about conflicting messages - a neck rub (which I consider somewhat intimate) is okay, but holding hands isn't?

If you are okay with it as it is, then all you can do is keep communicating and see where it goes. At least both of you seem willing to discuss it.

For me personally, if it was a guy doing this, he would be shifted over to friend zone and I wouldn't stop communicating with other matches.
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  April 27,2010, 10:55am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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+1 on the 'mixed messages' she's giving you. One possibility is she's actually a lot more forward than she's letting on, but likes having you think she's very timid about a physical relationship.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  April 27,2010, 10:55am
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Think you need to cool your jets a bit. Some people need to get to know a person before they can jump into physical affection and you two just barely met.

As for the neck rub v. hand holding. There is a difference between a neck rub in private and holding hands and general PDA in public that implies you too are an item. There is also the possibility that she is not a fan of PDA in general.

Since she is making a lot of effort to maintain contact and keep getting to know you, I think that speaks more to her level of interest than a one time mishap where you wanted more than what she was ready for at the moment physically.
 
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Shepherd3597 is offline Shepherd3597 Post #6  April 27,2010, 11:04am
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Yes. I think she is interested but wants to go slow physically. I think she wants to date and see where things go. I guess it is fair to just spend time together and trust she will give me some signals that she is ready for more physical touch. Like she would touch me or something. One of my fears is that I am moving to slowly and the lady is thinking why is he not making a move? I think what I am learning is that it is ok to go slow. Either that or she is a wack job. probably not but that is another fear of mine. The feedback is great thanks. Keep it coming.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #7  April 27,2010, 11:10am
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You should have said I'm sorry, but I think your hands are beautiful.
 
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Shepherd3597 is offline Shepherd3597 Post #8  April 27,2010, 2:11pm
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next frame
Last edited by Shepherd3597; April 27,2010 at 2:39pm.
 
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Shepherd3597 is offline Shepherd3597 Post #9  April 27,2010, 2:11pm
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Does it sound like a bad idea to leave the ball in her court at this point about getting together again? I believe I initiated the first two dates. Although on the last trip she did ask me if I could stay longer than one day. I guess I am feeling a bit insecure about her interest level and feel I should leave her room to ask me for the next date and if she never does then assume she is not that interested. Does that sound fair?
 
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Cape_Codder is offline Cape_Codder Post #10  April 27,2010, 2:52pm

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What is the age of this woman? it may be a factor.
 
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